Near a year; a memoir!
It has been an extraordinarily eventful year (by that I mean for the time in between last year's breakup and today). As a man I have experienced far and away the most growth and development that I have undergone in my adult life. When Theresa left, the point came crashing home hard that I had not established enough in my life beyond my relationship; my central focus since that point has been to truly flesh out and round out my life. To that end, I have achieved the following:
I dropped from 240 pounds to a svelte 192. Between the 255 I was at and where I am now, I've lost 63 pounds and gotten in much much MUCH better shape. I've done a lot of running, but my latest love has been MMA training. I've been doing it for about 3 weeks now and have noted a definite uptick in my coordination, my cardio/energy, and also a firming up of my frame. I'm still learning how to strike, although grappling is going to begin soon also. I feel more confident (it helps to know that if somebody gives me shit that I know how to unleash some combinations), more attractive, more comfortable. Lots of plusses here.
I've made a number of new friends also, although I'd throw an asterisk up on this one: Very few of them are close to me. It's mostly a number of school friends, and 'fringe' friends who are kind of on the outskirts; I don't know much about them nor they of me. Honestly, I'm not satisfied with where this has gone and I need to do better.
I have also established a romantic interest; but this, like the above, is not fully to my satisfaction. She's an awesome girl. Very cute. Very smart; she challenges me intellectually in a way most girls don't have the faintest prayer of doing. She's the first person I've had more than a passing interest in since Theresa and I started dating, and she's the only one. To make a very long story short, I may summarize it with the following: She says all the right things and tells me a lot of things that I like to hear. WITH THAT SAID, she just got out of a confusing boyfriend situation and frankly, I can't make heads or tails of what her true motivations are. She says she's quite into me, thinks I'm sexy, appreciates my unique traits and abilities, and that she wants to be my boyfriend when she's ready etc et al... but, well, her behavior doesn't always send me that impression. She is very open and honest when we're around each other and there is a great passion/sexual tension that I have never felt around everybody else. I know she feels it too.
I would love for something to finally happen on this front. This has been a 6 month courtship dance (the bulk of which she was not single during... but I never tried to get her to cheat, tho I certainly would have succeeded in so doing on several occasions.) There is chemistry and compatibility. But I still feel like she's holding something back, beyond just escaping a mediocre relationship and not being ready. That's causing me to hold back somewhat too, and I'm tiring rapidly of being on a constant guard. The tension wears on me over time. Maybe we'll be an item in due time. Maybe something's up and the situation is ripe to implode. Perhaps it will fall somewhere in between. I think there are a fair number of good and bad endings to be had for us both. I hope we fall somewhere along the good side of things, I yearn for it, but it'd be very unrealistic to assume that that is how it will be.
I graduate in less than three weeks. I've done a lot of very good things and bad things alike in my 5 years here. I fell in love and made a short life with somebody, lost my virginity and all that good shit and fell out of love and survived it; nay, made myself much better for it. For the first time in my entire life I'm very proud of who I am and what I attempt to stand for. Grown up a lot. Still have a long way to go... but I feel like I understand a lot better now.
Unfortunately, on the down side, in the span of my 23 years I have had a whole one sexual partner... including going to Martin County High School and 5 years of UNF. 9 years of being in the pool and only one instance of anything ever actually happening; which, while a great instance and absolutely what i needed at the time, what I need now is to live and experience. And, frankly, play. I see a lot of men (by that I mean most of the ones that were birthed and live) that are beneath me doing much better on the female market. I need to play and learn how to connect with more people (girls.) In the worst way. The problem no longer is confidence; actually, at this point, I have that. I know I bring things to the table that the greater whole of the population is not capable of; and I already have it. Now it's just about finding the right spot and somebody who wants to share it. For an eager romantic like myself, there is nothing in this world more difficult than having to 'stay patient.'
I dropped from 240 pounds to a svelte 192. Between the 255 I was at and where I am now, I've lost 63 pounds and gotten in much much MUCH better shape. I've done a lot of running, but my latest love has been MMA training. I've been doing it for about 3 weeks now and have noted a definite uptick in my coordination, my cardio/energy, and also a firming up of my frame. I'm still learning how to strike, although grappling is going to begin soon also. I feel more confident (it helps to know that if somebody gives me shit that I know how to unleash some combinations), more attractive, more comfortable. Lots of plusses here.
I've made a number of new friends also, although I'd throw an asterisk up on this one: Very few of them are close to me. It's mostly a number of school friends, and 'fringe' friends who are kind of on the outskirts; I don't know much about them nor they of me. Honestly, I'm not satisfied with where this has gone and I need to do better.
I have also established a romantic interest; but this, like the above, is not fully to my satisfaction. She's an awesome girl. Very cute. Very smart; she challenges me intellectually in a way most girls don't have the faintest prayer of doing. She's the first person I've had more than a passing interest in since Theresa and I started dating, and she's the only one. To make a very long story short, I may summarize it with the following: She says all the right things and tells me a lot of things that I like to hear. WITH THAT SAID, she just got out of a confusing boyfriend situation and frankly, I can't make heads or tails of what her true motivations are. She says she's quite into me, thinks I'm sexy, appreciates my unique traits and abilities, and that she wants to be my boyfriend when she's ready etc et al... but, well, her behavior doesn't always send me that impression. She is very open and honest when we're around each other and there is a great passion/sexual tension that I have never felt around everybody else. I know she feels it too.
I would love for something to finally happen on this front. This has been a 6 month courtship dance (the bulk of which she was not single during... but I never tried to get her to cheat, tho I certainly would have succeeded in so doing on several occasions.) There is chemistry and compatibility. But I still feel like she's holding something back, beyond just escaping a mediocre relationship and not being ready. That's causing me to hold back somewhat too, and I'm tiring rapidly of being on a constant guard. The tension wears on me over time. Maybe we'll be an item in due time. Maybe something's up and the situation is ripe to implode. Perhaps it will fall somewhere in between. I think there are a fair number of good and bad endings to be had for us both. I hope we fall somewhere along the good side of things, I yearn for it, but it'd be very unrealistic to assume that that is how it will be.
I graduate in less than three weeks. I've done a lot of very good things and bad things alike in my 5 years here. I fell in love and made a short life with somebody, lost my virginity and all that good shit and fell out of love and survived it; nay, made myself much better for it. For the first time in my entire life I'm very proud of who I am and what I attempt to stand for. Grown up a lot. Still have a long way to go... but I feel like I understand a lot better now.
Unfortunately, on the down side, in the span of my 23 years I have had a whole one sexual partner... including going to Martin County High School and 5 years of UNF. 9 years of being in the pool and only one instance of anything ever actually happening; which, while a great instance and absolutely what i needed at the time, what I need now is to live and experience. And, frankly, play. I see a lot of men (by that I mean most of the ones that were birthed and live) that are beneath me doing much better on the female market. I need to play and learn how to connect with more people (girls.) In the worst way. The problem no longer is confidence; actually, at this point, I have that. I know I bring things to the table that the greater whole of the population is not capable of; and I already have it. Now it's just about finding the right spot and somebody who wants to share it. For an eager romantic like myself, there is nothing in this world more difficult than having to 'stay patient.'