my name is akanishi jin
my name is akanishi jin
akame
summary: this time, kamenashi leaves.
maybe i've cried a million times without knowing it. there's an invisible tear track because i cry inside, because i'm supposed to the rebel and badass, akanishi jin that everyone loves to hate. the one half of the member that's responsible for the sexy concept. but seriously, how would you feel if the other half suddenly lets his responsibility go and shoves it all to you, in your face? you're invisible tear track clad face.
"you're akanishi jin, you can do anything," is what he said when i asked him. he was smiling, cheerfully and he just looked so.. free. maybe i envied him for a few seconds because he's free now, then maybe the hurt found my heart again and decided to dwell on the fact that kamenashi kazuya will never come back to me.
he's decided that he's had enough of show business and follow his true dream, to finally wear those tailored baseball uniforms he desperately wanted to be wearing instead of those oversized ruffled fugly outfits they usually make them wear for performances and pvs. and it's not fair.
johnny had always been fond of kame, he's one of those people who work hard to please people and also the kind whom you can't say no to. he knows how to give thanks and give back and he knows who timing. and most importantly, he knows johnny's timing. "i told him the truth, jin" is what he said when i asked him if he lied, something i might use if ever i try to worm my way out of KAT-TUN. it's not that i don't like being in the group, the members are sensible and loving but it just drowns me.
too much responsibilities to bear in mind and too much restrictions. probably leaving the group will be the cherry on top of my career. maybe it will make me the rebel of the century. akanishi jin, the rebel of JE. not a bad subtitle at all.
but this isn't about me. it's about kame leaving, or already left the group and there's a peculiar heaviness in his chest and hitching in his throat but he discards the thought for a few minutes to ogle at kame's beauty.
kame's hair, how i like long and lightly curled like when he wakes up from a long night's rest. kame's genuine smile when he's got something good to laugh at. bonus points if he laughed at my own stupid attempt of joking. kame's good heart.
heart.
then i blink and he's not there anymore. he's halfway out the door when i yell "oi!"
he turns his body back at me with a grin, stupid stupid attractive grin. and i know it's there, it's real. i was unconsciously in love with kamenashi kazuya all this time. they say you only appreciate a person's value when they're gone; i appreciated kame, in all honesty. though, never for the right reasons. always for someone to annoy, someone to yell at, someone to annoy, someone to get mad, someone to annoy, someone to absorb my anger, basically someone to annoy. most of the fucking time. and if he's not there.. he's not.. no.
he stops, i pull the hem of my shirt. it's rattled already and i'm just destroying the shirt even more, ironically he gave this to me. he says black was always my color, and white too. he also said white - "done day dreaming?" he laughs. attractive fucking laugh and it irks my bones. kamenashi kazuya is perfect in my eyes.
the wind blows for the awhile. fuck, i left the window open again and it's freezing and i barely noticed the breeze until he draped the jacket over me. "i'm not a girl, kame," a roll of the eyes and a scoff. a snarky thing to say to someone you've known almost half of your life, someone you're hopelessly in love with.
"you're no polar bear too, jin. but if you don't plan to lose the weight you might get what you're aiming for," it's a joke. it's a fucking funny joke. because kamenashi always jokes like a comedian, always so fucking witty and perfect.
"you're on a roll," is what i say instead of iloveyousomuchdon'tleavemealone or i love my fats that's why i keep them, you dick.
he lets out a deep sigh. sighing is never a good sign and when you pair it with closing of an eye, it's bad sign. and when it's both eyes, it's a bad bad sign.
"jin, i don't have all day. i'm tired, i need to go back to pack my things," i gulp, looking at his eyes.
"i still have to tell the guys about this thing," i gulp again, looking everywhere but him. my chest feels like it's about to explode, my eyes moisturized.
"jin, i'm sorry but i really need to-"
"i love you," boom. one big fucking drop for akanishi jin. i can feel my face grow redder by the second, i take a deep breath to continue now that i have his undivided attention. it's my turn to talk.
"don't go, kazuya. don't leave, it's not the right thing to do," i can feel him think. it's frustrating.
"when was the last time you did anything right jin?" he says and i had to laugh. kame always knew how to negate my words.
"i tell you i love you and that's what you catch," he's smiling now, he closes the window with gentleness that i never had when it comes to closing it. the breeze stopped and right now the only thing i feel is his breathing on my cheeks. we've been close like this before but only tonight has made my heart jump out of my shirt. and then his face morphs into something sorrowful, something i've never seen before and it hurt my heart to know i caused that.
"i can't ever go back, jin," he says and it's breaking my heart more.
"whatever you say won't make me go back," there's nothing much i could say but- i hug him. tighter than ever, tears won't fall because i'm akanishi jin and i don't cry and nor will i ever cry because-
"shh, stop crying," he says. fuck, so the mighty akanishi jin does cry. he holds me close like he initiated the hug and not me and it's annoying because i'm-
"you're akanishi jin, don't cry." stop reading whatever the fuck is going in my mind kamenashi.
"then tell me you love me back, kamenashi. tell me you're not leaving and i won't have to face the attack of the make up staff alone and manager-san hassling me to wake the fuck up just when i'm having a good dream about being better than you and just please, kame. i don't know why but please," and the tears right now won't stop.
this time, the invisible tear tracks are not invisible anymore. this time, i'm not sure if ever i'm going to get what i want. this time, i'm not sure i can take it if kazuya refuses anything i ask of him. this time, i can't be rebel badass akanishi jin. because this time, all i want to show kame is that akanishi jin is also a person with feelings.
right now, kame is not speaking and i'm getting nervous but he's breathing so that's okay, it's more than okay.
"i thought it was obvious jin. i thought you already knew. everyone did, i assume you did too," he says and it's getting blurrier and blurrier.
"everyone knew what kame?"
"that i love you. i've been in love with you for so long jin,"
and then for a second i forgot i knew i needed to breathe; forgot that kamenashi kazuya was in his hands; i didn't need to speak, kame knew what i was saying through my actions. his hands were tightening around my waist, my own hands finding it's way up to lock around his neck.
foreheads so close air can't even penetrate it; then our lips touched, lips soft and addicting. kamenashi tasted like vanilla, the exotic kind. all my life i've kissed all sorts of girls - japanese, foreign, thin, fat, small, tall, young, old, etc. but nothing compares to kame's lips.
nothing at all.
but i know this doesn't change anything at all, kame is still going to leave and i'm still going to love him and if i'm lucky, he's still going to love me after all these years of being dense.
my name is akanishi jin, and only kamenashi kazuya left tear tracks in my face. the good kind, always the good kind.
_
author's note: maybe the last fic i'll write for the whole month of march. i hope y'all like this, ja.
author's note 2: i realized this is similar to my first fic. or not. lol :3
akame
summary: this time, kamenashi leaves.
maybe i've cried a million times without knowing it. there's an invisible tear track because i cry inside, because i'm supposed to the rebel and badass, akanishi jin that everyone loves to hate. the one half of the member that's responsible for the sexy concept. but seriously, how would you feel if the other half suddenly lets his responsibility go and shoves it all to you, in your face? you're invisible tear track clad face.
"you're akanishi jin, you can do anything," is what he said when i asked him. he was smiling, cheerfully and he just looked so.. free. maybe i envied him for a few seconds because he's free now, then maybe the hurt found my heart again and decided to dwell on the fact that kamenashi kazuya will never come back to me.
he's decided that he's had enough of show business and follow his true dream, to finally wear those tailored baseball uniforms he desperately wanted to be wearing instead of those oversized ruffled fugly outfits they usually make them wear for performances and pvs. and it's not fair.
johnny had always been fond of kame, he's one of those people who work hard to please people and also the kind whom you can't say no to. he knows how to give thanks and give back and he knows who timing. and most importantly, he knows johnny's timing. "i told him the truth, jin" is what he said when i asked him if he lied, something i might use if ever i try to worm my way out of KAT-TUN. it's not that i don't like being in the group, the members are sensible and loving but it just drowns me.
too much responsibilities to bear in mind and too much restrictions. probably leaving the group will be the cherry on top of my career. maybe it will make me the rebel of the century. akanishi jin, the rebel of JE. not a bad subtitle at all.
but this isn't about me. it's about kame leaving, or already left the group and there's a peculiar heaviness in his chest and hitching in his throat but he discards the thought for a few minutes to ogle at kame's beauty.
kame's hair, how i like long and lightly curled like when he wakes up from a long night's rest. kame's genuine smile when he's got something good to laugh at. bonus points if he laughed at my own stupid attempt of joking. kame's good heart.
heart.
then i blink and he's not there anymore. he's halfway out the door when i yell "oi!"
he turns his body back at me with a grin, stupid stupid attractive grin. and i know it's there, it's real. i was unconsciously in love with kamenashi kazuya all this time. they say you only appreciate a person's value when they're gone; i appreciated kame, in all honesty. though, never for the right reasons. always for someone to annoy, someone to yell at, someone to annoy, someone to get mad, someone to annoy, someone to absorb my anger, basically someone to annoy. most of the fucking time. and if he's not there.. he's not.. no.
he stops, i pull the hem of my shirt. it's rattled already and i'm just destroying the shirt even more, ironically he gave this to me. he says black was always my color, and white too. he also said white - "done day dreaming?" he laughs. attractive fucking laugh and it irks my bones. kamenashi kazuya is perfect in my eyes.
the wind blows for the awhile. fuck, i left the window open again and it's freezing and i barely noticed the breeze until he draped the jacket over me. "i'm not a girl, kame," a roll of the eyes and a scoff. a snarky thing to say to someone you've known almost half of your life, someone you're hopelessly in love with.
"you're no polar bear too, jin. but if you don't plan to lose the weight you might get what you're aiming for," it's a joke. it's a fucking funny joke. because kamenashi always jokes like a comedian, always so fucking witty and perfect.
"you're on a roll," is what i say instead of iloveyousomuchdon'tleavemealone or i love my fats that's why i keep them, you dick.
he lets out a deep sigh. sighing is never a good sign and when you pair it with closing of an eye, it's bad sign. and when it's both eyes, it's a bad bad sign.
"jin, i don't have all day. i'm tired, i need to go back to pack my things," i gulp, looking at his eyes.
"i still have to tell the guys about this thing," i gulp again, looking everywhere but him. my chest feels like it's about to explode, my eyes moisturized.
"jin, i'm sorry but i really need to-"
"i love you," boom. one big fucking drop for akanishi jin. i can feel my face grow redder by the second, i take a deep breath to continue now that i have his undivided attention. it's my turn to talk.
"don't go, kazuya. don't leave, it's not the right thing to do," i can feel him think. it's frustrating.
"when was the last time you did anything right jin?" he says and i had to laugh. kame always knew how to negate my words.
"i tell you i love you and that's what you catch," he's smiling now, he closes the window with gentleness that i never had when it comes to closing it. the breeze stopped and right now the only thing i feel is his breathing on my cheeks. we've been close like this before but only tonight has made my heart jump out of my shirt. and then his face morphs into something sorrowful, something i've never seen before and it hurt my heart to know i caused that.
"i can't ever go back, jin," he says and it's breaking my heart more.
"whatever you say won't make me go back," there's nothing much i could say but- i hug him. tighter than ever, tears won't fall because i'm akanishi jin and i don't cry and nor will i ever cry because-
"shh, stop crying," he says. fuck, so the mighty akanishi jin does cry. he holds me close like he initiated the hug and not me and it's annoying because i'm-
"you're akanishi jin, don't cry." stop reading whatever the fuck is going in my mind kamenashi.
"then tell me you love me back, kamenashi. tell me you're not leaving and i won't have to face the attack of the make up staff alone and manager-san hassling me to wake the fuck up just when i'm having a good dream about being better than you and just please, kame. i don't know why but please," and the tears right now won't stop.
this time, the invisible tear tracks are not invisible anymore. this time, i'm not sure if ever i'm going to get what i want. this time, i'm not sure i can take it if kazuya refuses anything i ask of him. this time, i can't be rebel badass akanishi jin. because this time, all i want to show kame is that akanishi jin is also a person with feelings.
right now, kame is not speaking and i'm getting nervous but he's breathing so that's okay, it's more than okay.
"i thought it was obvious jin. i thought you already knew. everyone did, i assume you did too," he says and it's getting blurrier and blurrier.
"everyone knew what kame?"
"that i love you. i've been in love with you for so long jin,"
and then for a second i forgot i knew i needed to breathe; forgot that kamenashi kazuya was in his hands; i didn't need to speak, kame knew what i was saying through my actions. his hands were tightening around my waist, my own hands finding it's way up to lock around his neck.
foreheads so close air can't even penetrate it; then our lips touched, lips soft and addicting. kamenashi tasted like vanilla, the exotic kind. all my life i've kissed all sorts of girls - japanese, foreign, thin, fat, small, tall, young, old, etc. but nothing compares to kame's lips.
nothing at all.
but i know this doesn't change anything at all, kame is still going to leave and i'm still going to love him and if i'm lucky, he's still going to love me after all these years of being dense.
my name is akanishi jin, and only kamenashi kazuya left tear tracks in my face. the good kind, always the good kind.
_
author's note: maybe the last fic i'll write for the whole month of march. i hope y'all like this, ja.
author's note 2: i realized this is similar to my first fic. or not. lol :3