Forever is a very long time.
Can you believe they are threatening to shut the gas off in places in america? I mean we are really destroying our planet people. Yeah the hurricane is our damn fault... we are destroying the damn Ozone which has alot to do with our weather... with the decrease of the ozone hurricanes are forming... i know everyone seen "Day after tomorrow" yeah... that's happening... we as young adults may never see it... but it's bad when my mother looks at me the other day and says... if you will truely love your children in your future... don't have them. I mean what is that? I almost died yesterday trying to get to work... people are going nuts over the gas... gas stations were packed out in the street... one guy got pulled off his motorcycle and beaten. Human's are disguisting.
On to more pressing matters...
I know my life seems dark and lonely cuz all i ever do is release my problems into this damn journal... but i guess thats because i don't show them on the outside... i go to work and no one would know the things im dealing with... yet small... it feels something in this universe is attacking my psyci... my oldest rat (which is claim to my ex wife) is not going to be with me long and all i wanna do is take these last couple good times im going to have with her... but I can't because my youngest (who lost her twin, very young to the respratory disease common in rats) has become deathly sick... but its not what her sister had... and i am by her side 24/7 except when i work. I have not one friend at my request... I lean on myself... I love my rats they are my children... it hurts me that i watch my two oldest stare at me like mommy pick me up... I mean the three of them used to spend all the time in the world with me... and now they cant all be together and i cant spread myself that far... ive asked my mother to watch them for a while... so i dont see them much at all... but they dont like her like they love me... the middle "child" is kinda the detached one and its takin her a while to feel comfortable with me... I feel like im abondoning the few things that actually love me... for just me. I found a cist on paine a couple days ago... besides her illness now she might have cancer... I dont think anyone understands... paine can't die... because once corky goes then i have paine and yuna... the two vibrant ones... what if paine goes before corky.... thats not how i planed it... i was suppose to spend my last years as a rat caretaker with her... she's my mommas girl... i started this with tokie who will always be my baby... she was a mommas girl... and i wanted to end it with paine... i guess now ill just end it in pain.
Groupie showed back up.... i told him i didnt want to see him if he came back I wanted him to come back freed of the things that tormented him and destroyed our friendship. from the day we got the house till the day I walked out on him and left him there with that bitch Shell, who destroyed my house and my home and the place I called my safe place. Everything he brought appon himself... even if they were acts of selflessness still came on me in the end...
I remember we used to sit around at night after work and read for long hours and smoke... just sit in silence and pass a bowl or a joint and read the books we had in our hands... and then people would come over we would get together for a little while they would go home we would sit up playing video games and pass out... the house was so quiet. And then... then one day Shell calls up... she's lost her child to her mother and spent all her money on Meth... and she needs a place for her and her no good boyfriend/father of her child to stay. We had a basement that was cleaned out so he thought that was a good idea... i thought it wasnt... they werent the same people we knew they were ice heads now... that means locking the garage door to the house when we left anywhere... god knows whatthey would take an pawn. He was said that if they moved in that drugs would not be aloud.... get this... for us either... no more weed in the house... jay/the no good husband... smokes.... a)hes going to talk us into going and getting some from his buddy... where he will slip ice into his pocket and do it in the basement with shell. b) now with them in the house now people will start to wonder where the two crack heads went and try to find out... so incase a couple shards show up at the door and the cops are called we dont go to jail... i was crushed... plus the food thatmyself and my exwife/newly instated girlfriend were buying was being eatin by that little bsatard because he had eatin in weeks.... now try pulling my ex off someone... i dare you. that caused problems. we were running out of food... and then those two started pointing fingers at each other saying the other was bring drugs in the house... so on thanksgiving... we sent the husband to the crazy house... and behind my back groupie started sleeping with shell... again. so now i have to deal with kicking jay completely out... and im feeling sorry for him and so is my ex... so we take in way out in marietta and leave him... he beggs to stay with my ex... im like fuck you. Then... they move the shit from Shells apartment into the house... not the basement the house... and roaches get in my nice clean fucking house! i leave because i cant take the mess... i move my animals and myself back in with my mother... i sleep on a floor for 2 weeks while im thinking of a way out.... i go back to MY HOUSE... my playstation and tv have been moved from my room to the living room for all access... their are people sleeping on MY couch... my bed has been moved... theres drugs under it... and the whole time my roommate is aware... flyers from my many raves i attended and sponsered are gone. my bed is soaked because the ceiling over my bed is leeking, they can hide drugs under my bed but they cant move it out from under the god damn water! my bathroom is nasty and destroyed... and my roommate and his newly accuired bitch are walking around the house yelling at each other.... wanan talk about being pissed... A0 i moved out because my roommate was yelling at me all the time telling me he was goingto kick me out because i was doing nothing (and who was supplying the food) He paid the bills with his bitch and i kept us fat and happy... because i wanted to make sure i was eating... i could careless about bills...
Now he is back and asking for my forgiveness... it didnt stop when i moved out later on he had a roommate that was dealing Meth and i got back on it... and i dont know why... but he was on it too.. and i can handle my shit... i went thru alot while on that shit saw alotta things i couldnt even tell you about without 3 journals.... and my roommate sits in the corner and cries after being up for 2 days because his problems are too much... he snaps on me when i tell him to sleep and to smoke some weed. finally one day i walked out of that house and never went back...
Soon after he left that house(still paying for it) and came to live with me while other people lived in the other house... we had a good time... till one day he disappeared... to FL... now hei s back and his problems seems to have returned with him... life is so peaceful without him... now what?
so ive decided... once my life has stopped flip flopping around im going to pack up and move... until then ill go stay with my parents.... kinda like a i love you thank you for helping me when i couldnt help myself... but now i know i can help myself and im gonna go now... one day my mother looked at me and she said... you have to go Dani... you have to go anywhere but here... as much as i love you and dont want to loose one of my children... you ahve to go... i didnt want to believe her... so im going home... to Livonia MI... where im going to go to school and live.... hopefully peacefully. I can't take this shit anymore... as much as i dont wanna leave my family i have too... but not until paine gets better... corkys gone... and i have my head on straight... or as straight as a lesbian can get her head...
No body knows what i struggle with... because everytime i try to say it i just want to scream over myself about how much i hate the people that put their problems on me... and then i never really get to whats really bothering me...
Life's crazy when you grow up... but i have to say... Ive never been so happy in my life to be the person i am right now and the things ive accomplished... my problems are my down fall.... but you cant live in your downfall... thats not living...
Now I have to get around to looking at these Grant offers for school... I was told to take the Pale grant but now i have to find a school up north that i wantto attend and ask them if they take it... and i have to find a place around the school or something... and ill need a job which isnt going to be hard ive been working since i was young ive got plenty to offer there...
fuck this im gonna go roll one and make this go away for awhile.
On to more pressing matters...
I know my life seems dark and lonely cuz all i ever do is release my problems into this damn journal... but i guess thats because i don't show them on the outside... i go to work and no one would know the things im dealing with... yet small... it feels something in this universe is attacking my psyci... my oldest rat (which is claim to my ex wife) is not going to be with me long and all i wanna do is take these last couple good times im going to have with her... but I can't because my youngest (who lost her twin, very young to the respratory disease common in rats) has become deathly sick... but its not what her sister had... and i am by her side 24/7 except when i work. I have not one friend at my request... I lean on myself... I love my rats they are my children... it hurts me that i watch my two oldest stare at me like mommy pick me up... I mean the three of them used to spend all the time in the world with me... and now they cant all be together and i cant spread myself that far... ive asked my mother to watch them for a while... so i dont see them much at all... but they dont like her like they love me... the middle "child" is kinda the detached one and its takin her a while to feel comfortable with me... I feel like im abondoning the few things that actually love me... for just me. I found a cist on paine a couple days ago... besides her illness now she might have cancer... I dont think anyone understands... paine can't die... because once corky goes then i have paine and yuna... the two vibrant ones... what if paine goes before corky.... thats not how i planed it... i was suppose to spend my last years as a rat caretaker with her... she's my mommas girl... i started this with tokie who will always be my baby... she was a mommas girl... and i wanted to end it with paine... i guess now ill just end it in pain.
Groupie showed back up.... i told him i didnt want to see him if he came back I wanted him to come back freed of the things that tormented him and destroyed our friendship. from the day we got the house till the day I walked out on him and left him there with that bitch Shell, who destroyed my house and my home and the place I called my safe place. Everything he brought appon himself... even if they were acts of selflessness still came on me in the end...
I remember we used to sit around at night after work and read for long hours and smoke... just sit in silence and pass a bowl or a joint and read the books we had in our hands... and then people would come over we would get together for a little while they would go home we would sit up playing video games and pass out... the house was so quiet. And then... then one day Shell calls up... she's lost her child to her mother and spent all her money on Meth... and she needs a place for her and her no good boyfriend/father of her child to stay. We had a basement that was cleaned out so he thought that was a good idea... i thought it wasnt... they werent the same people we knew they were ice heads now... that means locking the garage door to the house when we left anywhere... god knows whatthey would take an pawn. He was said that if they moved in that drugs would not be aloud.... get this... for us either... no more weed in the house... jay/the no good husband... smokes.... a)hes going to talk us into going and getting some from his buddy... where he will slip ice into his pocket and do it in the basement with shell. b) now with them in the house now people will start to wonder where the two crack heads went and try to find out... so incase a couple shards show up at the door and the cops are called we dont go to jail... i was crushed... plus the food thatmyself and my exwife/newly instated girlfriend were buying was being eatin by that little bsatard because he had eatin in weeks.... now try pulling my ex off someone... i dare you. that caused problems. we were running out of food... and then those two started pointing fingers at each other saying the other was bring drugs in the house... so on thanksgiving... we sent the husband to the crazy house... and behind my back groupie started sleeping with shell... again. so now i have to deal with kicking jay completely out... and im feeling sorry for him and so is my ex... so we take in way out in marietta and leave him... he beggs to stay with my ex... im like fuck you. Then... they move the shit from Shells apartment into the house... not the basement the house... and roaches get in my nice clean fucking house! i leave because i cant take the mess... i move my animals and myself back in with my mother... i sleep on a floor for 2 weeks while im thinking of a way out.... i go back to MY HOUSE... my playstation and tv have been moved from my room to the living room for all access... their are people sleeping on MY couch... my bed has been moved... theres drugs under it... and the whole time my roommate is aware... flyers from my many raves i attended and sponsered are gone. my bed is soaked because the ceiling over my bed is leeking, they can hide drugs under my bed but they cant move it out from under the god damn water! my bathroom is nasty and destroyed... and my roommate and his newly accuired bitch are walking around the house yelling at each other.... wanan talk about being pissed... A0 i moved out because my roommate was yelling at me all the time telling me he was goingto kick me out because i was doing nothing (and who was supplying the food) He paid the bills with his bitch and i kept us fat and happy... because i wanted to make sure i was eating... i could careless about bills...
Now he is back and asking for my forgiveness... it didnt stop when i moved out later on he had a roommate that was dealing Meth and i got back on it... and i dont know why... but he was on it too.. and i can handle my shit... i went thru alot while on that shit saw alotta things i couldnt even tell you about without 3 journals.... and my roommate sits in the corner and cries after being up for 2 days because his problems are too much... he snaps on me when i tell him to sleep and to smoke some weed. finally one day i walked out of that house and never went back...
Soon after he left that house(still paying for it) and came to live with me while other people lived in the other house... we had a good time... till one day he disappeared... to FL... now hei s back and his problems seems to have returned with him... life is so peaceful without him... now what?
so ive decided... once my life has stopped flip flopping around im going to pack up and move... until then ill go stay with my parents.... kinda like a i love you thank you for helping me when i couldnt help myself... but now i know i can help myself and im gonna go now... one day my mother looked at me and she said... you have to go Dani... you have to go anywhere but here... as much as i love you and dont want to loose one of my children... you ahve to go... i didnt want to believe her... so im going home... to Livonia MI... where im going to go to school and live.... hopefully peacefully. I can't take this shit anymore... as much as i dont wanna leave my family i have too... but not until paine gets better... corkys gone... and i have my head on straight... or as straight as a lesbian can get her head...
No body knows what i struggle with... because everytime i try to say it i just want to scream over myself about how much i hate the people that put their problems on me... and then i never really get to whats really bothering me...
Life's crazy when you grow up... but i have to say... Ive never been so happy in my life to be the person i am right now and the things ive accomplished... my problems are my down fall.... but you cant live in your downfall... thats not living...
Now I have to get around to looking at these Grant offers for school... I was told to take the Pale grant but now i have to find a school up north that i wantto attend and ask them if they take it... and i have to find a place around the school or something... and ill need a job which isnt going to be hard ive been working since i was young ive got plenty to offer there...
fuck this im gonna go roll one and make this go away for awhile.