(no subject)
Today would be our one-year anniversary. When I woke up my heart was beating real fast and I knew that I needed to hear your voice today, even if words I didn't want to hear came from it. But your phone is off and you're not home so I settled for your picture. I opened the weathered box that I stuffed all of our stuff in and as I started to go through it I started to cry. I read the letters you wrote me and they were all lies. You lied to me over and over and I believed you. I trusted you. I thought you were better. Every single letter was filled with lies about how much you loved me and how much you wanted to be better for me. But you never got better. Instead you sunk further and further and now you're at where you are this very day and I'm not even there with you. I cried so hard that I threw up and as I threw up my stomach bile I tried to think of anything else but you. I couldn't. When I turned on the water to wash it away I pretended I was washing you and all your lies away. I pretended that I was watching you slide slowly down the drain until I couldn't see you anymore. I want to throw up every single memory of you that I ever had because all you ever did was lie to me and now I'm finally angry. I want to drive to your house and see your face and know that it exists and then drive away and throw up all the way home. I can't take this anymore. I can't do it. I can't erase my memory and it sits there every day giving me flashbacks of what isn't even there anymore. Yesterday I went to San Diego and coincidentally went to all of the places we used to go. I kept looking up and down the streets hoping you'd be there but you weren't. I don't know where you are. I watched the people on the street and I looked at the ones holding hands and I remembered what you used to say about our hands. You said that they fit perfectly and they'd never fit with anyone else's. I hope the next person's hand you hold is much too small or large and I hope you feel the gap between your hand and hers and think about how perfect mine was for you. I hope you realize all your lies one day. I hope they catch up to you and then you will throw up but only because you're so angry with yourself for letting me down, for letting yourself down. I hope one day when you are busy doing all those things that you do to keep yourself occupied you look in the mirror and see your face and remember how you used to be. I hope you see that one of these days. But until then I will sit here, angry and upset and sick and alone, waiting for you. I will wait and wait and wait. I don't care. And when someone new comes along I will compare them to you even though there is not much to compare. I will not trust them because I will think that the letters they write me are lies and the words that flow from their mouths are lies. I will not believe anything because of you. I will be scared the whole time. And when someone new grabs my hand I will feel the space and be angry at you all over again for shoving my hand away and pushing me away. Every time I start to feel the anger fade it rises up again and I feel it like it's brand new. That's what you do to me.