My life could be a reality tv show...this year woulda been a particularly good season

[the___fury]

I keep trying to find reasons to exist. I would like to think I'm not the only one. I feel singled out somehow by some sort of negative cosmic karma. Then again I really don't think I deserve this. It's not even so much that I still feel like I need to be in that emotionally torturing relationship, I don't even miss it and I know that I don't want to be there. It's more that after all these reassurances I am abandoned again. I'm written off like I'm not a human being. I mean that's what I am right? So why don't I deserve some fucking compassion. After all the compassion i've thrown on the world. I feel drained, whored, cheap, and taken for granted. I just want civility and I just want people to care I suppose. I don't want just a particular person to care, though I've made it quite clear that I would like a phone call every billion years, I want SOMEONE, ANYONE to care. I have never felt like I've mattered honestly. When will I? When will it be okay for me to feel stable? Why can't I? These are the tribulations of being a disposable person, I always think I'm at terms with this, then I get too comfortable with forgetting or overlooking. Then it hits me. PEOPLE should not be disposable. Someone told me they should but I CAN'T agree. I feel like I'm expired already. I've been encumbered by mortal thoughts and then in turn leading to this familiar feeling that I'm sick of, sick of writing about, and I'm sure people are sick of hearing about. Maybe I'm the malignancy? Things tend to go awry around me. There is never calm. Always a shit storm, always a problem.

I am well aware that problems are what life is consisted of. It's how we learn, grow, etc blah blah blah gobbledeegook I fucking want a break already damnit. WHEN THE FUCK DO I GET MY BREAK? THIS year is the snowballing shit streak on my life, When will shit finally just settle? I think i deserve a little peace of mind as well as some happiness.

I am making it a point beginning this coming semester to avoid conflict and drama at all cost, to become content with myself, to keep good people close to me, do something for myself for once untethered to any burden, and do whatever the hell i feel like doing.

I am officially finished with this rant. Goal for this year: BE HAPPY WITH MYSELF