(no subject)
The Surreal Life. Thats how i feel about life really, my life. Not some wacky reality show. But the timing and place of so many "coincidental" things. I can truly understand how anyone can think i read too much into things but because of personal knowledge i have about certain things, it's very plausible that i'm not.
At lunch at Don Jose w/ Grammy and G.p., Grammy brought up guys. Of course she directed her question: "any boys??" No contest my answer was no. I explained to her that no good looking guys live in Texas. and that if there were any i might have something. She then asked about Conley saying "well that one boy at your graduation wasn't bad..." I made a very disagreeing face and shook my head. She continued her way of advice-giving (i guess), She said "well you can't expect some... some........ Jude Law."
I paused. and then i laughed a little and looked down. i was really amazed. I told her "i love Jude Law." Of all the good looking actors my 70something year-old grandmother could have named off she picked him. jake was my Jude Law. I had a Jude Law. I could, but i don't now. I can't say they miss you because they don't know why they should but i swear i caught Grammy catching herself before asking about you. I would have said good. Thats how i hope.
They mentioned Carrows more than once prior to all that. i thought that was going to be the worst of it.
I'm having a hard time growing up alone. I sat with them at lunch and i liked our conversation. I know they don't see me as a child anymore and i'm being more acknowledged as an adult. But i'm having a hard time growing up alone. I'd be so thankful for a hand to hold. He was there, he was my physical hand to hold. And i have to go back to it. I wish he had been at graduation. and not anyone else. i really do. Sometimes i can't forgive myself.
Ca reminds me of him and '03. I partially blame my short termish memory. You would think i could remember how it felt before that. But i really don't. I remember the fun yeah, and the events, but I don't remember the feeling. So trust me and believe me when i say i would move on if i could. I wouldn't go through constant memories and reminders every day, or if i did i would feel nothing from them. But i can't. I have no ground in front of me and no where to move. Things could be so much different.
This afternoon i went with talia and brian for their lunch. Almost every story i told was about me and syd and our crazy crazy adventures. I talked to her on the phone earlier and we were lame and were like "aw i miss you!" i know it's so gay but honestly, i'm so thankful to have a friend like her, not many people have stuck by me like she has and i've always had trouble finding someone i won't get annoyed by after a while. we kick ass simple as that.
Tonight my sister, my dad and i hung out. The sat in the car all night listening to music. i liked that, they're fun. i really missed my dad. I'm excited about the rest of this week. i really need it.