Closed Doors and Open Windows (6/9 - Part 1)
Title: THE SCALES FROM THE EYES
Author: The Fifth Musketeer
Email: TheFifthMusketeer@hotmail.com
Pairing: B/E, B/C
Rating: R/Light NC-17 (language, sexual situations)
Fandom: Everwood
Disclaimer: No, they're not mine. Sue me - I dare you.
Spoilers: We've wandered into full-on AU here kids. While the plots of the rest of this series will be based around episode events - I'm playing fast and loose with the timeline and the actual plot points. So spoilers, while present, are nominal.
Notes: Continuation of the series. As with all in the series so far - un-betad, so forgive me in advance.
Feedback: Yes, please.
EPHRAM
Have you ever had a real moment of clarity? One second where the world shifts and suddenly you see everything differently?
It's like you've lived your entire existence inside a beautiful house without windows. You don't feel trapped because it's all you've ever known. You don't miss fresh air because you've never actually felt it filling your lungs.
And you're happy. Really. You have everything you could need. You're comfortable. It's never too hot or too cold. And you're safe. Safe and protected.
So you go along your merry little way, proof that ignorance is indeed bliss.
Until the day someone comes into your little world, takes you by the hand, and leads you outside.
It's bright - and the sun beats down on your face. The cool air makes your chest tingle as you breathe it in.
Snow-capped mountains. Skies that seem to go on forever. Colors and textures that man is still far to crude to copy accurately.
And in an instant, you are assaulted with the realization that all you know - everything you hold as truth - is a pale imitation of the real thing.
It's wonderful - and terrifying.
Part of you wants to hate this person next to you for shattering everything you believe in. But his hand is warm and something in his eyes is promising he'll never let go.
So in one brilliant moment of faith, you squeeze his hand and step out into the world - trading comfortable existence … for real life.
BRIGHT
I'm an idiot.
Since that night in the woods - maybe before - I've known what I wanted … who I wanted.
But I couldn't let go. After the accident, I committed myself to the memory of something that I knew was gone, but it was easier than opening myself up again and taking a chance.
And then someone wandered into my life who was worth the risk.
And still I hesitated.
Have I mentioned I'm an idiot?
The truth is, I still miss Colin. I still remember the stomach flutters in our first little touches. I still feel his arms and his heartbeat and his breath on my face. If things were different … well, I don't know where I'd be … maybe exactly where I am - you never know. But back then, everything was right, and the future seemed … promising.
And in an instant it was taken away … and so was I. In a single moment, I lost Colin - and I lost myself.
I buried my real feelings in favor of a façade of someone nothing could touch. My world closed in around me. It was like Colin survived, but part of me had died; and I really believed that nothing could bring me back except some memory that was locked inside of Colin's mind.
And I believed that until I woke up one day and realized that I wasn't alone anymore. I believed that until I was brave enough to reach for new arms - listen for a new heartbeat - feel breath on my face that was so much more than a memory.
When I kissed him, it was like I came alive again - as if he was breathing life back into me.
And as I drown in those blue-green eyes, I found something amazing … something I thought was gone forever.
I found myself.
---
As I swim up toward consciousness, I feel him next to me. Warmth radiates out of him and fills my entire body.
I love sleeping with Ephram.
Not “sleeping” with Ephram. Just … sleeping. Who would have thought that one of my favorite things in the world would be taking naps with that weird kid from New York?
Colin and I never did this. He was always too afraid we'd get caught. But Ephram isn't afraid. He's discreet - sure - but he wants to be with me and he doesn't let fear get in the way.
And nothing is sexier than that.
Which brings up the obvious. I would love to do more than just sleep with him. After that first kiss, I've been taking every opportunity to get my lips on his. Now if I could just get my lips elsewhere.
But I know he's new at this. I won't rush him. This isn't just about getting off. I … care about him. A lot. Whenever he's ready, I'll be there waiting.
I have a feeling the wait is almost over, anyway.
Earlier we were in the middle of one of our marathon make-out sessions. We were rolling around on his bed; my hands were up under his shirt, when he suddenly pulled away from me. He had this look in his eye that I couldn't identify. He got this smile on his face and slowly lowered himself back down on top of me and ground us together. Feeling his dick running against mine almost blew my head off. It was all I could do not to come in my pants - definitely not how I want to come the first time with Ephram.
And he knew it. The little fucker started to mess with me. His fingers brushed over my nipples. He kissed me in that spot just behind my ear that makes me whimper. He let is hands slip into my waistband as he was touching the small of my back. And yet, he acted so innocent - like he wasn't trying to make me lose control. He was a complete prick-tease.
And I loved every minute of it. Who knew he had it in him?
He's starting to wake up. I can tell because he always snuggles closer. I look down at him. He's … beautiful.
Ephram's face is amazing. To look at him now - when he's sleeping - is to see this gentle, innocent kid who has nothing to hide and nothing to be afraid of. But then there is the other Ephram - the guarded one who is strong enough to take on his own problems, and offer to share the load of the people he cares about.
The innocence of his heart and the strength of his character.
Yes, I am capable of totally unexpected moments of poetic sentiment. Sue me.
He's making little noises. I can't resist - I lean down and brush my lips against his. He takes a deep breath and I see his eyes open.
He smiles at me.
“Enjoying yourself?”
I giggle into his mouth. “Completely.”
He reaches his mouth up to meet mine. His tongue slides against mine - and here we are again: locked together.
Moments later we break apart, breath ragged. He's staring at me again. I love that look. His hands slide down between us and he cups me in the palm on his hand - squeezes me just a little. I gasp.
He laughs at me. “I love the feel of you.” His other hand joins the first as he starts to undo my pants. I feel his palm sliding against me. I try to stay calm, but I'm so hard I can barely remember to breathe.
Just as his hand dips into my boxers, the door downstairs slams. I instinctively pull away, but he pulls me back down to him.
He chuckles. “Where do you think you're going?” He squeezes me again.
Okay, Bright, focus. “Somewhere were our first time won't be interrupted by your dad asking us if we want tuna fish sandwiches for lunch.”
He looks up at me - those eyes again. “I want you.” I know he means it.
And I'm jelly. I bend my head down and kiss him again. It's my turn to smile. “You'll have me - just not with your dad twenty feet away.”
Ephram sighs. “Fine.”
He's pouting a little, which of course I find adorable. “I'd better get home. My parents are starting to wonder where I'm spending all my time.”
Ephram grouses at me. “You're just going to leave me all alone with my psychotic father. Some boyfriend you are.”
Suddenly, his face goes white and he turns his head away from me.
“Ephram?”
He mumbles, “I'm sorry.”
Oh, I know what it is. With everything we've been doing together, we've never really labeled what we are.
I can fix it.
“Ephram, look at me.” He turns his head and I see doubt in his eyes - it almost kills me. “I just don't want my boyfriend to have to explain to his dad what exactly we've been doing every time he leaves us alone in the house.”
A slight smile quirks at the corners of his mouth. The doubt slips from his eyes and I feel my chest get lighter.
I give him one more quick kiss and stand up. “I'll see you tomorrow, okay?”
“Edna's birthday party.”
I grimace. “Yeah, totally excited about that.”
Ephram chuckles. “She's really not so bad.”
“You're not related to her.”
He smiles. “Go.”
I give him a grin and leave his room. As I make my way down the stairs, Dr. Brown meets me half way. “Bright. You and Ephram studying?”
I smile at him. “We're done for today.”
“I was just on my way up to see if you guys wanted lunch. I'm making tuna fish.”
I bite my tongue to keep from cracking up. “Thanks, Dr. Brown, but I need to get home.”
He gives me this look of mock shock. “I've never known you to turn down food Bright.”
I laugh. “I guess there's a first time for everything. I'll see you tomorrow night.”
“Right. The big soirée. Is Edna excited?”
I grin. “You'd better tell Delia and her grandma to keep their heads down.”
We laugh. I wave to him and head out the front door.
---
I head down to the steps and around the side of the house to where my truck is parked. My mind is on Ephram and I don't see the person standing there until I've almost plowed them over.
It's Colin.
He's leaning against the driver's side door and gives me a little smile. I wonder how he knew I was here.
I try to act casual. “Hey, Dude. What's going on?”
He looks unsure. I wait for him to speak.
He finally lets out a breath, like he's gearing up. “I need to talk to you.”
I'm still not completely comfortable around him. I will my shoulders to relax. “Okay. What's up?”
He looks around. “Dude, not here.”
Whatever's on his mind, he's pretty nervous. “Okay. You want to go back to my house?”
I see his neck muscles twitch. “No.”
“So where do you want to go?”
He is debating something - I have no idea what. “It's so fucking cold. Let's just - can we just get in the truck?”
I nod and motion for him to get in. After we've settled in the cab, we sit in silence for a minute. Whatever he wants to talk about, I'll let him get it out on his own.
He's not looking at me when he begins to speak. “I've been thinking a lot lately. About when we were kids. You remember when we first met?”
I smile a little. “Sure. Miss Violet's class. My second time through.”
He chuckles a little. “Yeah.” He takes a deep breath. “You've been my best friend ever since. But I've been thinking about …” He pauses mid-sentence.
Something in his tone makes my stomach lurch.
He turns to me. “Fuck. Bright … you and I - we were …”
This can't be what I think it is. My heart's beating a mile a minute. Not now. This can't happen now. I want to run away, but something makes me sit still and wait for him to continue.
“We were … more - weren't we?”
I feel like I going to throw up. “What do you mean?”
He slides a little closer to me and I feel myself sliding away, getting pressed up against the door.
He really looks me in the eyes for the first time since he started the conversation. “We were more than friends.”
I know he's waiting for me to respond, but I can't seem to get past the king-sized lump that has taken up residence in my throat.
He realizes I'm not going to answer him. “I've been remembering stuff. You and me - together. That's what we were, isn't it?”
I finally find my voice, but all I can seem to get out is a ragged “yeah.”
He reaches up and touches my face. I want to pull away, but there's nowhere for me to go.
He rests his hand on my leg. “I knew something was there. The way you look at me sometimes. You still feel that way?”
This isn't happening. I've moved on. I don't want to deal with this now. But he's waiting for an answer. “Colin …”
The look in his eyes shifts. “I know you do.”
This new look is different. I don't know what to make of it. There's almost a little edge to his tone. “You don't forget something like that.”
But maybe I'm imagining it, because it's gone the next minute. “I want that back Bright. I want what we had before.”
And my mind asks a question that I voice before I realize it's coming out of my mouth. “Why now?”
He looks a little shocked. “I … didn't remember.”
I want to believe him, but something in my mind is telling me that there is more to this than he's letting on.
He continues. “You still love me. I know you do.”
No matter what else is in my life - what I feel for Ephram - that doesn't negate the truth of that statement. “Yeah. But …”
“But nothing. You love me - and I … I love you.”
And my stomach knots up. Not because of the sentiment, but because he never …
This doesn't feel completely right. But I look into his eyes and I want it to be for a moment. He smiles and I see his face coming closer to mine. For one instant I lean, too. And then, out of nowhere, I see that look that Ephram gave me in his room earlier - like he was afraid I didn't want him - and I pull back slamming my head against the window.
Colin laughs a little. The hand on my leg inches up my thigh. My breath is caught in my throat. My mind finally engages just before he gets to my crotch, and I pull myself away and out of his grasp.
There's this flash of defiance in Colin's eyes. “What's wrong?”
I don't want to hurt him. I do still love him. But there's more to consider here. I sigh. “I'm sorry … I just need a little time to process.”
His voice tells me he's frustrated. “Process what? We used to do this all the time.”
“Yeah, we did. But you've been gone for a long time Colin.” I can hear the edge in my voice. “Pardon me if I can't shift gears on the fly like this.”
I hate the fact that I'm shouting at him, but there's this little piece of me that feels like he's backing me into a corner on purpose.
He looks almost irritated for a second. But the look fades away. “Okay. Just promise me you'll think about it, okay? Think about what you really want. I can be patient.”
He smiles a little and leans in before I can stop him and gives me a small kiss. My heart flutters a little - making me want to rip it out.
I can barely breathe.
With that, he turns and gets out of the truck. I feel my body go lax and tears sting my eyes, threatening to fall.
No.
God damn it.
I hate this. I hate life. I hate the world for taking Colin away from me, then bringing him back just as I find someone who means more to me then I ever thought someone could.
I hate the world for making me choose.
Who to love.
Who to hurt.
It's not fucking fair.
COLIN
Game's over.
Just a few more little tweaks and Bright will come running.
It was easy. I knew the “I love you” would get him.
Of course, Bright's a nice guy. He's not ready to cut and run on Ephram yet - but it won't be long before Brown's history.
So I'm playing a little dirty. As long as I win, I could give a shit.
As I exit the truck, I see him out of the corner of my eye. I knew he was watching us.
That's right. Go back inside. You're not needed anymore.
You should have known better. This is my town and that's my Bright.
I smile a little as I walk past him - don't acknowledge that he's even there, looking like someone just cut his heart out.
Tough.
Colin wins - Brown loses.
And all is right with the world.
~~~
Bright drove around for a while after he left Ephram's. His mind was reeling. He had no idea what he was doing. On the one hand, Colin was back. It was what he'd been hoping for since the accident.
But there was something about it that didn't feel right. He reasoned that maybe he was just looking for an excuse to make the decision he was facing easier.
But it wasn't getting easier. He couldn't deny that he still loved Colin. It would be so easy to go back there - to what they were before. Part of him craved the simplicity of the relationship they had shared.
But nothing was simple. Ephram wasn't just something he could toss away. He mattered - maybe more than even Bright realized until he was faced with the possibility of having to give him up.
Neither option in front of him was appealing - but he knew that he had to make a choice. He owed it to Colin - he owed it to Ephram.
He owed it to himself.
As he finally pulled into his driveway, he was no surer of his next move than when he had started. He got out of the truck and headed for the front door.
And his heart was suddenly in his throat.
Ephram was sitting on the porch swing. His eyes were on Bright's every move as he made his way toward him.
And then he saw it. The look. Hurt.
Hurt that Bright had caused. He didn't know how, but Ephram knew.
He held something out to Bright. His voice quivered a little as he spoke. “You left your jacket.”
Bright saw the pain in Ephram's eyes and fought back the tears that were rapidly threatening to spill from his own. He gasped for a breath that didn't want to come. “I'm … sorry.”
Ephram gave him a little smile. “It's okay.”
Bright's mind rebelled against that thought. “No. It's not.”
Ephram looked into Bright's eyes. “I always knew how you felt.”
Bright hated himself for it, but he had to be honest. “I'm not sure … I just need time to think a little.”
Ephram let out a ragged breath. “Sure. I understand. It's what you've always wanted. We were just …”
Bright felt desperation grip him. “No. Don't think that. It's not true. Yeah, I wanted Colin to remember - but don't ever think that you were some kind of stand-in. I care about you. I lo…”
“Don't.” Ephram's voice was frantic. “Please don't say that. You can't say that and then pick him.”
Bright moved closer to him - damn whoever saw them together. “I haven't picked him.” His hand reached up and gently stroked Ephram's face - brushing a tear out of his eye.
Ephram drew in a sharp breath and pulled away. Tears streamed down his cheeks and he quickly wiped them away. “I have to go.”
“Ephram …”
“No. I'm sorry. I can't do this.” And with that he turned and fled.
Bright sat on the swing and watched him hurry away.
And finally he let go of the control he had been fighting for. He gasped, trying to choke back the sob that rushed out of him.
And he wished, for what must have been the fiftieth time that day, that he would wake up from this dream - wrapped around Ephram - and never leave his bedroom again.
Part 2
Author: The Fifth Musketeer
Email: TheFifthMusketeer@hotmail.com
Pairing: B/E, B/C
Rating: R/Light NC-17 (language, sexual situations)
Fandom: Everwood
Disclaimer: No, they're not mine. Sue me - I dare you.
Spoilers: We've wandered into full-on AU here kids. While the plots of the rest of this series will be based around episode events - I'm playing fast and loose with the timeline and the actual plot points. So spoilers, while present, are nominal.
Notes: Continuation of the series. As with all in the series so far - un-betad, so forgive me in advance.
Feedback: Yes, please.
EPHRAM
Have you ever had a real moment of clarity? One second where the world shifts and suddenly you see everything differently?
It's like you've lived your entire existence inside a beautiful house without windows. You don't feel trapped because it's all you've ever known. You don't miss fresh air because you've never actually felt it filling your lungs.
And you're happy. Really. You have everything you could need. You're comfortable. It's never too hot or too cold. And you're safe. Safe and protected.
So you go along your merry little way, proof that ignorance is indeed bliss.
Until the day someone comes into your little world, takes you by the hand, and leads you outside.
It's bright - and the sun beats down on your face. The cool air makes your chest tingle as you breathe it in.
Snow-capped mountains. Skies that seem to go on forever. Colors and textures that man is still far to crude to copy accurately.
And in an instant, you are assaulted with the realization that all you know - everything you hold as truth - is a pale imitation of the real thing.
It's wonderful - and terrifying.
Part of you wants to hate this person next to you for shattering everything you believe in. But his hand is warm and something in his eyes is promising he'll never let go.
So in one brilliant moment of faith, you squeeze his hand and step out into the world - trading comfortable existence … for real life.
BRIGHT
I'm an idiot.
Since that night in the woods - maybe before - I've known what I wanted … who I wanted.
But I couldn't let go. After the accident, I committed myself to the memory of something that I knew was gone, but it was easier than opening myself up again and taking a chance.
And then someone wandered into my life who was worth the risk.
And still I hesitated.
Have I mentioned I'm an idiot?
The truth is, I still miss Colin. I still remember the stomach flutters in our first little touches. I still feel his arms and his heartbeat and his breath on my face. If things were different … well, I don't know where I'd be … maybe exactly where I am - you never know. But back then, everything was right, and the future seemed … promising.
And in an instant it was taken away … and so was I. In a single moment, I lost Colin - and I lost myself.
I buried my real feelings in favor of a façade of someone nothing could touch. My world closed in around me. It was like Colin survived, but part of me had died; and I really believed that nothing could bring me back except some memory that was locked inside of Colin's mind.
And I believed that until I woke up one day and realized that I wasn't alone anymore. I believed that until I was brave enough to reach for new arms - listen for a new heartbeat - feel breath on my face that was so much more than a memory.
When I kissed him, it was like I came alive again - as if he was breathing life back into me.
And as I drown in those blue-green eyes, I found something amazing … something I thought was gone forever.
I found myself.
---
As I swim up toward consciousness, I feel him next to me. Warmth radiates out of him and fills my entire body.
I love sleeping with Ephram.
Not “sleeping” with Ephram. Just … sleeping. Who would have thought that one of my favorite things in the world would be taking naps with that weird kid from New York?
Colin and I never did this. He was always too afraid we'd get caught. But Ephram isn't afraid. He's discreet - sure - but he wants to be with me and he doesn't let fear get in the way.
And nothing is sexier than that.
Which brings up the obvious. I would love to do more than just sleep with him. After that first kiss, I've been taking every opportunity to get my lips on his. Now if I could just get my lips elsewhere.
But I know he's new at this. I won't rush him. This isn't just about getting off. I … care about him. A lot. Whenever he's ready, I'll be there waiting.
I have a feeling the wait is almost over, anyway.
Earlier we were in the middle of one of our marathon make-out sessions. We were rolling around on his bed; my hands were up under his shirt, when he suddenly pulled away from me. He had this look in his eye that I couldn't identify. He got this smile on his face and slowly lowered himself back down on top of me and ground us together. Feeling his dick running against mine almost blew my head off. It was all I could do not to come in my pants - definitely not how I want to come the first time with Ephram.
And he knew it. The little fucker started to mess with me. His fingers brushed over my nipples. He kissed me in that spot just behind my ear that makes me whimper. He let is hands slip into my waistband as he was touching the small of my back. And yet, he acted so innocent - like he wasn't trying to make me lose control. He was a complete prick-tease.
And I loved every minute of it. Who knew he had it in him?
He's starting to wake up. I can tell because he always snuggles closer. I look down at him. He's … beautiful.
Ephram's face is amazing. To look at him now - when he's sleeping - is to see this gentle, innocent kid who has nothing to hide and nothing to be afraid of. But then there is the other Ephram - the guarded one who is strong enough to take on his own problems, and offer to share the load of the people he cares about.
The innocence of his heart and the strength of his character.
Yes, I am capable of totally unexpected moments of poetic sentiment. Sue me.
He's making little noises. I can't resist - I lean down and brush my lips against his. He takes a deep breath and I see his eyes open.
He smiles at me.
“Enjoying yourself?”
I giggle into his mouth. “Completely.”
He reaches his mouth up to meet mine. His tongue slides against mine - and here we are again: locked together.
Moments later we break apart, breath ragged. He's staring at me again. I love that look. His hands slide down between us and he cups me in the palm on his hand - squeezes me just a little. I gasp.
He laughs at me. “I love the feel of you.” His other hand joins the first as he starts to undo my pants. I feel his palm sliding against me. I try to stay calm, but I'm so hard I can barely remember to breathe.
Just as his hand dips into my boxers, the door downstairs slams. I instinctively pull away, but he pulls me back down to him.
He chuckles. “Where do you think you're going?” He squeezes me again.
Okay, Bright, focus. “Somewhere were our first time won't be interrupted by your dad asking us if we want tuna fish sandwiches for lunch.”
He looks up at me - those eyes again. “I want you.” I know he means it.
And I'm jelly. I bend my head down and kiss him again. It's my turn to smile. “You'll have me - just not with your dad twenty feet away.”
Ephram sighs. “Fine.”
He's pouting a little, which of course I find adorable. “I'd better get home. My parents are starting to wonder where I'm spending all my time.”
Ephram grouses at me. “You're just going to leave me all alone with my psychotic father. Some boyfriend you are.”
Suddenly, his face goes white and he turns his head away from me.
“Ephram?”
He mumbles, “I'm sorry.”
Oh, I know what it is. With everything we've been doing together, we've never really labeled what we are.
I can fix it.
“Ephram, look at me.” He turns his head and I see doubt in his eyes - it almost kills me. “I just don't want my boyfriend to have to explain to his dad what exactly we've been doing every time he leaves us alone in the house.”
A slight smile quirks at the corners of his mouth. The doubt slips from his eyes and I feel my chest get lighter.
I give him one more quick kiss and stand up. “I'll see you tomorrow, okay?”
“Edna's birthday party.”
I grimace. “Yeah, totally excited about that.”
Ephram chuckles. “She's really not so bad.”
“You're not related to her.”
He smiles. “Go.”
I give him a grin and leave his room. As I make my way down the stairs, Dr. Brown meets me half way. “Bright. You and Ephram studying?”
I smile at him. “We're done for today.”
“I was just on my way up to see if you guys wanted lunch. I'm making tuna fish.”
I bite my tongue to keep from cracking up. “Thanks, Dr. Brown, but I need to get home.”
He gives me this look of mock shock. “I've never known you to turn down food Bright.”
I laugh. “I guess there's a first time for everything. I'll see you tomorrow night.”
“Right. The big soirée. Is Edna excited?”
I grin. “You'd better tell Delia and her grandma to keep their heads down.”
We laugh. I wave to him and head out the front door.
---
I head down to the steps and around the side of the house to where my truck is parked. My mind is on Ephram and I don't see the person standing there until I've almost plowed them over.
It's Colin.
He's leaning against the driver's side door and gives me a little smile. I wonder how he knew I was here.
I try to act casual. “Hey, Dude. What's going on?”
He looks unsure. I wait for him to speak.
He finally lets out a breath, like he's gearing up. “I need to talk to you.”
I'm still not completely comfortable around him. I will my shoulders to relax. “Okay. What's up?”
He looks around. “Dude, not here.”
Whatever's on his mind, he's pretty nervous. “Okay. You want to go back to my house?”
I see his neck muscles twitch. “No.”
“So where do you want to go?”
He is debating something - I have no idea what. “It's so fucking cold. Let's just - can we just get in the truck?”
I nod and motion for him to get in. After we've settled in the cab, we sit in silence for a minute. Whatever he wants to talk about, I'll let him get it out on his own.
He's not looking at me when he begins to speak. “I've been thinking a lot lately. About when we were kids. You remember when we first met?”
I smile a little. “Sure. Miss Violet's class. My second time through.”
He chuckles a little. “Yeah.” He takes a deep breath. “You've been my best friend ever since. But I've been thinking about …” He pauses mid-sentence.
Something in his tone makes my stomach lurch.
He turns to me. “Fuck. Bright … you and I - we were …”
This can't be what I think it is. My heart's beating a mile a minute. Not now. This can't happen now. I want to run away, but something makes me sit still and wait for him to continue.
“We were … more - weren't we?”
I feel like I going to throw up. “What do you mean?”
He slides a little closer to me and I feel myself sliding away, getting pressed up against the door.
He really looks me in the eyes for the first time since he started the conversation. “We were more than friends.”
I know he's waiting for me to respond, but I can't seem to get past the king-sized lump that has taken up residence in my throat.
He realizes I'm not going to answer him. “I've been remembering stuff. You and me - together. That's what we were, isn't it?”
I finally find my voice, but all I can seem to get out is a ragged “yeah.”
He reaches up and touches my face. I want to pull away, but there's nowhere for me to go.
He rests his hand on my leg. “I knew something was there. The way you look at me sometimes. You still feel that way?”
This isn't happening. I've moved on. I don't want to deal with this now. But he's waiting for an answer. “Colin …”
The look in his eyes shifts. “I know you do.”
This new look is different. I don't know what to make of it. There's almost a little edge to his tone. “You don't forget something like that.”
But maybe I'm imagining it, because it's gone the next minute. “I want that back Bright. I want what we had before.”
And my mind asks a question that I voice before I realize it's coming out of my mouth. “Why now?”
He looks a little shocked. “I … didn't remember.”
I want to believe him, but something in my mind is telling me that there is more to this than he's letting on.
He continues. “You still love me. I know you do.”
No matter what else is in my life - what I feel for Ephram - that doesn't negate the truth of that statement. “Yeah. But …”
“But nothing. You love me - and I … I love you.”
And my stomach knots up. Not because of the sentiment, but because he never …
This doesn't feel completely right. But I look into his eyes and I want it to be for a moment. He smiles and I see his face coming closer to mine. For one instant I lean, too. And then, out of nowhere, I see that look that Ephram gave me in his room earlier - like he was afraid I didn't want him - and I pull back slamming my head against the window.
Colin laughs a little. The hand on my leg inches up my thigh. My breath is caught in my throat. My mind finally engages just before he gets to my crotch, and I pull myself away and out of his grasp.
There's this flash of defiance in Colin's eyes. “What's wrong?”
I don't want to hurt him. I do still love him. But there's more to consider here. I sigh. “I'm sorry … I just need a little time to process.”
His voice tells me he's frustrated. “Process what? We used to do this all the time.”
“Yeah, we did. But you've been gone for a long time Colin.” I can hear the edge in my voice. “Pardon me if I can't shift gears on the fly like this.”
I hate the fact that I'm shouting at him, but there's this little piece of me that feels like he's backing me into a corner on purpose.
He looks almost irritated for a second. But the look fades away. “Okay. Just promise me you'll think about it, okay? Think about what you really want. I can be patient.”
He smiles a little and leans in before I can stop him and gives me a small kiss. My heart flutters a little - making me want to rip it out.
I can barely breathe.
With that, he turns and gets out of the truck. I feel my body go lax and tears sting my eyes, threatening to fall.
No.
God damn it.
I hate this. I hate life. I hate the world for taking Colin away from me, then bringing him back just as I find someone who means more to me then I ever thought someone could.
I hate the world for making me choose.
Who to love.
Who to hurt.
It's not fucking fair.
COLIN
Game's over.
Just a few more little tweaks and Bright will come running.
It was easy. I knew the “I love you” would get him.
Of course, Bright's a nice guy. He's not ready to cut and run on Ephram yet - but it won't be long before Brown's history.
So I'm playing a little dirty. As long as I win, I could give a shit.
As I exit the truck, I see him out of the corner of my eye. I knew he was watching us.
That's right. Go back inside. You're not needed anymore.
You should have known better. This is my town and that's my Bright.
I smile a little as I walk past him - don't acknowledge that he's even there, looking like someone just cut his heart out.
Tough.
Colin wins - Brown loses.
And all is right with the world.
~~~
Bright drove around for a while after he left Ephram's. His mind was reeling. He had no idea what he was doing. On the one hand, Colin was back. It was what he'd been hoping for since the accident.
But there was something about it that didn't feel right. He reasoned that maybe he was just looking for an excuse to make the decision he was facing easier.
But it wasn't getting easier. He couldn't deny that he still loved Colin. It would be so easy to go back there - to what they were before. Part of him craved the simplicity of the relationship they had shared.
But nothing was simple. Ephram wasn't just something he could toss away. He mattered - maybe more than even Bright realized until he was faced with the possibility of having to give him up.
Neither option in front of him was appealing - but he knew that he had to make a choice. He owed it to Colin - he owed it to Ephram.
He owed it to himself.
As he finally pulled into his driveway, he was no surer of his next move than when he had started. He got out of the truck and headed for the front door.
And his heart was suddenly in his throat.
Ephram was sitting on the porch swing. His eyes were on Bright's every move as he made his way toward him.
And then he saw it. The look. Hurt.
Hurt that Bright had caused. He didn't know how, but Ephram knew.
He held something out to Bright. His voice quivered a little as he spoke. “You left your jacket.”
Bright saw the pain in Ephram's eyes and fought back the tears that were rapidly threatening to spill from his own. He gasped for a breath that didn't want to come. “I'm … sorry.”
Ephram gave him a little smile. “It's okay.”
Bright's mind rebelled against that thought. “No. It's not.”
Ephram looked into Bright's eyes. “I always knew how you felt.”
Bright hated himself for it, but he had to be honest. “I'm not sure … I just need time to think a little.”
Ephram let out a ragged breath. “Sure. I understand. It's what you've always wanted. We were just …”
Bright felt desperation grip him. “No. Don't think that. It's not true. Yeah, I wanted Colin to remember - but don't ever think that you were some kind of stand-in. I care about you. I lo…”
“Don't.” Ephram's voice was frantic. “Please don't say that. You can't say that and then pick him.”
Bright moved closer to him - damn whoever saw them together. “I haven't picked him.” His hand reached up and gently stroked Ephram's face - brushing a tear out of his eye.
Ephram drew in a sharp breath and pulled away. Tears streamed down his cheeks and he quickly wiped them away. “I have to go.”
“Ephram …”
“No. I'm sorry. I can't do this.” And with that he turned and fled.
Bright sat on the swing and watched him hurry away.
And finally he let go of the control he had been fighting for. He gasped, trying to choke back the sob that rushed out of him.
And he wished, for what must have been the fiftieth time that day, that he would wake up from this dream - wrapped around Ephram - and never leave his bedroom again.
Part 2