pertinence
I never knew if you read the LiveJournal entry I posted a few days after our return from California. To be honest, I wasn't sure that I wanted to know. I had posted in hopes that you might read it and know, regardless of future matters, that you had inspired an overwhelming emotion. That, even if nothing were ever to transpire between us again, I had felt something in that moment, and that thinking so much even once made it as real and true as anything ever could be, if only for an instant.
My mind is still cloudy. My wounds are not healed, and I can not quite place what, if anything, it is that I'm looking for. It seems pertinent at this point for me to be alone; yet, as days grow longer I find it harder to push a sense of longing from my mind at a glance in your direction. It's true that I've often found my lips longing for a smooth caress from your skin, but while my free-spirited side swoons at the idea of opportunity, my rationale speaks better of it. I'm unsure of my mind and it's intent, and the last thing I'd want is to drag you along at your heart's expense, all due to an exposure of my own inner whim.
It's such a strange and detached relationship we share, pretending not to know what's alive in each other's head, scared to speak of such things lest our friendship meet a screeching halt. (Then again the whole world seems to live in this fashion, scared to face controversies, scared of what others might think; though our situation is undoubtedly touchier than most.)
Well, let me be the first to brave the storm, and throw fear to the wind. Here is my truth:
The longer I know you, the more your presence helps fill my soul. You are an incredible individual, and while you still have growing left to do (and don't we all? and what would the point be if any of us were ever to reach a point in which we didn't have more room to grow?! ..but I digress...) I want to experience you. I want to see more of the beauty I've watched pour from your fingertips. I want to know your lips, just once, clear and without alcohol's muddled assistance...
As I said earlier, my mind is still cloudy, and I'm not really certain what it is that I'm trying to propose here, but more than anything I just want you to know what I am thinking. I want you to know who I am.
My mind is still cloudy. My wounds are not healed, and I can not quite place what, if anything, it is that I'm looking for. It seems pertinent at this point for me to be alone; yet, as days grow longer I find it harder to push a sense of longing from my mind at a glance in your direction. It's true that I've often found my lips longing for a smooth caress from your skin, but while my free-spirited side swoons at the idea of opportunity, my rationale speaks better of it. I'm unsure of my mind and it's intent, and the last thing I'd want is to drag you along at your heart's expense, all due to an exposure of my own inner whim.
It's such a strange and detached relationship we share, pretending not to know what's alive in each other's head, scared to speak of such things lest our friendship meet a screeching halt. (Then again the whole world seems to live in this fashion, scared to face controversies, scared of what others might think; though our situation is undoubtedly touchier than most.)
Well, let me be the first to brave the storm, and throw fear to the wind. Here is my truth:
The longer I know you, the more your presence helps fill my soul. You are an incredible individual, and while you still have growing left to do (and don't we all? and what would the point be if any of us were ever to reach a point in which we didn't have more room to grow?! ..but I digress...) I want to experience you. I want to see more of the beauty I've watched pour from your fingertips. I want to know your lips, just once, clear and without alcohol's muddled assistance...
As I said earlier, my mind is still cloudy, and I'm not really certain what it is that I'm trying to propose here, but more than anything I just want you to know what I am thinking. I want you to know who I am.