I Did It!!! I Finally Fucking Did It!!!!
Saturday; March 04,2006 at 12:30
Forty-four days from now will be judgment day. I scheduled my appointment to take my National Massage Licensure Exam. It took me ten minutes to click the "commit to this date and time" button. All I could do is stare at the computer screen and think about what it would be like to sit at the testing facility. But I did it. I'm going to take my test, finally. And I'm scared fucking shitless!
I don't know what's wrong with me. I've never had test anxiety before... but this exam just seems so final. The last 3 to 4 years of my natural life are riding on this exam. All I can keep telling myself is "don't fuck it up". I lack the confidence in myself to make myself believe that I can pass. I just keep thinking about the consequences of if I fail. I seriously don't know what I would do if I failed this test... I'd just die. I'd feel as if I just took $12,000.00, doused it with gasoline and flicked a match at it. *POOF!* Bye-bye money... So Long Education... Farewell Career!!
I know I shouldn't think like that, but Jesus Christ!!(Sorry, it's out of character to say such a thing, but this is how serious this is!!!) I've never felt this way before. I've always done well in school. I graduated with honors, even with this stupid private school. For fuck's sake I had a 3.8 GPA... But I have convinced myself that I'm going to fail!! What is wrong with me?!?!
I don't know what my deal is... I've never been this scare in my life. Maybe my mentality with it all is that this is the last step I take before finally becoming a "grown up." Once I complete this I will have a career; I will have made myself into something. No more low- wage jobs, no more worrying about if my next pay check will cover my expenses. I don't know... I'm over-analyzing this.
I NEED TO GO FUCKING STUDY!!!
Forty-four days from now will be judgment day. I scheduled my appointment to take my National Massage Licensure Exam. It took me ten minutes to click the "commit to this date and time" button. All I could do is stare at the computer screen and think about what it would be like to sit at the testing facility. But I did it. I'm going to take my test, finally. And I'm scared fucking shitless!
I don't know what's wrong with me. I've never had test anxiety before... but this exam just seems so final. The last 3 to 4 years of my natural life are riding on this exam. All I can keep telling myself is "don't fuck it up". I lack the confidence in myself to make myself believe that I can pass. I just keep thinking about the consequences of if I fail. I seriously don't know what I would do if I failed this test... I'd just die. I'd feel as if I just took $12,000.00, doused it with gasoline and flicked a match at it. *POOF!* Bye-bye money... So Long Education... Farewell Career!!
I know I shouldn't think like that, but Jesus Christ!!(Sorry, it's out of character to say such a thing, but this is how serious this is!!!) I've never felt this way before. I've always done well in school. I graduated with honors, even with this stupid private school. For fuck's sake I had a 3.8 GPA... But I have convinced myself that I'm going to fail!! What is wrong with me?!?!
I don't know what my deal is... I've never been this scare in my life. Maybe my mentality with it all is that this is the last step I take before finally becoming a "grown up." Once I complete this I will have a career; I will have made myself into something. No more low- wage jobs, no more worrying about if my next pay check will cover my expenses. I don't know... I'm over-analyzing this.
I NEED TO GO FUCKING STUDY!!!