Oh the work to be done.
So as all the entries I've made in the last year+ point out, I set out on this self-improvement kick about a year ago. Mixed results so far. The superficial aspects of me are changed, and for the better. This I've noted thus far. However, it became highly apparent over the last several days that there is still so much more to be done.
A conversation with one of my old professors helped me realize that I still do not truly approach life with optimism or confidence... rather, I still skirt by on the fringes of society, hoping to be discovered by somebody that would desire my company. I still do not initiate, still fear rejection and so intensely that I prefer to not try anything at all rather than fail. That's left me in an interesting purgatory where I'm only willing to work on things I'm good at, or try things that I already know I can do. I've yet to go play hockey because I'm embarrassed at how terrible a skater (and thus, player) I am. I don't approach cute girls for fear of an embarrassing rejection. I don't really meet people or make friends in general; everybody I meet comes to me.
Seriously, this shit is ridiculous. I have to break the grooves of these learned behaviors (or lack thereof?) because the comfort they provide me is far outshined by all the unknown opportunities I have squandered, ignored or rejected through the years. For all I've experienced and come to know, I've still yet to actually live. Worse yet, I have little patience for the development process. I crush myself for everything I don't do at an elite level, as though nothing is worth doing unless you're the very best at it (or damn near it). I think the flaws in such a philosophy are obvious. I got no patience for my own development process and I receive little-to-no satisfaction from my incremental improvements.
It's time to chill the fuck out and learn how to be happy with the process of growing, instead of only being satisfied with the acquisition of the original rewards I was motivated to grow for (like a relationship or what have you.) I'm still learning how, and I think it's going to take a while. If anybody has any advice or a story to share about similar experiences or efforts, seriously, I'd love to hear it.
I am a sweet, compassionate, loyal and loving human being. I deserve far better than the lot I've granted myself in life. It absolutely has to happen; for me and everybody around my small world.
A conversation with one of my old professors helped me realize that I still do not truly approach life with optimism or confidence... rather, I still skirt by on the fringes of society, hoping to be discovered by somebody that would desire my company. I still do not initiate, still fear rejection and so intensely that I prefer to not try anything at all rather than fail. That's left me in an interesting purgatory where I'm only willing to work on things I'm good at, or try things that I already know I can do. I've yet to go play hockey because I'm embarrassed at how terrible a skater (and thus, player) I am. I don't approach cute girls for fear of an embarrassing rejection. I don't really meet people or make friends in general; everybody I meet comes to me.
Seriously, this shit is ridiculous. I have to break the grooves of these learned behaviors (or lack thereof?) because the comfort they provide me is far outshined by all the unknown opportunities I have squandered, ignored or rejected through the years. For all I've experienced and come to know, I've still yet to actually live. Worse yet, I have little patience for the development process. I crush myself for everything I don't do at an elite level, as though nothing is worth doing unless you're the very best at it (or damn near it). I think the flaws in such a philosophy are obvious. I got no patience for my own development process and I receive little-to-no satisfaction from my incremental improvements.
It's time to chill the fuck out and learn how to be happy with the process of growing, instead of only being satisfied with the acquisition of the original rewards I was motivated to grow for (like a relationship or what have you.) I'm still learning how, and I think it's going to take a while. If anybody has any advice or a story to share about similar experiences or efforts, seriously, I'd love to hear it.
I am a sweet, compassionate, loyal and loving human being. I deserve far better than the lot I've granted myself in life. It absolutely has to happen; for me and everybody around my small world.