(no subject)
Ugh... this is going to sound retarded, but i had a shitty day today. I had breakfast at my favourite diner and then hung out downtown and went wakeboarding.
Obviously, the things i did today are not what made it shitty.
I've just had enough of this "Vacation". Till now i've fought off my depression fairly well, and i have earnestly enjoyed spending time with everyone here... but i can't lie to myself anymore, i'm bloody miserable.
I have no desire to "live my own life", to "do the things that you can't do when you're committed to someone". I thought that this stay in Vernon would sever my connection to Sarah and Ottawa and force me to do some of those things, but it hasn't. (Thank the Gods!) It's just made me realise how little i want them, and shown me clearer than ever the things i DO want. I don't want to sleep with other people, i don't want to go to parties alone, i don't want to not have to think of my everpresent other-half. Everyone keeps saying this independence is good for me, and i'm tired of hearing it. I'm not an independent person. Does that make me a pussy? A pushover? Weak? Clingy? Fuck it, i don't care anymore.
Why is it so accepted... even celebrated... that people my age can constantly have the urge to be themselves, explore, experiment, go wild... (and for the record, it should be accepted, this isn't a jab at the people who do that, independence is a wonderful trait in a person and i have no contempt whatsoever for those people... matter of fact, i'm somewhat envious.)
but whenever i talk about just wanting to settle down with someone and live as a couple, i'm treated like some kind of freak? No, i don't want to go backpacking across Europe. No, i don't want to live the wild life of a rock star. No, i have absolutely no desire to have sex except as a declaration of love for the only person on the earth i'll ever love. So please, STOP trying to set me up with your friend/cousin/acquaintance. I know you think it will, but it won't do me any good. I'm not like you.
You think i'm letting life pass me by, but the only time i enjoy life is when i feel like i'm part of something bigger than myself. I can't feel that way out on my own, or picking up chicks at a bar. The times i feel like i'm part of something worthwhile are when i'm with Sarah's family. Her parents are very important people to me... whenever i'm with them, or with her, i feel like i'm exactly where i'm supposed to be.
It hurts to type this... As much as i love my parents, when i'm with them i feel like a fish out of water. My life isn't out here. It's in my home, Ottawa.
All i want to do is hold onto someone, take care of them, be taken care of, and lay perfectly comfortable in the future we've promised eachother. I want to feel complete, and i can do that when i'm with Sarah. I can't when i'm not.
It's pretty much that simple. God i'm homesick.
Oh, and one last thing.
I will NEVER move on from Sarah. If her path took her away from me permenantly, so be it, I love her, and i wouldn't hesitate to do what's best for her.
But there would be no other. So before anyone even says that i can find someone else to devote myself to, someone who wouldn't "put me though all this", know that I very well could, but it would be a complete sham. I will, until i draw my dying breath, long only for the touch of the most beautiful and caring person on earth, my soulmate.
I realise i'm young. I realise you all think this is infatuation. Well FUCK YOU ALL. If that's what's going through your condescending minds, fine. Keep it to your damn selves.
Obviously, the things i did today are not what made it shitty.
I've just had enough of this "Vacation". Till now i've fought off my depression fairly well, and i have earnestly enjoyed spending time with everyone here... but i can't lie to myself anymore, i'm bloody miserable.
I have no desire to "live my own life", to "do the things that you can't do when you're committed to someone". I thought that this stay in Vernon would sever my connection to Sarah and Ottawa and force me to do some of those things, but it hasn't. (Thank the Gods!) It's just made me realise how little i want them, and shown me clearer than ever the things i DO want. I don't want to sleep with other people, i don't want to go to parties alone, i don't want to not have to think of my everpresent other-half. Everyone keeps saying this independence is good for me, and i'm tired of hearing it. I'm not an independent person. Does that make me a pussy? A pushover? Weak? Clingy? Fuck it, i don't care anymore.
Why is it so accepted... even celebrated... that people my age can constantly have the urge to be themselves, explore, experiment, go wild... (and for the record, it should be accepted, this isn't a jab at the people who do that, independence is a wonderful trait in a person and i have no contempt whatsoever for those people... matter of fact, i'm somewhat envious.)
but whenever i talk about just wanting to settle down with someone and live as a couple, i'm treated like some kind of freak? No, i don't want to go backpacking across Europe. No, i don't want to live the wild life of a rock star. No, i have absolutely no desire to have sex except as a declaration of love for the only person on the earth i'll ever love. So please, STOP trying to set me up with your friend/cousin/acquaintance. I know you think it will, but it won't do me any good. I'm not like you.
You think i'm letting life pass me by, but the only time i enjoy life is when i feel like i'm part of something bigger than myself. I can't feel that way out on my own, or picking up chicks at a bar. The times i feel like i'm part of something worthwhile are when i'm with Sarah's family. Her parents are very important people to me... whenever i'm with them, or with her, i feel like i'm exactly where i'm supposed to be.
It hurts to type this... As much as i love my parents, when i'm with them i feel like a fish out of water. My life isn't out here. It's in my home, Ottawa.
All i want to do is hold onto someone, take care of them, be taken care of, and lay perfectly comfortable in the future we've promised eachother. I want to feel complete, and i can do that when i'm with Sarah. I can't when i'm not.
It's pretty much that simple. God i'm homesick.
Oh, and one last thing.
I will NEVER move on from Sarah. If her path took her away from me permenantly, so be it, I love her, and i wouldn't hesitate to do what's best for her.
But there would be no other. So before anyone even says that i can find someone else to devote myself to, someone who wouldn't "put me though all this", know that I very well could, but it would be a complete sham. I will, until i draw my dying breath, long only for the touch of the most beautiful and caring person on earth, my soulmate.
I realise i'm young. I realise you all think this is infatuation. Well FUCK YOU ALL. If that's what's going through your condescending minds, fine. Keep it to your damn selves.