[ voight-kampff ]
Consequences, if I'm wiling to accept and learn from them, become the board and the lessons come in as waves. Manageable, understandable and I can ride them to the beach again and again. I feel safe right now and less insecure. I feel like I have nothing but time to get it right. I enjoy the analysis and picking apart to learn this.
Demolishing old structures and letting new scaffolding take their place, like the Lebbeus Woods I quoted a few months ago on here. Two years analog wave riding. It's nice to think of the mind rather than the brain. It's nice to know I haven't "pushed the pencil in" my brain once for the sake of getting better and fixing it. My case worker looked at me dead in the eyes and said, you will probably not have another relationship as fervent as this past one. In some ways, a blessing. In others an complete loss. I'm glad I can see both factors clearly and take them for what they are to me.
Sometimes I wonder why the fuck I tell any of you this. Livejournal seems to be the last conduit that the exhibitionist in me has to lay myself out. Most of it I've kept off in an anonymous blog for the last year but I guess I just am learning to enjoy introversion more and I've been clearer in these past few entries with what's gone on than I have been ever. It's the clarity of being able to think on it without anger, assumption, force, fright or insecurity.
I continue to look forward to the new tour in the fall and everything about it. I'll be back to NYC soon enough but this time I'm going back when I'm ready. It feels so pure to say that. Instead of being told where I should go or feel guilty about making a choice, I'm enjoying choosing and weighing. Calculating risk and cost but not letting it get in the way of doing.
Liis gave me some compassionate and honest ideas just under a year ago in a few messages. The simplest of these became the strongest.
"when you leave your Ego behind,
only then you will find yourself."
Her word's have become so intensely true and it's so great to arrive at the real knowledge of this truth, not just the idea that it is.
