$98.39
I used to hate when I felt like this. It scared me. Now I live for it and I'm afraid of it leaving. Did I just eat too much sugar today? (In general, probably.) Was it sparked by a silly no-name movie? Yes.
In my fear and in my anxiety, in my desperation, I feel alive. I feel more alive in these moments than I do at any other time, and it's great because at all the other times, I don't feel...un alive...I just don't feel like this. It's not motivation, It's not regret, though today I realised for the first time that I do have regrets and I hate that. Maybe it was that realization that sparked it. That I have regrets and the knowledge that I hate that and I never want to feel that again.
I want an adventure. That is what my passion is. What kind of question is that to ask someone you don't even know? What are you passionate about? The truth is that I'm not passionate about anything, I just WANT to be. I want to be passionate about making the world a better place but I don't do anything to accomplish this so...is that really a passion of mine? Hell, I haven't even donated a cent to the Hatian relief efforts. What kind of crap is that? I think what I want is an adventure. I want those adventures people have in the movies when they fall in love and are irrational. Would it be enough for my love story to change my world? Is that a big enough impact? I think it should be. Why do I have to stay in school for this? (This is not my "I'm dropping out to have an adventure" update.) I'm staying in school for the next year because it is the right thing to do and I do enjoy learning and I like the school environment, I just need to be better at it.. My problem is that I don't feel entitled. I don't feel like it's my place or that I have the right to whatever I want, but I do. If I want to go to Ghana I fucking can! If I want to stay at Maryland, I can. If I want to drop out and become a roadie for Steel Train and become Evan's new best friend and love of his life, I can! These don't have to just be dreams. I've been so afraid of being without that I keep myself trapped in it. It's like, I put myself in a place where I don't have everything I want and can't have everything I want, just so that I can have control over having what I want. How dumb is that? This is why I love this feeling. This feeling that it's all going to end any second, that the other shoe will drop and the floor with fall from under my feet and every other devisdating thing that happens will happen. Because it makes me feel like I can do anything. And now I am terrified to go to sleep tonight because I feel like it will go away. And if it hadn't freaking snowed tonight I would go up to Baltimore and get my tattoo right fucking now, but it snowed and I am not completely illogical yet, I know better than to go off driving in the snow at night just because I'm crawling out of my skin. And I purposefully put on sad music so that I would stay in this funk. This is the tortured artist in me, and hell yes, if I want to draw, I fucking can, Dammit! This is the part of me that I think someone is going to fall in love with one day. This insane part of me that I have grown to love after years of hating.
Basically, I'm up for anything. So shoot.
In my fear and in my anxiety, in my desperation, I feel alive. I feel more alive in these moments than I do at any other time, and it's great because at all the other times, I don't feel...un alive...I just don't feel like this. It's not motivation, It's not regret, though today I realised for the first time that I do have regrets and I hate that. Maybe it was that realization that sparked it. That I have regrets and the knowledge that I hate that and I never want to feel that again.
I want an adventure. That is what my passion is. What kind of question is that to ask someone you don't even know? What are you passionate about? The truth is that I'm not passionate about anything, I just WANT to be. I want to be passionate about making the world a better place but I don't do anything to accomplish this so...is that really a passion of mine? Hell, I haven't even donated a cent to the Hatian relief efforts. What kind of crap is that? I think what I want is an adventure. I want those adventures people have in the movies when they fall in love and are irrational. Would it be enough for my love story to change my world? Is that a big enough impact? I think it should be. Why do I have to stay in school for this? (This is not my "I'm dropping out to have an adventure" update.) I'm staying in school for the next year because it is the right thing to do and I do enjoy learning and I like the school environment, I just need to be better at it.. My problem is that I don't feel entitled. I don't feel like it's my place or that I have the right to whatever I want, but I do. If I want to go to Ghana I fucking can! If I want to stay at Maryland, I can. If I want to drop out and become a roadie for Steel Train and become Evan's new best friend and love of his life, I can! These don't have to just be dreams. I've been so afraid of being without that I keep myself trapped in it. It's like, I put myself in a place where I don't have everything I want and can't have everything I want, just so that I can have control over having what I want. How dumb is that? This is why I love this feeling. This feeling that it's all going to end any second, that the other shoe will drop and the floor with fall from under my feet and every other devisdating thing that happens will happen. Because it makes me feel like I can do anything. And now I am terrified to go to sleep tonight because I feel like it will go away. And if it hadn't freaking snowed tonight I would go up to Baltimore and get my tattoo right fucking now, but it snowed and I am not completely illogical yet, I know better than to go off driving in the snow at night just because I'm crawling out of my skin. And I purposefully put on sad music so that I would stay in this funk. This is the tortured artist in me, and hell yes, if I want to draw, I fucking can, Dammit! This is the part of me that I think someone is going to fall in love with one day. This insane part of me that I have grown to love after years of hating.
Basically, I'm up for anything. So shoot.