Toni, I've written you this letter a thousand times and I still don't know what to say. I hope you'll at least read this, because I still feel like I never got the chance to actually talk to you, and there's some things I really want to say. I never saw our friendship ending. I was so surprised, I never saw it coming. I wish you'd said something to me about how you felt and given me an opportunity to fix the things I as doing that were upsetting you. I want so badly to work this out. I considered you to be one of my best friends- I guess a lot of people do- and I always liked being around you. You were my favorite person to hang out with. Our conversations meant so much to me. I felt comfortable with you and I trusted you. You're such an amazing person- funny, smart, spontaneous, beautiful. I have such respect and admiration for you. I think everyone that knows you does. I can remember endless conversations where you talked about the things your friends did that pissed you off. And I still don't understand why you couldn't have told me how you felt. I had no idea. And the hardest thing for me to deal with is still the realization that you were right; I was acting immature and slutty. I've spent so much time reflecting on what you said. No one else told me how they felt about the way I was acting, and I guess I just didn't want to admit it or take responsibility for some of my actions that have been so hard to live with. For awhile I didn't care about anything and I did some stupid shit, you know that. I regret a lot, but I want you to know that I've realized that I needed to change. I wish I'd seen that on my own, but I know I can't undo that now. I also think you took some of the comments I'd made wrong. When I said it was your fault that I dropped out of school, I wasn't trying to blame you; I knew then you had nothing to do with it. It was a bad joke, and a compliment in that you gave me a reason to want to be in school. I never meant it was your fault. With almost every day that passes, I think about you. Losing you as a friend hurts more than almost anything, more than losing Stephen or dropping out or anything else that happened back then. I would do anything to work this out. I really would. I know you look down on me, that you see me as an embarrassment. The things you said are seared into my head and echo in my thoughts. How could I have not known that someone I felt so close to, someone that I felt was so much like myself, felt that way about me? When you stopped returning my calls, I was so worried that something bad had happened to you. That you'd overdosed or been sent to rehab or been hurt. I wasn't trying to smother you. I still don't know where I first went wrong, or what made you change your mind, from wanting to move into an apartment with me to never wanting to see me again. I felt so honored that you'd choose me out of all of your friends to move out with. I want to try to fix this, but I feel like it's a waste of time. I sort of feel like none of this will mean anything to you. I can see you reading this and laughing at me, that I still care, that I'm pathetic. But that doesn't matter, I have to try, and my pride is nothing. I miss you, Toni. I miss your smile and your laugh and all the times we had that meant so much to me. Ford told me today he ran into you at Publix, that you said you might come to our wedding, and honestly, I can't think of anything in the world I'd love more.You know, I wanted you as a bridesmaid at my wedding. Thinking about that again today made me cry. It always does when he tells me he's seen you. I think about you graduating and how proud I am of you. I wonder if you're still addicted. What's been happening in your life as far as guys go. How your job is, if you've moved out yet. I want so much for you to be a part in my life. Things are so different for me now. I like to think that I'm different too, that I've finally grown up some.
I don't even know where to begin. I'll start with saying it's ironic you think I'd laugh at that. It's even sad that you feel I'm capable of being so cruel. But I guess I haven't given you much hope... you know I'm bad at confrontation, and I'd rather avoid something than to hurt someone intentionally. But when I think about it (and I do a lot) what I did to you was no better than what Jesse did to me. I'm no better than he is. Or I wasn't at least. Me and Ford had a long conversation last night and I'm sure he's told you by now. If you have matured, that's wonderful and I'm proud of you. I hope you have grown as a person because you had a lot of growing up to do; not to sound like a bitch because I have so many flaws that I know need help. And we all have faults and whatnot but the fact that you recognized it and improved it (or at least attempted to) is amazing and I truly am proud. I will most definitely be at your wedding but as far as our friendship is concerned I'm not sure if I'm ready to try it again. Not only because of the tons of guilt I have for what I've put you through but in the possibility that we still may be on two different pages in our life and I don't want to do the same thing to you twice. I know I've grown up a lot myself but I don't want to put myself in that position again, feeling trapped in a friendship I wasn't sure I wanted. Don't get me wrong, I loved you and always will... but there was just one defining moment when I realized I didn't want to be friends with you. (henceforth... don't think our whole friendship was a lie-just near the end of it) I don't want that to sound harsh I know it did. But I'm not going to lie to you either... anyway though, I know I completely approached it the wrong way. I guess I just hoped that if I stopped talking to you we would eventually drift apart and you wouldn't be hurt that way. I know it was shitty and I'm sorry for how I handled it, and sorry I felt how I did in the first place. I never could have dreamed it affected you the way it did. But I told Ford this last night... if our paths meet again and I realize you really have changed I'm not going to be closeminded and shut out any chance of us being friends again. I'll be open, promise. As for me being a bridesmaid... well I heard it was something naked-like and if that's the case I'm sorry I'd have to say I decline. But if I get some sort of pretty dress or something I'd be happy to oblige. Anyway... I'll probably see you around, whether at TCC or somewhere with Ford. Congrats by the way on the engagement I hadn't even said that.... take it easy
Toni- Words can't explain how I feel right now. So happy, so relieved, like a thousand pounds just dropped off my shoulders. Like I'm on top of the world. I don't know why I even checked your lj- I never write in mine anymore, I felt like it was in vain. But when I saw that you'd even bothered to respond, let alone before I had time to realize what you were saying, I was so excited. I wish you could see how much this means to me. Thank you. Thank you times a million. You were so important to me. You are so important to me. Ford never told me- you know how he tends to forget stuff, or maybe just was trying to protect me, I dunno, but it was pure luck I even saw your comment.
About cruelty-I don't really know what to expect from you anymore to be honest. I never saw the whole thing coming. I know how much you dislike confrontation and I can totally respect that. But I couldn't understand it at the time and it hurt like hell, I won't lie. I've never missed a friendship the way I missed yours. I think of you so often. At times I wanted to make you talk to me, I felt so angry. But inside I knew that nothing I had to say would make a difference. Because I don't want to try to force you into anything; you're your own person and you'll make your own decisions, I know that firsthand. So I tried to let it go. I never felt that you were "doing" anything to me like Jesse did to you. It was more like I started to look at myself. You really helped me, and I'm glad in a way you finally told me how you felt that night. It made me take a step back. I was acting like a kid. So shallow and...meaningless.
We might still be on a different page for all I know. I don't know what's been going on with you these days. I know I've still got lots of issues. I've been trying to be less selfish and more open though. I don't know how much I've really improved, but I do know I've recognized it and I'm trying. It feels so good to finally know what was on your mind. I'm not saying we've gotta be friends. I am saying I miss you, and I would love to see you around sometime. The wedding's not till November of 08. I want to make sure I'm mature enough to be a good wife. He's older, and so different from what I expected. Ford I mean. But he's got my heart; we've been though a lot together. He's helped me to be easy though. Kinda changed my perspective a bit.
One more thing- and sorry this is so long, but I feel like there's a lot to be said- I don't want you to feel guilty. Just the phrase "I think about (what I did to you)" makes it all okay. It really does. And I hope things have changed for the better for you as well.
I've got to know though. What was this defining moment? when you realized you didn't care for me anymore. That you didn't want to be my friend. It would help me if I knew. So I hope you'll tell me. This whole thing, in a way, changed my life. It had such an impact. I don't know what he told you, but he and I had many conversations about you. I want to know, honestly, what bothered you. Not so I can "conform" to suit you and be your friend, but so I can improve myself. I know some of this might sound lame, but I've gotten past the point of caring what anyone thinks. I'm just saying how I feel. And like I said, I don't want to force anything, and I'm not sure what I'd say to you or what it would be like if I did see you again, but I'll be picking my car up from the shop on the 12th of June. So anytime after that I'd be avaliable..I miss you, and I've learned not to leave important things to chance.
And as for the wedding- well, allthough I'm sure at our joint bachelorette/bachelor party we'll be running around naked, the wedding will be more serious. No nakedness. You can wear whatever the hell you want. Shorts and flip flops like you always do would be perfect. The only thing that will matter to me would be having you there. But there's plenty of time to decide. I'm not in school now- havnen't been in 2 or 3 semesters. I work full time, got a new job. But more later, I need to sleep as it's almost 3:30 am.
I hope to talk to you soon. Don't know how to end this, I always sucked at email. I'm not online much. But you know my number, and I'll leave this all up to you from here. Be easy.
I'm really tired right now and I might come back another time to add onto this or just comment again but I already told you everything. The defining moment wasn't just when you did something it would just be like when we were hanging out and you would say something really dumb or just do something I thought was ridiculous and immiture; incidents like that just building and building until finally I realized that we were two completely different people. It wasn't like you did one thing and I just made the decision it was more like a growing anger towards you for a while until I finally just didn't want to talk to you anymore. I really don't like talking about that though I already told you, repeatedly, I hate confrontation, arguments, and hurting people. And if someone kept telling me I was or still was immiture I know I'd be hurt and I don't want to be that person who's hurting you.
okay. i understand. honestly, it doesn't hurt that you were saying i was immature, because i've realized you were right.
i understand how everything built up. i was just curious if there was one thing.
like i said before, i don't blame you. i understand
i feel better,really, i do, just knowing why.so thank you. i can let it rest now. because we were, and in some ways probally are, different people. now that i know you don't HATE me, i can be at peace.
I've written you this letter a thousand times and I still don't know what to say. I hope you'll at least read this, because I still feel like I never got the chance to actually talk to you, and there's some things I really want to say. I never saw our friendship ending. I was so surprised, I never saw it coming. I wish you'd said something to me about how you felt and given me an opportunity to fix the things I as doing that were upsetting you. I want so badly to work this out. I considered you to be one of my best friends- I guess a lot of people do- and I always liked being around you. You were my favorite person to hang out with. Our conversations meant so much to me. I felt comfortable with you and I trusted you. You're such an amazing person- funny, smart, spontaneous, beautiful. I have such respect and admiration for you. I think everyone that knows you does. I can remember endless conversations where you talked about the things your friends did that pissed you off. And I still don't understand why you couldn't have told me how you felt. I had no idea. And the hardest thing for me to deal with is still the realization that you were right; I was acting immature and slutty. I've spent so much time reflecting on what you said. No one else told me how they felt about the way I was acting, and I guess I just didn't want to admit it or take responsibility for some of my actions that have been so hard to live with. For awhile I didn't care about anything and I did some stupid shit, you know that. I regret a lot, but I want you to know that I've realized that I needed to change. I wish I'd seen that on my own, but I know I can't undo that now. I also think you took some of the comments I'd made wrong. When I said it was your fault that I dropped out of school, I wasn't trying to blame you; I knew then you had nothing to do with it. It was a bad joke, and a compliment in that you gave me a reason to want to be in school. I never meant it was your fault. With almost every day that passes, I think about you. Losing you as a friend hurts more than almost anything, more than losing Stephen or dropping out or anything else that happened back then. I would do anything to work this out. I really would. I know you look down on me, that you see me as an embarrassment. The things you said are seared into my head and echo in my thoughts. How could I have not known that someone I felt so close to, someone that I felt was so much like myself, felt that way about me? When you stopped returning my calls, I was so worried that something bad had happened to you. That you'd overdosed or been sent to rehab or been hurt. I wasn't trying to smother you. I still don't know where I first went wrong, or what made you change your mind, from wanting to move into an apartment with me to never wanting to see me again. I felt so honored that you'd choose me out of all of your friends to move out with. I want to try to fix this, but I feel like it's a waste of time. I sort of feel like none of this will mean anything to you. I can see you reading this and laughing at me, that I still care, that I'm pathetic. But that doesn't matter, I have to try, and my pride is nothing. I miss you, Toni. I miss your smile and your laugh and all the times we had that meant so much to me. Ford told me today he ran into you at Publix, that you said you might come to our wedding, and honestly, I can't think of anything in the world I'd love more.You know, I wanted you as a bridesmaid at my wedding. Thinking about that again today made me cry. It always does when he tells me he's seen you. I think about you graduating and how proud I am of you. I wonder if you're still addicted. What's been happening in your life as far as guys go. How your job is, if you've moved out yet. I want so much for you to be a part in my life. Things are so different for me now. I like to think that I'm different too, that I've finally grown up some.
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As for me being a bridesmaid... well I heard it was something naked-like and if that's the case I'm sorry I'd have to say I decline. But if I get some sort of pretty dress or something I'd be happy to oblige.
Anyway... I'll probably see you around, whether at TCC or somewhere with Ford. Congrats by the way on the engagement I hadn't even said that....
take it easy
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Words can't explain how I feel right now. So happy, so relieved, like a thousand pounds just dropped off my shoulders. Like I'm on top of the world. I don't know why I even checked your lj- I never write in mine anymore, I felt like it was in vain. But when I saw that you'd even bothered to respond, let alone before I had time to realize what you were saying, I was so excited. I wish you could see how much this means to me. Thank you. Thank you times a million. You were so important to me. You are so important to me. Ford never told me- you know how he tends to forget stuff, or maybe just was trying to protect me, I dunno, but it was pure luck I even saw your comment.
About cruelty-I don't really know what to expect from you anymore to be honest. I never saw the whole thing coming. I know how much you dislike confrontation and I can totally respect that. But I couldn't understand it at the time and it hurt like hell, I won't lie. I've never missed a friendship the way I missed yours. I think of you so often. At times I wanted to make you talk to me, I felt so angry. But inside I knew that nothing I had to say would make a difference. Because I don't want to try to force you into anything; you're your own person and you'll make your own decisions, I know that firsthand. So I tried to let it go. I never felt that you were "doing" anything to me like Jesse did to you. It was more like I started to look at myself. You really helped me, and I'm glad in a way you finally told me how you felt that night. It made me take a step back. I was acting like a kid. So shallow and...meaningless.
We might still be on a different page for all I know. I don't know what's been going on with you these days. I know I've still got lots of issues. I've been trying to be less selfish and more open though. I don't know how much I've really improved, but I do know I've recognized it and I'm trying. It feels so good to finally know what was on your mind. I'm not saying we've gotta be friends. I am saying I miss you, and I would love to see you around sometime. The wedding's not till November of 08. I want to make sure I'm mature enough to be a good wife. He's older, and so different from what I expected. Ford I mean. But he's got my heart; we've been though a lot together. He's helped me to be easy though. Kinda changed my perspective a bit.
One more thing- and sorry this is so long, but I feel like there's a lot to be said- I don't want you to feel guilty. Just the phrase "I think about (what I did to you)" makes it all okay. It really does. And I hope things have changed for the better for you as well.
I've got to know though. What was this defining moment? when you realized you didn't care for me anymore. That you didn't want to be my friend. It would help me if I knew. So I hope you'll tell me. This whole thing, in a way, changed my life. It had such an impact. I don't know what he told you, but he and I had many conversations about you. I want to know, honestly, what bothered you. Not so I can "conform" to suit you and be your friend, but so I can improve myself. I know some of this might sound lame, but I've gotten past the point of caring what anyone thinks. I'm just saying how I feel. And like I said, I don't want to force anything, and I'm not sure what I'd say to you or what it would be like if I did see you again, but I'll be picking my car up from the shop on the 12th of June. So anytime after that I'd be avaliable..I miss you, and I've learned not to leave important things to chance.
And as for the wedding- well, allthough I'm sure at our joint bachelorette/bachelor party we'll be running around naked, the wedding will be more serious. No nakedness. You can wear whatever the hell you want. Shorts and flip flops like you always do would be perfect. The only thing that will matter to me would be having you there. But there's plenty of time to decide. I'm not in school now- havnen't been in 2 or 3 semesters. I work full time, got a new job. But more later, I need to sleep as it's almost 3:30 am.
I hope to talk to you soon. Don't know how to end this, I always sucked at email. I'm not online much. But you know my number, and I'll leave this all up to you from here.
Be easy.
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i understand how everything built up. i was just curious if there was one thing.
like i said before, i don't blame you.
i understand
i feel better,really, i do, just knowing why.so thank you. i can let it rest now. because we were, and in some ways probally are, different people. now that i know you don't HATE me, i can be at peace.
maybe,later days.
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