not to beat a dead horse... but;
Clarification about Jilly and I.
Okay, I really have to get something out. I’ve been over Jilly for a while now, the day she dumped me, I was going to dump her, she was literally only 3 seconds ahead of me, it isn’t the fact that we are not together that has been killing me, it’s a few other things that have been fucking me over.
1) The fact that when Jilly and I got back together, I told her that if she wasn’t ‘feeling it’ she should tell me, and I would of tried to help her, and she didn’t do that at all.
2) One name: Tymen. This is a bow that basically been stocking Jilly since the homecoming dance, or whatever it was. He watched us French at the dane more then once. He’s creepy, he’s slimy and in all reality, I don’t think he gives a shit about her at all. First of all, the first time she dumped me, he asked her out, and (I think) she said no, so the next day, he’s with someone else. Also, though some of the things he’s sain, I can’t belive he cares about anyone. Dose it seem like he cares for her? To me, that’s called being desperate. Also, for the last one and an half months, I had to put up with random people I know (And people i dont even fucking know) coming up to me and asking me about her and him, and I just passed it off and took the pain, mainly because I didn’t believe it. It fucking hurt every time some one did that, and I should of listened. I was basically being used by her, and just went with it, hoping to fix things. And I probaly will still have to put up with people asking me, and I really really really really really dont want that.
3) The day we broke up, she AIMed me saying how much she still wanted to be finds, and that someday, if we got to know each other, she might try again. Then I told her that I could predict what she was going to do next, and told her that if it happened that way, I’d be unable to even look at her again, I was %100 right, she is with Tymen, and as of now, I hate her guts for all she did.
So, yes, that was very much a parasitic relationship, and yes, I’m glad it’s over, and no, I’d never touch a relationship like that with a 10-foot pole. Sometimes, I have to trust my instincts, because 3 months ago, I knew this would happen. But I gave her the benefit of the doubt, and I got fucked over because of it.
I really wish that I could just shrug it off and get on with my life, but it’s been driving me crazy, I guess Fred Durst puts it best when he says, “Would think that I would be moving on but I’m a sucker like I said fucked up in the head” I would love to, but something still fits badly in me… I guess I just want her to know my complaints, and I want her to learn form this, so she doesn’t do it again. But I know she won’t. Right now I hate her unbelievably badly, like This;
I spent most of last night dragging this lake
for the corpses of all my past mistakes
sell me out- the jokes on you
we are salt- you are the wound
empty another bottle
and let me tear you to pieces
this is me wishing you
into the worst situations
i'm the kind of kid
that can't let anything go
but you wouldn't know a good thing
if it came up and slit your throat
your remorse hasn't fallen on deaf ears
rather ones that just don't care
because i know
that you're in between arms somewhere
next to heartbeats
where you shouldn't dare sleep
I'll teach you a lesson
for keeping secrets from me
every line is plotted and designed
to leave you standing
on your bedroom window's ledge
and everyone else that it hits
that it gets to
is nothing more than collateral damage.
, and I know I have no right, I should have empathy for her and just feel bad for her because she’s so ignorant to all this. However, I’m still not so un-American to be able to forgive and forget, and right now, I see that as my greatest flaw. It certainly is the greatest flaw of the world I’m submerged in.
So as of now, my moods lately have been: Angry and nihilistic; Depressed and nihilistic; and joyful and happy (of the final realization that I have friends that care, this is the silver lining of this story)
I wish this was the end of this chapter of my life, but I have a few things I need to do… I honestly think before I can turn the page, I have to sit down and talk this out with Jilly, I just hope she’s willing. But when the page finely turns, I believe I have a better chapter coming up (I guess I’m an eternal optimist, which is why I complain so much when real life hits me in the face)
(PS: I like this analogy comparing life to a chapter book. It’s very true for the most part, if you look back at your life, you could separate the chapters, and although it can be annoying sometimes, I think I’m going to se LJ as a way to recode the chapters, and to keep notes about parts of me I want to change.)
*Whoooo* that was long, wasn’t it? Sorry about that, it did help me get my feelings in order, so I don’t confuse myself later. ><
Okay, one last thing: You know all that stuff I said about shooting me if I ever try to date again? Forget that. As much as relationships can easily turn bad, it’s also true that they can become the best thing in life. It’s time for a new page; maybe this one doesn’t need a girl, maybe it will, but it will be a new page, and i know some of the charaters that will be it, and cant wait to meet the new charaters.
Okay, I really have to get something out. I’ve been over Jilly for a while now, the day she dumped me, I was going to dump her, she was literally only 3 seconds ahead of me, it isn’t the fact that we are not together that has been killing me, it’s a few other things that have been fucking me over.
1) The fact that when Jilly and I got back together, I told her that if she wasn’t ‘feeling it’ she should tell me, and I would of tried to help her, and she didn’t do that at all.
2) One name: Tymen. This is a bow that basically been stocking Jilly since the homecoming dance, or whatever it was. He watched us French at the dane more then once. He’s creepy, he’s slimy and in all reality, I don’t think he gives a shit about her at all. First of all, the first time she dumped me, he asked her out, and (I think) she said no, so the next day, he’s with someone else. Also, though some of the things he’s sain, I can’t belive he cares about anyone. Dose it seem like he cares for her? To me, that’s called being desperate. Also, for the last one and an half months, I had to put up with random people I know (And people i dont even fucking know) coming up to me and asking me about her and him, and I just passed it off and took the pain, mainly because I didn’t believe it. It fucking hurt every time some one did that, and I should of listened. I was basically being used by her, and just went with it, hoping to fix things. And I probaly will still have to put up with people asking me, and I really really really really really dont want that.
3) The day we broke up, she AIMed me saying how much she still wanted to be finds, and that someday, if we got to know each other, she might try again. Then I told her that I could predict what she was going to do next, and told her that if it happened that way, I’d be unable to even look at her again, I was %100 right, she is with Tymen, and as of now, I hate her guts for all she did.
So, yes, that was very much a parasitic relationship, and yes, I’m glad it’s over, and no, I’d never touch a relationship like that with a 10-foot pole. Sometimes, I have to trust my instincts, because 3 months ago, I knew this would happen. But I gave her the benefit of the doubt, and I got fucked over because of it.
I really wish that I could just shrug it off and get on with my life, but it’s been driving me crazy, I guess Fred Durst puts it best when he says, “Would think that I would be moving on but I’m a sucker like I said fucked up in the head” I would love to, but something still fits badly in me… I guess I just want her to know my complaints, and I want her to learn form this, so she doesn’t do it again. But I know she won’t. Right now I hate her unbelievably badly, like This;
I spent most of last night dragging this lake
for the corpses of all my past mistakes
sell me out- the jokes on you
we are salt- you are the wound
empty another bottle
and let me tear you to pieces
this is me wishing you
into the worst situations
i'm the kind of kid
that can't let anything go
but you wouldn't know a good thing
if it came up and slit your throat
your remorse hasn't fallen on deaf ears
rather ones that just don't care
because i know
that you're in between arms somewhere
next to heartbeats
where you shouldn't dare sleep
I'll teach you a lesson
for keeping secrets from me
every line is plotted and designed
to leave you standing
on your bedroom window's ledge
and everyone else that it hits
that it gets to
is nothing more than collateral damage.
, and I know I have no right, I should have empathy for her and just feel bad for her because she’s so ignorant to all this. However, I’m still not so un-American to be able to forgive and forget, and right now, I see that as my greatest flaw. It certainly is the greatest flaw of the world I’m submerged in.
So as of now, my moods lately have been: Angry and nihilistic; Depressed and nihilistic; and joyful and happy (of the final realization that I have friends that care, this is the silver lining of this story)
I wish this was the end of this chapter of my life, but I have a few things I need to do… I honestly think before I can turn the page, I have to sit down and talk this out with Jilly, I just hope she’s willing. But when the page finely turns, I believe I have a better chapter coming up (I guess I’m an eternal optimist, which is why I complain so much when real life hits me in the face)
(PS: I like this analogy comparing life to a chapter book. It’s very true for the most part, if you look back at your life, you could separate the chapters, and although it can be annoying sometimes, I think I’m going to se LJ as a way to recode the chapters, and to keep notes about parts of me I want to change.)
*Whoooo* that was long, wasn’t it? Sorry about that, it did help me get my feelings in order, so I don’t confuse myself later. ><
Okay, one last thing: You know all that stuff I said about shooting me if I ever try to date again? Forget that. As much as relationships can easily turn bad, it’s also true that they can become the best thing in life. It’s time for a new page; maybe this one doesn’t need a girl, maybe it will, but it will be a new page, and i know some of the charaters that will be it, and cant wait to meet the new charaters.