L-O-V-E
I've been thinking about love all day long. Love in all its forms.
***About how I don't have many close friends but the ones I do have I want to pull into me and hug and hold and take care of them. How friend-love and romantic love are sometimes blurred into one because I care about them so much.
This is, I think why it is going to be really good that when Mike and I move in together we will also be moving in with my very best friend, Rachael. She and I were practically dating our second year of college when I slept every night in her bed and we took care of each other in a way only lovers or family do. There was no romance or sexual feelings, just complete love and caring for each other as true friends.
***I was thinking about how important my little friend-family is and how I probably couldn't have survived much of the past 5 years without them.
***I was thinking about how amazing it is that one of the people I have come to turn to when times get rough is this brilliant, beautiful, thoughtful girl who I have known for almost two years now and have only spent face time with once over a delicious thanksgiving dinner.
***I was thinking about how lucky I am that my boyfriend is my best friend. He called me before I went to work and we spoke briefly about our plans to move in together in May. How we need to start seriously looking soon, nothing out of the ordinary.
On the train to work I started getting so worried about EVERYTHING.
I have really been feeling a strain on our relationship recently, like something is missing. And I KNOW in my heart what it is - each other. We never see each other and when we do its when he is staying over because he worked late at the studio. But I had this terrible thought, what if we move in and that missing piece is still missing. What if THAT wasn't the problem?
One of the great things about our relationship is the freedom we give each other to do our own thing, and I started getting worried that it would go away if we moved in. I want to keep my friends and social life(that kind of makes me sound like a woo girl but I think you all know I'm not and know what I mean.) that means so much to me.
Not to mention we're about to hit 2 1/2 years and once we pass it this will officially be my longest relationship ever.
I texted with Ari and Maryjane about it and talked briefly with Alex when I got home. Then I called Mike, and everything went perfectly.
He gets it.
He's scared too. But we're in it together. Everything about us aside we're both in really strange times, neither of us know where our career is going, plus moving is terrifying. But as long as we're in it together and we promised each other if we get scared about these things we'll talk about it right away, everything will be fine. Before ANYTHING ELSE he is my friend.
and my friends mean the world to me.
***Today I also realized just why my friendship with Israel means so much to me, but to explain it we have to back things up a little bit.
I moved to NYC on August 1st, 2007. My Dad was in his motorcycle accident on August 25th, 2007. This obviously changes everything. I was there for him as much as I possibly could be even though I never felt like I was doing enough. I visited him in Virginia at least once every month and gave him all my love and care and helped in every way I knew how. I am not going to lie, it was exhausting.
He was my absolute best friend a brilliant man and an amazing father, I cannot even put it into words how much he meant to me so I did everything I possibly could to try to help him recover. Over the next 9 months my life was pretty much dictated by what was happening with my Dad and when I was going to visit him and saving money for the trip to VA to see him.
This left very little time for social interaction. A lot of the friends who were very "there for me" at the beginning were not so "there for me" when they realized how hard this hit me and that this was going to be a long drawn out thing. This is one way to tell what friends are friends and what friends truly love you.
Sure I went out here and there and I met a few people, made some new friends in NYC. There are 4 that stand out all of whom I hung out with quite a few times. Once my dad passed away I cut off all contact with these people. I was emotionally spent and couldn't muster the energy it takes to make an acquaintance into a good friend. Then I was fired from Community and again, didn't have the energy to care about staying friends with anyone I wasn't seeing every day. This is unlike me because I'm known for staying in really good contact with people, but I just COULD NOT CARE.
This kept happening, I would meet people while out, or at auditions and I would click with them but the idea of working to get to know someone turned me off and I wouldn't follow through. The friends I made before my dad passed would try to call me and I wouldn't even pick up or would make excuses why I couldn't see them.
I hate to place everything on it, but what I went through with my Dad was so hard and I'm still recovering from it. Don't get me wrong I wouldn't take ANY of it back, but it was REALLY hard. I miss him every single day and I just want to call him to say hi, ask him how to cook something, find out what he's been building, or how the dog is, or tell him something funny, or tell him about this ridiculous fucking cast I'm in right now... DO YOU KNOW HOW FUNNY HE WOULD THINK GAY JESUS IS?! My dad would think that shit is the funniest thing he's ever heard.
The other day I left my apartment and a van that looked like the one he used to drive was parked right outside my front door and it was like someone sucker punched me in the stomach and I almost started bawling. Its NOT easy.
Fast forward to Israel and why I am so excited to be his friend and to have him in my life:
He is the first person I have found in a year and a half who is worth making that effort for. He gets me, I get him and it just works. Making new friends is hard as is being willing to open yourself up to a new person not knowing if they are going to love it or hate it but something about our friendship clicks and, though it wasn't a conscious thing, he is the first REAL friend I have made in NYC (you know, that wasn't someone I knew from before). And now I'm obsessed with him :P haha He really makes me very happy because of that reason up there and because we have fun and laugh a lot and even if we don't talk about everything I feel like I could talk to him about pretty much anything and thats important because you don't find that a lot.
AND I'm convinced the only reason I'm in this show is because we were meant to meet.
So thats me, busting with love for my friends and my dad and my boyfriend.
***About how I don't have many close friends but the ones I do have I want to pull into me and hug and hold and take care of them. How friend-love and romantic love are sometimes blurred into one because I care about them so much.
This is, I think why it is going to be really good that when Mike and I move in together we will also be moving in with my very best friend, Rachael. She and I were practically dating our second year of college when I slept every night in her bed and we took care of each other in a way only lovers or family do. There was no romance or sexual feelings, just complete love and caring for each other as true friends.
***I was thinking about how important my little friend-family is and how I probably couldn't have survived much of the past 5 years without them.
***I was thinking about how amazing it is that one of the people I have come to turn to when times get rough is this brilliant, beautiful, thoughtful girl who I have known for almost two years now and have only spent face time with once over a delicious thanksgiving dinner.
***I was thinking about how lucky I am that my boyfriend is my best friend. He called me before I went to work and we spoke briefly about our plans to move in together in May. How we need to start seriously looking soon, nothing out of the ordinary.
On the train to work I started getting so worried about EVERYTHING.
I have really been feeling a strain on our relationship recently, like something is missing. And I KNOW in my heart what it is - each other. We never see each other and when we do its when he is staying over because he worked late at the studio. But I had this terrible thought, what if we move in and that missing piece is still missing. What if THAT wasn't the problem?
One of the great things about our relationship is the freedom we give each other to do our own thing, and I started getting worried that it would go away if we moved in. I want to keep my friends and social life(that kind of makes me sound like a woo girl but I think you all know I'm not and know what I mean.) that means so much to me.
Not to mention we're about to hit 2 1/2 years and once we pass it this will officially be my longest relationship ever.
I texted with Ari and Maryjane about it and talked briefly with Alex when I got home. Then I called Mike, and everything went perfectly.
He gets it.
He's scared too. But we're in it together. Everything about us aside we're both in really strange times, neither of us know where our career is going, plus moving is terrifying. But as long as we're in it together and we promised each other if we get scared about these things we'll talk about it right away, everything will be fine. Before ANYTHING ELSE he is my friend.
and my friends mean the world to me.
***Today I also realized just why my friendship with Israel means so much to me, but to explain it we have to back things up a little bit.
I moved to NYC on August 1st, 2007. My Dad was in his motorcycle accident on August 25th, 2007. This obviously changes everything. I was there for him as much as I possibly could be even though I never felt like I was doing enough. I visited him in Virginia at least once every month and gave him all my love and care and helped in every way I knew how. I am not going to lie, it was exhausting.
He was my absolute best friend a brilliant man and an amazing father, I cannot even put it into words how much he meant to me so I did everything I possibly could to try to help him recover. Over the next 9 months my life was pretty much dictated by what was happening with my Dad and when I was going to visit him and saving money for the trip to VA to see him.
This left very little time for social interaction. A lot of the friends who were very "there for me" at the beginning were not so "there for me" when they realized how hard this hit me and that this was going to be a long drawn out thing. This is one way to tell what friends are friends and what friends truly love you.
Sure I went out here and there and I met a few people, made some new friends in NYC. There are 4 that stand out all of whom I hung out with quite a few times. Once my dad passed away I cut off all contact with these people. I was emotionally spent and couldn't muster the energy it takes to make an acquaintance into a good friend. Then I was fired from Community and again, didn't have the energy to care about staying friends with anyone I wasn't seeing every day. This is unlike me because I'm known for staying in really good contact with people, but I just COULD NOT CARE.
This kept happening, I would meet people while out, or at auditions and I would click with them but the idea of working to get to know someone turned me off and I wouldn't follow through. The friends I made before my dad passed would try to call me and I wouldn't even pick up or would make excuses why I couldn't see them.
I hate to place everything on it, but what I went through with my Dad was so hard and I'm still recovering from it. Don't get me wrong I wouldn't take ANY of it back, but it was REALLY hard. I miss him every single day and I just want to call him to say hi, ask him how to cook something, find out what he's been building, or how the dog is, or tell him something funny, or tell him about this ridiculous fucking cast I'm in right now... DO YOU KNOW HOW FUNNY HE WOULD THINK GAY JESUS IS?! My dad would think that shit is the funniest thing he's ever heard.
The other day I left my apartment and a van that looked like the one he used to drive was parked right outside my front door and it was like someone sucker punched me in the stomach and I almost started bawling. Its NOT easy.
Fast forward to Israel and why I am so excited to be his friend and to have him in my life:
He is the first person I have found in a year and a half who is worth making that effort for. He gets me, I get him and it just works. Making new friends is hard as is being willing to open yourself up to a new person not knowing if they are going to love it or hate it but something about our friendship clicks and, though it wasn't a conscious thing, he is the first REAL friend I have made in NYC (you know, that wasn't someone I knew from before). And now I'm obsessed with him :P haha He really makes me very happy because of that reason up there and because we have fun and laugh a lot and even if we don't talk about everything I feel like I could talk to him about pretty much anything and thats important because you don't find that a lot.
AND I'm convinced the only reason I'm in this show is because we were meant to meet.
So thats me, busting with love for my friends and my dad and my boyfriend.