my life may be nothing special ... but it's never been lived before ...
I've got Ani on repeat today, dancing slowly around the house, feeling my feet on each warped floorboard. My toes are finding groves and my fingers grazing the doorways. The dog has followed me, silently watching, hoping as she does that I am not completely crazy.
Alex has amused himself with Legos and Andrew ... sweet Andrew ... I promised him I'd take him back to Albuquerque this weekend and he's going to stay with his dad until the end of the school year. Then we have some decisions to make. I don't know what to do. I don't want my son away from me but I can't break him more than he already is right now. He doesn't understand why his father hit me. He doesn't understand why we ended up here. He wants to be big and brave, but he's scared to death. What do I tell him? I've been honest, it's all I can be, but it doesn't make his heart hurt any less. Nor does it make mine. In fifteen years, I learned to put up with a lot from Charles but I never expected this. Mom always warned me about the quiet ones.
He wants to work things out ... he just doesn't understand that it was never there in the first place. And that's my fault. I loved him, don't get me wrong ... but I never ... it was never what it should have been. And now a good man and a sweet child are hurting.
Worse, my sister hates me (though that is a whole other issue and stems from her humiliation more than my affair with Jed.) And yet through all of it, I know I made the right decision by leaving Charles. I know that in the end, I've corrected a fifteen year mistake and the consequences I'm facing are what comes when I live like I did for so long. I want it to be smoothed over, but like the floorboards under my feet, there are grooves and warped boards and splinters that aren't so easily plucked and thrown away.
Alex has amused himself with Legos and Andrew ... sweet Andrew ... I promised him I'd take him back to Albuquerque this weekend and he's going to stay with his dad until the end of the school year. Then we have some decisions to make. I don't know what to do. I don't want my son away from me but I can't break him more than he already is right now. He doesn't understand why his father hit me. He doesn't understand why we ended up here. He wants to be big and brave, but he's scared to death. What do I tell him? I've been honest, it's all I can be, but it doesn't make his heart hurt any less. Nor does it make mine. In fifteen years, I learned to put up with a lot from Charles but I never expected this. Mom always warned me about the quiet ones.
He wants to work things out ... he just doesn't understand that it was never there in the first place. And that's my fault. I loved him, don't get me wrong ... but I never ... it was never what it should have been. And now a good man and a sweet child are hurting.
Worse, my sister hates me (though that is a whole other issue and stems from her humiliation more than my affair with Jed.) And yet through all of it, I know I made the right decision by leaving Charles. I know that in the end, I've corrected a fifteen year mistake and the consequences I'm facing are what comes when I live like I did for so long. I want it to be smoothed over, but like the floorboards under my feet, there are grooves and warped boards and splinters that aren't so easily plucked and thrown away.