(no subject)
today has been nice to me.
i hate feeling so fragile, but i just really needed today to go like this for me.
i'm feeling okay, we'll just see how that goes.
the past few days with rachel have been amazing.
i honestly can't fathom someone being a better best friend.
and hot damn did we have some laughs.
and oh my god soco amoretto key lime wine.
i stopped in nashville on my way back home this afternoon. i secretly parked in a pay lot without paying and rode the elevator up a nashville mini-skyscraper to sneak to my dad's cubicle to talk.
we walked around nashville (he told his boss he had to go to the post office. it takes an hour to do that apparently. my dad gets +5 skipping work points).
it was nice to talk to him and have him not yell at me when i pulled out a cigarette while we leaned against his car in the parking garage and talked.
and he listened when i needed to tell him about why it hurt so much and why i had to run away to the ocean and why i don't want to believe that love isn't true and real and why sex compliments things because it's not something i can take lightly and i don't understand how soon after that things could just fall apart.
and he talked when i needed to pause because i was getting too upset. and he told me about all the women he's known in his life and gave me what advice he could (thank god he didn't try to give me that other fish in the sea bullshit).
it was nice.
son, why do you think it is that we hurt the ones we love? it's because we love them and trust them enough to know that they'll let us.
my heart is still in music and i swear i'm going to do it if you'll just believe me.
but i have no interest in the music business to be candid.
it's all bullshit and i've called it and i see through all your fraud that you justify as 'just the way it is'.
with my eight track and my guitar and my record player and my little red beating heart i can learn more about music than any university could ever teach, i'm sure of it.
so if i'm going to school (and since i'm making two grand a semester just to go i might as well), i want to learn how to drive ambulances.
i think this means becoming a paramedic.
i need to look into it, but it's something i'd like to follow through on.
and i'm going to see what schools are available in nyc that i might be able to transfer and how much i would have to borrow in student loans to go there and just how possible it is.
depending on what i find out, i could take flight a lot sooner than i thought.
i can't help but be excited thinking that this time next year i could make my move.
also, in what i think is the most amazing turn of events in my whole life possible, i can say this:
i am in the music video for my favorite song in the whole wide world.
go to headautomatica.com and watch the beating heart baby video and watch for the kid in the red shirt during the bridge (the part with the cowbell!) and ending and just know that you're seeing me at one of the most joyous times of my life.
i can't tell you how happy this makes me. i just can't because it has nothing to do with words.
it has to do with feeling like i am a part of something that is so much a part of me, like sex.
and knowing that i kissed sara in cbgb while HA played the soundtrack just for us, and knowing that i will forever have a reminder of that (regardless of what happens to us now...)- it's something nobody could ever take away.
not even her.
ambulancia:
noun. the person or event that causes some variety of intense love, broken heart, near death/life experience, et cetera; one who calls the ambulance to the scene of a disaster; lovers who dance and deal in broken hearts.
adjective. a person or object that possesses the traits of a hospital or ambulance; a dangerous or impetuous lover.
as in:
quite the ambulancia she (we) turned out to be.
proceed to add this to your vocabulary if you'd like. and make up your own words while you're at it.
we'll rewrite this stupid, limiting language that holds us hostage.
brandon.
i hate feeling so fragile, but i just really needed today to go like this for me.
i'm feeling okay, we'll just see how that goes.
the past few days with rachel have been amazing.
i honestly can't fathom someone being a better best friend.
and hot damn did we have some laughs.
and oh my god soco amoretto key lime wine.
i stopped in nashville on my way back home this afternoon. i secretly parked in a pay lot without paying and rode the elevator up a nashville mini-skyscraper to sneak to my dad's cubicle to talk.
we walked around nashville (he told his boss he had to go to the post office. it takes an hour to do that apparently. my dad gets +5 skipping work points).
it was nice to talk to him and have him not yell at me when i pulled out a cigarette while we leaned against his car in the parking garage and talked.
and he listened when i needed to tell him about why it hurt so much and why i had to run away to the ocean and why i don't want to believe that love isn't true and real and why sex compliments things because it's not something i can take lightly and i don't understand how soon after that things could just fall apart.
and he talked when i needed to pause because i was getting too upset. and he told me about all the women he's known in his life and gave me what advice he could (thank god he didn't try to give me that other fish in the sea bullshit).
it was nice.
son, why do you think it is that we hurt the ones we love? it's because we love them and trust them enough to know that they'll let us.
my heart is still in music and i swear i'm going to do it if you'll just believe me.
but i have no interest in the music business to be candid.
it's all bullshit and i've called it and i see through all your fraud that you justify as 'just the way it is'.
with my eight track and my guitar and my record player and my little red beating heart i can learn more about music than any university could ever teach, i'm sure of it.
so if i'm going to school (and since i'm making two grand a semester just to go i might as well), i want to learn how to drive ambulances.
i think this means becoming a paramedic.
i need to look into it, but it's something i'd like to follow through on.
and i'm going to see what schools are available in nyc that i might be able to transfer and how much i would have to borrow in student loans to go there and just how possible it is.
depending on what i find out, i could take flight a lot sooner than i thought.
i can't help but be excited thinking that this time next year i could make my move.
also, in what i think is the most amazing turn of events in my whole life possible, i can say this:
i am in the music video for my favorite song in the whole wide world.
go to headautomatica.com and watch the beating heart baby video and watch for the kid in the red shirt during the bridge (the part with the cowbell!) and ending and just know that you're seeing me at one of the most joyous times of my life.
i can't tell you how happy this makes me. i just can't because it has nothing to do with words.
it has to do with feeling like i am a part of something that is so much a part of me, like sex.
and knowing that i kissed sara in cbgb while HA played the soundtrack just for us, and knowing that i will forever have a reminder of that (regardless of what happens to us now...)- it's something nobody could ever take away.
not even her.
ambulancia:
noun. the person or event that causes some variety of intense love, broken heart, near death/life experience, et cetera; one who calls the ambulance to the scene of a disaster; lovers who dance and deal in broken hearts.
adjective. a person or object that possesses the traits of a hospital or ambulance; a dangerous or impetuous lover.
as in:
quite the ambulancia she (we) turned out to be.
proceed to add this to your vocabulary if you'd like. and make up your own words while you're at it.
we'll rewrite this stupid, limiting language that holds us hostage.
brandon.