(no subject)
Tonight was the CHID Potluck at for the Peer Facilitators and Teaching Assistants for CHID 110. I laughed a lot, I ate really good food. Conversations were a range of topics, some that I wasn't sure if I was comfortable with or just didn't feel like talking about at that moment. I had a strange conversation with the TA I worked with on a journey to the convience store to get ice about disappointment in life and how lonely you feel when you don't appeal to an audience (like students) that you use to...it was strange. I didn't really concern myself with being attractive this year and it was awkward because I didn't feel teh compulsion to share my emotional feelings and thoughts about love and life with this person. It wasnt a question of whether or not he could handle it or understand or even about trust, it was just more about recognition of who I see as close to me.
I wouldnt hesitate to share all these kind of thoughts with Sullivan, or Rachel, or my boys back home. It's just I don't feel like having a compulsive and endless discussion about disastisfaction with love in my life will get me anywhere. Though, finding love hasn't really been a concern in the recent months...or most of 2005 to be honest. It's been more about what I can learn from now and what I need to get done to move on so I'm still in a position to have options in my future rather than having to accept whatever will take me ( like a career/living arrangements, etc).
Is my lack of search for love mean I've lost my heart someplace? Why do I find myself at the same crossroads I always find myself at where I feel like it's not necessarily that I'm lacking emotions because of oppurtunity for stimulation, but more a lack of emotions because I don't have the capability to love to the extraordinary degree that I know others are...WHY WHY do I always wonder if I'm defective?
I wouldnt hesitate to share all these kind of thoughts with Sullivan, or Rachel, or my boys back home. It's just I don't feel like having a compulsive and endless discussion about disastisfaction with love in my life will get me anywhere. Though, finding love hasn't really been a concern in the recent months...or most of 2005 to be honest. It's been more about what I can learn from now and what I need to get done to move on so I'm still in a position to have options in my future rather than having to accept whatever will take me ( like a career/living arrangements, etc).
Is my lack of search for love mean I've lost my heart someplace? Why do I find myself at the same crossroads I always find myself at where I feel like it's not necessarily that I'm lacking emotions because of oppurtunity for stimulation, but more a lack of emotions because I don't have the capability to love to the extraordinary degree that I know others are...WHY WHY do I always wonder if I'm defective?