Fear
An emotion I've become quite familiar with lately is fear. I find myself these days to be very, very afraid about an increasingly large number of things. Essentially, for the past month, I've been sorting through the wreckage of the life I've lead thus far. I'm looking for the things that are worth keeping and that which must be improved, and it's been the most difficult task I've ever undertaken... that is, facing myself. What I find is that my own life is inadequate to me. Things about me are inadequate. They say that to whom great gifts have been given, so too come great expectations. I've been given great gifts, and I've never once met or exceeded expectations as an adult. When I see how much joy and beauty I'm capable of producing, for myself and others, and how much I actually bring about, I feel great shame. I've run and hidden from the world for so long... just withdrawn into this little shell, too afraid to peer out. Now I don't know how to function around others anymore. I fear that the person I am is not worth anybody's time, that I cannot possibly be of value to anyone else as much as I need them. What, honestly, do I have to offer? I can think of a few things; kindness, loyalty, and love. But that's really about it. I really don't even think that's good enough these days; people want fun. I have let all my friendships drift away and stagnate. They no longer even function to the extent that you can call them friendships. At this point, I feel like I have 3 friends, and that's it. All are female, one's an ex. They have brought me the only periods of relief and respite from myself in this tumultuous time for me... and I can't thank them enough for it.
There is an inevitable conflict coming, and I have to face it, uncomfortable though it makes me: I need to grow up and become a man. Parts of me are already there; much of me is not. I am not driven enough, hardworking enough, strong or independent enough to make it yet. I'm exceptional at conflict resolution and very good at holding myself accountable for the mistakes and faults I have... but I have so much left to learn. I've always had a lot of quit in me, and when I look at how daunting the list of tasks is that I feel I must complete, it makes me want to give up. To scrape by with a bare minimum of effort like I always have my whole life. Accept my weakness and the fate attached to it, a fate of numb happiness interspersed with a depressed misery. But then, that's what has led me to this place of innate dissatisfaction in the first place; Now I look up from my lazy haze, and I feel like there's not a single part of my life or myself that I'm content with. It's all gone. I fear I'll never get the feeling of contentedness back... that I'll never conquer the demons that I can't seem to chase long-term.
Right now, right here, at this juncture of my life, I have enough motivation and dissatisfaction to push myself to a higher level of performance as a human being. I have the desire to improve the parts of me that are weak, to bolster those that are strong, and turn myself into a better person. But the fear I can't shake is this: I've felt this way before. This willpower to improve has always been present within me, but it has never been stronger than my contended, lazy, bare-minimum mindset for long. Today it is. It has been for a few weeks. Usually, that's when it stops and I go back to the bare-minimum. So far it hasn't happened... but I fear that it'll come back. Fear.
There is an inevitable conflict coming, and I have to face it, uncomfortable though it makes me: I need to grow up and become a man. Parts of me are already there; much of me is not. I am not driven enough, hardworking enough, strong or independent enough to make it yet. I'm exceptional at conflict resolution and very good at holding myself accountable for the mistakes and faults I have... but I have so much left to learn. I've always had a lot of quit in me, and when I look at how daunting the list of tasks is that I feel I must complete, it makes me want to give up. To scrape by with a bare minimum of effort like I always have my whole life. Accept my weakness and the fate attached to it, a fate of numb happiness interspersed with a depressed misery. But then, that's what has led me to this place of innate dissatisfaction in the first place; Now I look up from my lazy haze, and I feel like there's not a single part of my life or myself that I'm content with. It's all gone. I fear I'll never get the feeling of contentedness back... that I'll never conquer the demons that I can't seem to chase long-term.
Right now, right here, at this juncture of my life, I have enough motivation and dissatisfaction to push myself to a higher level of performance as a human being. I have the desire to improve the parts of me that are weak, to bolster those that are strong, and turn myself into a better person. But the fear I can't shake is this: I've felt this way before. This willpower to improve has always been present within me, but it has never been stronger than my contended, lazy, bare-minimum mindset for long. Today it is. It has been for a few weeks. Usually, that's when it stops and I go back to the bare-minimum. So far it hasn't happened... but I fear that it'll come back. Fear.