(no subject)
I've got a funny feeling in my stomach. It's like with each mile I drive the discomfort builds and builds in my stomach. One day, it will rise to the top and I'll vomit up all my unhappiness and anxiousness and start new again. I did some reading today and the words on the pages seemed to leap up and race each other to my head. It really hit me, all of it. All the things that they have been saying for so long. All the things that I have been denying. All the things about myself that I just don't like. It has all been stewing underneath and now it has boiled over and I feel like my flesh has been burned raw and I don't want to look at myself. A mirror can be a painful reminder of all the things you wish you could erase. Not just the things that are in plain view, but the things that lie underneath all that, the things that lie within. Sometimes my heart skips a beat, but not because I'm excited or swept away, but because it must do so to remind me that I am human. That one day, I will perish and my heart won't beat at all. When I don't see Frankie around for awhile I fear that he has left already and I wasn't able to warm his heart after all the bitterness over the years. What a shame it would be for him to die unhealthy and unhappy, alone in a tiny apartment while his ex-wives open their alimony checks. I want to get on the freeway tomorrow and just see where my car takes me. I want to run away from you and from all that I've allowed you to do to me. But I am not a victim. There are others who have suffered and will suffer much greater tragedies than this. And for that, I am sorry.