Depressed
I fucked up, really bad this time. I talked to my attorney today, and if things dont go just right, not only will I be locked up, but the simple fact that I am almost 18 means that they might try me as an adult, and I will end up in jail, like real adult jail. I am so scared. Noone in my family knows this, I dont want them to know that I am scared, I am the protector, and the one that helps them with thier fears. But I have never been more scared in my entire life. All I want to do is end this shit. I dont want to be alive anymore. I dont want to go to jail while I am 17 years old. I am still a fucking kid. I feel bad, I really do, but what was I expected to do. If I cant stand up for myself, what can I do. Its not like I could have hurt her, or WOULD HAVE hurt her. I just wanted her to be scared of me cause I am so fucking scared of her. She is like 3 times my size, with one back hand to my face, she could have broken my jaw. I just want her to leave my sister alone. Why am I such a fucking moron. I dont want my mom to have to go through this shit either, or anyone else. My sister thinks that this is her fault, and its not. It is mine, I didnt have to have that knife, but I didnt want to get hurt. I dont know. I am just going crazy right now, but I have noone to talk to, there is noone that will listen, except my mom, and she has enough problems as it is. FUUUUUUCK. I just like want to cry, but I cant, cause then people will be asking me why Im crying, and why Im depressed. I dont want them to worry about me. I just want them to understand that I am not as "strong" as I put out. I play it off really well, but, it just doesnt work all the time. I think that I am gonna take off, cause people are walking around me, and trying to check out what I am writing. Bye all. I know this is a cheasy request, but please pray for me, and my family. I know it sounds lame, but to me it is not. Thank you all so much.
~James~
~James~