(no subject)
there were times when i was a little kid, fucking up in school or not doing my homework or disappointing my mom in some way and i'd go to sleep without any covers on in the winter to discipline myself. a cold shivering body in the night in just whitie tighties and a worn out once white under shirt. i kept my door open to hear my parents watching some tv show. somehow the noise was calming. the light flickering on and off somehow hyponotizing as i crept into slumber.
and here i am. a whole 23 year old body. somehow lost the white under shirt due to the 99 degree weather of this damp and insect ridden super 8 hotel room in bumblefuck, nebraska. what am i doing. i always knew i was a maschist but really, lucian charles restivo? is this what you want out of life? yes, it's week 2 of a very long year but the overwhelming ability has come over me that i feel like im just wasting time. im playing dad while my son is fucking up my life. i didnt sign on to be a parent and take care of someone. blah blah blah
thank god i have a high tolerance for this shit. but this overwhelming fear is still intact. fear that im gonna change completely to an unrecognizable blob that no one will care about. and i guess thats fine. ill get over you. ill move on to a wonderful career where i could run away and not be noticed by anyone. i want to run away. start over. start fresh. i fucked up too many times to keep going.
the worst part about it is that it's dumb and selfish to throw everything away and completely unrealistic. i had an impulse to throw my cell phone out the window while driving down the high way. i wanted to completely destroy everything and burn my clothes to only go out in a cloud of smoke. walk away from ashes to become a pheonix.
what the fuck am i even writing. i also gave up on spell check. im too whiny to care.
i wanted to be just friends. obviously that was a lie. i literally yearn to talk to you. even about nothing but just to talk. i dont know what that means nor do i even want to know what that means. it literally would just exacerbate the problem. my heart gushes as i replay the one moment in my mind that stopped me in my tracks: you grabbed my hand. i didnt push it towards you. you grabbed it. you fucking asshole. but i dont fault you in the least, you followed an impulse and i was just at the mercy of that. i should have known better. from day one i knew it wouldnt work but yet here i am, in a probably hpv ridden bed with a cover probably made out of headliner thinking about you. constantly. no joke. our friendship is solid. i enjoy the best of times with you. but i literally cant anymore. whoops.
i cant hide anymore. i gave up like three weeks. also, benj pasek is my hero and my one true love. please sing me to sleep. also also, if you ever want to win my heart, sing me a song. i literally would swoon.
i just dont know. and thats completely frightening.
and here i am. a whole 23 year old body. somehow lost the white under shirt due to the 99 degree weather of this damp and insect ridden super 8 hotel room in bumblefuck, nebraska. what am i doing. i always knew i was a maschist but really, lucian charles restivo? is this what you want out of life? yes, it's week 2 of a very long year but the overwhelming ability has come over me that i feel like im just wasting time. im playing dad while my son is fucking up my life. i didnt sign on to be a parent and take care of someone. blah blah blah
thank god i have a high tolerance for this shit. but this overwhelming fear is still intact. fear that im gonna change completely to an unrecognizable blob that no one will care about. and i guess thats fine. ill get over you. ill move on to a wonderful career where i could run away and not be noticed by anyone. i want to run away. start over. start fresh. i fucked up too many times to keep going.
the worst part about it is that it's dumb and selfish to throw everything away and completely unrealistic. i had an impulse to throw my cell phone out the window while driving down the high way. i wanted to completely destroy everything and burn my clothes to only go out in a cloud of smoke. walk away from ashes to become a pheonix.
what the fuck am i even writing. i also gave up on spell check. im too whiny to care.
i wanted to be just friends. obviously that was a lie. i literally yearn to talk to you. even about nothing but just to talk. i dont know what that means nor do i even want to know what that means. it literally would just exacerbate the problem. my heart gushes as i replay the one moment in my mind that stopped me in my tracks: you grabbed my hand. i didnt push it towards you. you grabbed it. you fucking asshole. but i dont fault you in the least, you followed an impulse and i was just at the mercy of that. i should have known better. from day one i knew it wouldnt work but yet here i am, in a probably hpv ridden bed with a cover probably made out of headliner thinking about you. constantly. no joke. our friendship is solid. i enjoy the best of times with you. but i literally cant anymore. whoops.
i cant hide anymore. i gave up like three weeks. also, benj pasek is my hero and my one true love. please sing me to sleep. also also, if you ever want to win my heart, sing me a song. i literally would swoon.
i just dont know. and thats completely frightening.