(no subject)
Seasonal Exercisers
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- Bicycle riders. I'm not talking about the professional cyclists you see around. Those guys know the rules of the road and don't fuck with you. Sure, they make you uneasy as you drive next to them, but most of them have great etiquette. No, I'm talking about the plumber who decides he wants to get in shape but is afraid he'll shatter his knees if he tries to run (not that I can blame him). They wobble down the center of the street at 5mph, 10 if the tires haven't popped yet. You impatiently follow them, secretly hoping that they'll fall over and give you an opportunity to run over them with the alibi that they fell in front of your car as you were passing them. They never fall though. Their fat provides some sort of extraordinary balance, sort of like the buoyancy they have in the water. And sometimes they make an attempt at letting you pass, but they wobble right back into your path and are too big to get around anyway. I usually keep donuts with me and toss one to the side as far as I can.
- Women "speed walking" in tights. Yeah, you thought this was an early-90's trend, but it's still going on. It should be classified under public indecency and outlawed. The women don about thirty pounds of fat before winter so they can hybernate inside their homes in between soccer season and baseball season. When nice weather rolls around, they buy a pair of black spandex pants 6 sizes too small and go out walking so that they can lose enough weight to fit into a bathing suit and spend the entire summer at the beach. In reality, they never slim down. All the weight they lose, if any, is gained back when they celebrate by eating three cheesecakes. Plus, they only actually go out to exercise once a week at most. But because there are so many of them, I'm still forced to witness them multiple times a day, every day.
- People who think walking their dog to the end of the street is exercise. Tell you what: if you agree to also bend over and pick up the dog shit that your dog leaves on the sidewalk, I'll consider it a form of aerobics.
- Joggers/Runners. With this group, I detest those who are actually in shape and do it regularly, and not the amateurs. Amateur joggers know that they suck and should stay on the sidewalk (or maybe they know that people pay money to see oddities as weird as their running technique and thus try to stay out of sight). But for some reason, the more "athletic" runners feel as though they deserve to run in the bike lane, or if there is none, on the road itself. Who put it in their head that they can run as fast as a fucking car? YOU CAN'T. EVER. You can't even run as fast as a car in the slowest speed zone around here. And hell, if there are no sidewalks, at least jog on the correct side of the road (the left side) and in a column, not a row. I feel like I'm bowling when I'm driving, and you have no idea how tempting it is to go for a strike instead of the lawful gutterball.
- Anyone that thinks riding a jet ski is a form of exercise is an idiot. And anyone that rides their jet ski too close to the shore, let alone all the way onto the fucking shore, is getting torn off and used as a stepping stool as I steal your jet ski. Kids swim there, prick. And I pee there.
- Assholes at the beach who think they own it just because they're in shape and tan. Yeah, you'll probably be having sex in the water later and I won't be. But I can still piss in the water, and that puts me in power.
The best part? When the spandex pants are so small that when the fatass puts them on, the seams stretch to such an extent that you can see their cellulite-ridden legs blotching at the sight of the sun. Or when they decide they're still going to spend all summer at the beach, even with their rolls hanging out of their bathing suit and sea of cellulite wafting over their slightly rippling fat, resembling the waves of the real sea.
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