Fork in the road…
Today begins the fourth month since I left North Carolina. Of course there’s a lot to write about, but it’s hard to get my arms around it. Lots to recap, but for now I’ll start with the Cliff Notes version and move on to the present.
The tidiest way to put it is that after 18 years Gary and I have decided that we’ve grown too far apart to continue under the same roof, so we’ve parted as a couple to remain as loving friends.
When my stress had hit its limit, a ray of clarity came through. I realised that my Mom’s summer cabin would be empty for nine months. (We chuckled a good bit over that number.) It would give me space for peace and contemplation while allowing me to conserve funds so that I could continue to pay into Gavin’s upkeep in his last year of chiro school. And it would give Gary space to settle into his new situation.
At first we looked at it as a walkabout / trial separation, but after the first few weeks we agreed that coming back together wouldn’t be an option. Neither one of us has anyone else on the horizon. We’ve just run our course as a couple. We’re not in a hurry to get a divorce, since we have nothing to gain from it at the moment. We still call and talk from time to time, but I'm now at the point where it no longer feels temporary. We still end calls with “I love you” and mean it, but moving back in would just put us back on the hamster wheel.
We didn’t make a general announcement. Gary finally told his closest friends and his gaming group when they started asking questions about my trip. I told my family and a few close friends, but haven’t made a Facebook announcement. I removed my relationship status from Facebook and respond privately when people ask point blank. I want it to settle in gradually. I’ve already had a few casual inquiries about my availability. Not interested in rolling into another relationship. This time I’m setting a high bar and heeding my red flags. Also, I have to know myself well enough to let the other person know exactly what they’re getting into. Many of the pillars of my identity have been kicked away.
I’ve been through enough recently to be unsure of what kind of life I want to have. Most of the good self-help articles pose the very good question, “what brings you joy?” I can’t think of much right now. Much of what I’m pulled to do seems to come out of habit. I used to enjoy X Y and Z, but it’s not working now. Much of that joy came from a specific set of circumstances. A particular combination of people and energy. It’s not something you can force.
I’m spending the Winter and Spring in my Mom’s summer cabin in the woods near the edge of Cassadaga Lake, about 52 miles west of Buffalo. Since I’m a remote employee, I can work anywhere with an internet connection, which gives me a lot of options. I definitely wouldn’t have wintered in the Great White North if I had to deal with their standard commute. Unless something totally unexpected happens, I’m not feeling a big connection here, which is what I expected. I need to disconnect from time to time, but I need a tribe of fellow oddballs around me when I’m feeling social. My brother lives within about 30 minutes, but he’ll be retiring in a few years, most likely moving to Florida. Gavin will be a licensed chiro at the end of March and trying to work out where he’s going to end up. For now this place is still serving my purpose as a sort of sensory deprivation tank. With all the upheaval between home and work I feel like my psyche has sort circuited.
In the meantime, to force myself out of complete hibernation, I checked out the local hooper community. Mostly younger, many with kids. They’ve welcomed me, but I still feel like an outsider. It’s not them - it’s me. I also offered my services to a local gym as a hoop teacher. The owner invited me in for a demo, which went well. He wants to get past the holidays, then offer trial classes to see if there’s interest. He also asked permission to give my info to the local high school. I’m not sure how motivated he’ll be to follow up, but I won’t push it, especially since I need to get a better foothold on work. I’m not feeling a strong pull to hoop at the moment, probably because work is still in chaos. I wish I was as stuck into work as before, but I’ve been hammering away at it for too long without a break. This should have been the time for me to kick ass and take names, but now it’s a fight to muster impulse power.
Although I have all these options, I’ll just feel like a ghost wherever I go unless I have some sort of tribe within a reasonable driving distance. I do still need to poke around and visit friends in different places because who knows, but I’m not quite ready yet. But still… I’m already a third of the way into my exile. Those next six months will probably fly.
.
The tidiest way to put it is that after 18 years Gary and I have decided that we’ve grown too far apart to continue under the same roof, so we’ve parted as a couple to remain as loving friends.
When my stress had hit its limit, a ray of clarity came through. I realised that my Mom’s summer cabin would be empty for nine months. (We chuckled a good bit over that number.) It would give me space for peace and contemplation while allowing me to conserve funds so that I could continue to pay into Gavin’s upkeep in his last year of chiro school. And it would give Gary space to settle into his new situation.
At first we looked at it as a walkabout / trial separation, but after the first few weeks we agreed that coming back together wouldn’t be an option. Neither one of us has anyone else on the horizon. We’ve just run our course as a couple. We’re not in a hurry to get a divorce, since we have nothing to gain from it at the moment. We still call and talk from time to time, but I'm now at the point where it no longer feels temporary. We still end calls with “I love you” and mean it, but moving back in would just put us back on the hamster wheel.
We didn’t make a general announcement. Gary finally told his closest friends and his gaming group when they started asking questions about my trip. I told my family and a few close friends, but haven’t made a Facebook announcement. I removed my relationship status from Facebook and respond privately when people ask point blank. I want it to settle in gradually. I’ve already had a few casual inquiries about my availability. Not interested in rolling into another relationship. This time I’m setting a high bar and heeding my red flags. Also, I have to know myself well enough to let the other person know exactly what they’re getting into. Many of the pillars of my identity have been kicked away.
I’ve been through enough recently to be unsure of what kind of life I want to have. Most of the good self-help articles pose the very good question, “what brings you joy?” I can’t think of much right now. Much of what I’m pulled to do seems to come out of habit. I used to enjoy X Y and Z, but it’s not working now. Much of that joy came from a specific set of circumstances. A particular combination of people and energy. It’s not something you can force.
I’m spending the Winter and Spring in my Mom’s summer cabin in the woods near the edge of Cassadaga Lake, about 52 miles west of Buffalo. Since I’m a remote employee, I can work anywhere with an internet connection, which gives me a lot of options. I definitely wouldn’t have wintered in the Great White North if I had to deal with their standard commute. Unless something totally unexpected happens, I’m not feeling a big connection here, which is what I expected. I need to disconnect from time to time, but I need a tribe of fellow oddballs around me when I’m feeling social. My brother lives within about 30 minutes, but he’ll be retiring in a few years, most likely moving to Florida. Gavin will be a licensed chiro at the end of March and trying to work out where he’s going to end up. For now this place is still serving my purpose as a sort of sensory deprivation tank. With all the upheaval between home and work I feel like my psyche has sort circuited.
In the meantime, to force myself out of complete hibernation, I checked out the local hooper community. Mostly younger, many with kids. They’ve welcomed me, but I still feel like an outsider. It’s not them - it’s me. I also offered my services to a local gym as a hoop teacher. The owner invited me in for a demo, which went well. He wants to get past the holidays, then offer trial classes to see if there’s interest. He also asked permission to give my info to the local high school. I’m not sure how motivated he’ll be to follow up, but I won’t push it, especially since I need to get a better foothold on work. I’m not feeling a strong pull to hoop at the moment, probably because work is still in chaos. I wish I was as stuck into work as before, but I’ve been hammering away at it for too long without a break. This should have been the time for me to kick ass and take names, but now it’s a fight to muster impulse power.
Although I have all these options, I’ll just feel like a ghost wherever I go unless I have some sort of tribe within a reasonable driving distance. I do still need to poke around and visit friends in different places because who knows, but I’m not quite ready yet. But still… I’m already a third of the way into my exile. Those next six months will probably fly.
.