Weerrrrrr, weerrrrrr. World War VII is in full effect!
You heard me, Gengrich, ya scaly little amphibious offshoot of REAL lizards. WW VII (7, for those of you more bound by our Arabic Numeral system) is upon us! Some of you are (I know for a fact) wondering, “John…what the hell are Arabic Numerals?” Worry you not, for I’ll answer your question with a brief history of every World War we’ve faced up to now.
World War I, the great war, the cumbersome chapter in your textbook that deals with a strange unfolding of political niceties and treaties that led three cousins to trench warfare the crap out of each other. Basically how it goes, some figurehead gets shot, Germany has to support their government, France doesn’t, so Vilhelm grits his teeth, digs his feet into the dust and starts hurlin’ shells at an invisible line between Versailles and Veinershnitzel. That’s it really; short, sweet, and simple. France loses, Germany loses, Britain loses, America wins. As it should be.
Now, we know full well how much POTC II sucked, how abysmally the new Star Wars movies bombed, but nothing sucked harder, longer, and more committedly than the granddaddy sequel of them all, World War II. This continuation sucked so bad, in fact, that six million Jews disappeared from Europe overnight (so critically acclaimed scholars insist, in order to move to the Bronx). The head bad-ass of the war performed so shamefully that Charlie Chaplin filmed “The Great Dictator” in order to restore some dignity to handlebar moustaches. At the conclusion of the war, we felt so sorry for New York that we decided to create a state set aside specifically for the Hebrews. Argentina immediately volunteered land for the purpose, but the Zionists didn’t feel the Spanish were easy enough to piss off at a moment’s notice (the male half of the Spanish race, anyway). Besides, half a century later, turban jokes would be all over the Internet. The choice was obvious.
World War III: Economics. Why blitzkrieg your neighbors to death when stagnating their market, turning the higher and lower classes against each other, and creating a socialist political terror is so much more permanent? From 1950 up ‘til now, a combination of outsourcing, dual citizens taking advantage of health benefits, unpopular wars with people over the melanin they stole from us throughout evolution, and conducting studies into why Americans are so fat, lazy, and unsuccessful have drained financial reserves and created a debt darker than Slim Shady (when the TV’s off). Unfortunately, this tax money is sadly wasted because, when presented with a clipboard, all Americans are into the eighth week of their diet, active at the gym at least thrice a week, and the CEO of their own business.
WW IV rolled in when France and Italy were set off to rattle sabers at the 2006 World Cup and everyone wanted France to win except me. The ensuing popular uproar culminated in incredible bloodshed that could only be described as big number four. The fighting ended when an unfortunate Italian who exposed Zidane as a baby-eating terrorist got headbutted in the sternum. The resulting thud made the shots at Lexington and Concord shit themselves.
The fivenator came around thereafter when a collaboration of physicists and Asian teenagers from the engineering department of a few major universities attempted to use contemporary knowledge of the laws of science to unravel the mystery of France finally winning a war. Pocket protectors flew and glasses had to be retaped a thousand times over.
Number six broke out shortly after Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson announced their engagement. If God has mercy on our souls, it will end by not only making abortion permissible, but mandatory for couples it gets voted for by a commission of citizens who have written more than one passing college thesis.
There you have it. I suggest you all make your peace with your creator, your lover, and the neighbor you always flick off once a week on your way to work because his empty garbage can rolled in front of you driveway. Everybody buy a “Welcome back, Jesus” T-shirt and hope for the best!
[Arabic Numerals are the numbers 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9, because at least one of you is still in the dark.]
World War I, the great war, the cumbersome chapter in your textbook that deals with a strange unfolding of political niceties and treaties that led three cousins to trench warfare the crap out of each other. Basically how it goes, some figurehead gets shot, Germany has to support their government, France doesn’t, so Vilhelm grits his teeth, digs his feet into the dust and starts hurlin’ shells at an invisible line between Versailles and Veinershnitzel. That’s it really; short, sweet, and simple. France loses, Germany loses, Britain loses, America wins. As it should be.
Now, we know full well how much POTC II sucked, how abysmally the new Star Wars movies bombed, but nothing sucked harder, longer, and more committedly than the granddaddy sequel of them all, World War II. This continuation sucked so bad, in fact, that six million Jews disappeared from Europe overnight (so critically acclaimed scholars insist, in order to move to the Bronx). The head bad-ass of the war performed so shamefully that Charlie Chaplin filmed “The Great Dictator” in order to restore some dignity to handlebar moustaches. At the conclusion of the war, we felt so sorry for New York that we decided to create a state set aside specifically for the Hebrews. Argentina immediately volunteered land for the purpose, but the Zionists didn’t feel the Spanish were easy enough to piss off at a moment’s notice (the male half of the Spanish race, anyway). Besides, half a century later, turban jokes would be all over the Internet. The choice was obvious.
World War III: Economics. Why blitzkrieg your neighbors to death when stagnating their market, turning the higher and lower classes against each other, and creating a socialist political terror is so much more permanent? From 1950 up ‘til now, a combination of outsourcing, dual citizens taking advantage of health benefits, unpopular wars with people over the melanin they stole from us throughout evolution, and conducting studies into why Americans are so fat, lazy, and unsuccessful have drained financial reserves and created a debt darker than Slim Shady (when the TV’s off). Unfortunately, this tax money is sadly wasted because, when presented with a clipboard, all Americans are into the eighth week of their diet, active at the gym at least thrice a week, and the CEO of their own business.
WW IV rolled in when France and Italy were set off to rattle sabers at the 2006 World Cup and everyone wanted France to win except me. The ensuing popular uproar culminated in incredible bloodshed that could only be described as big number four. The fighting ended when an unfortunate Italian who exposed Zidane as a baby-eating terrorist got headbutted in the sternum. The resulting thud made the shots at Lexington and Concord shit themselves.
The fivenator came around thereafter when a collaboration of physicists and Asian teenagers from the engineering department of a few major universities attempted to use contemporary knowledge of the laws of science to unravel the mystery of France finally winning a war. Pocket protectors flew and glasses had to be retaped a thousand times over.
Number six broke out shortly after Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson announced their engagement. If God has mercy on our souls, it will end by not only making abortion permissible, but mandatory for couples it gets voted for by a commission of citizens who have written more than one passing college thesis.
There you have it. I suggest you all make your peace with your creator, your lover, and the neighbor you always flick off once a week on your way to work because his empty garbage can rolled in front of you driveway. Everybody buy a “Welcome back, Jesus” T-shirt and hope for the best!
[Arabic Numerals are the numbers 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9, because at least one of you is still in the dark.]