(no subject)
it wouldn't seem like it, but i'm starting to get tired of my journal. have i finally reached that point in maturity when one disrobes from one identity and begins wearing a completely different persona? you know what point i'm talking about. the point where this identity describes who i was in the past, but relates nothing to the person i have become. i've come across several people who have changed journals because the old one symbolizes a person they don't want to be anymore, and don't want to be associated with anymore. sometimes i feel like i've hit that spot. i've become so aware of social, racial, gender, etc. issues in the three years i have attended this school that sometimes i wonder how i ever used to function in my little portland bubble. i am constantly reminded of how privileged i am, never wanting for anything (or at least anything of necessity). and yet i see people who are grateful for the chance to sit beside me in the college classroom. while they have always strived to get here, i basically expected it.
i feel ineffective sometimes. ok, a lot of times. especially when i'm trying to communicate with other people.
why does my mind have to work so quickly? the thoughts race through my head, and i feel the need to let loose with every single one simultaneously. it's like my mouth and my brain are competing in a race. and while my brain will always win, my mouth will always attempt to keep up, despite the physical impossibility of it all. hence everything comes out in a jumble. i don't know why i can't just slow down. it's my need to be first, be fastest. why can't i feel a need to be clearest! and then there's my volume. i know that i have a soft voice, but i can use my vocal chords sometimes. i walk around life unsure of what i am saying, so i practically whisper my words in hopes that no one will hear me. the paradoxical thing being that i'm speaking so other people will hear me. so which wins out? oh, the nervous, timid side. i have performance anxiety. no question about it. in practice, i'm perfectly fine. and in performance/competition, i choke. psychologically, my outlook on a situation becomes completely different, so while the physical actions remain unchanged, my mindset makes it so i cannot function. where the hell was i going with this?
i feel ineffective sometimes. ok, a lot of times. especially when i'm trying to communicate with other people.
why does my mind have to work so quickly? the thoughts race through my head, and i feel the need to let loose with every single one simultaneously. it's like my mouth and my brain are competing in a race. and while my brain will always win, my mouth will always attempt to keep up, despite the physical impossibility of it all. hence everything comes out in a jumble. i don't know why i can't just slow down. it's my need to be first, be fastest. why can't i feel a need to be clearest! and then there's my volume. i know that i have a soft voice, but i can use my vocal chords sometimes. i walk around life unsure of what i am saying, so i practically whisper my words in hopes that no one will hear me. the paradoxical thing being that i'm speaking so other people will hear me. so which wins out? oh, the nervous, timid side. i have performance anxiety. no question about it. in practice, i'm perfectly fine. and in performance/competition, i choke. psychologically, my outlook on a situation becomes completely different, so while the physical actions remain unchanged, my mindset makes it so i cannot function. where the hell was i going with this?