AkuRoku Day Fic Dump
One forty seven in the morning, and I’m out of bed, putting my pants on, and rubbing sleep out of my eyes. Why, you ask? Well, because someone’s knocking on the door of my shitty little apartment, and doesn’t seem to want to give up. So yes, I’m opening the door at one forty seven in the morning, and chances are it’s Demyx, looking for a place to crash, yet again. I love the kid to death, but it’s like he doesn’t know how to show up at a respectable hour.
So when I open the door - shirtless, might I add - expecting Demyx, you can’t blame me for yelling ‘Fuck!’ and practically falling over when I see some lady in hysterics with a police officer behind her. I’m not a criminal or anything, but I’m a twenty one year old living in a total shithole. Yes, I’ve got one or two reasons to fear the cops at my door.
The sobbing lady lunges forward and grabs me by the shoulders before I even have time to say anything. The officer makes a motion to try and pull her off me, but she swats him away. I recognize her now, and I’m overcome with an urge to shove her off me and slam the door in her face. And I would have done it too, if not for what she said next.
“He’s gone! Roxas… he’s… my baby… he’s gone!” She bursts into a fresh round of tears, and my heart stops.
It doesn’t restart again until she starts weakly hitting my chest with her balled-up fists. “Give… give him back.” She mutters. “GIVE HIM BACK!”
Alright, so freeze-frame for a second, and let me tell you what I know. Roxas used to be my boyfriend, until his mom, the hysterical lady currently intent on waking up the whole building, forbid him to see me. The kid was only seventeen, and she said I was a dirty, gay, pedophile-rapist or something like that. She hates me, and I haven’t seen Roxas since. That was two months ago.
So anyway, hit ‘PLAY’ again, and this lady is still screaming at me to “give him back”, and I can only assume she means Roxas.
I pull her off me. Even at this hour of the day, I’m stronger than a hysterical woman. Not to mention that the very act of her saying his name jolted me completely awake. I look her straight in the eye. “Look, lady, I don’t have Ro… your kid.” She just looks at me blankly.
“‘Calendar Girl’.” She says. Man, this lady is just crazy! I have no clue where she’s trying to go with any of this, and it’s way too early for crazy shit like this to be happening to me anyway. I need a smoke.
So I tell her so. I tell her “Hold on, I need a smoke.” And she just gives me this look like I slapped her in the face or something. We’re both quiet for a few seconds, then she snaps again. “My son, my only son is missing, and all you can think about is smoking? That’s it?!”
Woah.
Something kinda just… clicked in my head when she said that. My mouth got all dried up, and my chest felt really constricted. Like I couldn’t breathe, or swallow. “He’s missing?” I whisper. She nods slowly, as if she were just realizing it too. Dazed silence.
She’s pushed me back into my apartment by now, but the cop is still standing outside the doorway. I motion for them to come in and sit at the scratched up card table I call a dinning table. They guy looks around once or twice, but the lady just flops into the folding chair like a broken rag-doll. I grab the lighter and packet of cigarettes off the counter, lighting up before dropping them on the table. I have to stand, because I only have two chairs.
So there we are, me and my ex-boyfriend’s mother who hates me smoking, sitting in silence with an uncomfortable-looking armed officer when I remember something she said. “‘Calendar Girl’?” I ask. She nods, digging into her pocket and pulling out a carefully folded piece of notebook paper. Written on it in all-too familiar handwriting are the words ‘Calendar Girl’. That’s it. “This is all?” She nods. “That’s all he left me.”
It sounds vaguely familiar to me, but I can’t place it. Like when you’ve got a word right on the tip of your tongue, but you just don’t know what it is. “Do you know what it means?” I shake my head ‘no’. She looks disappointed. We sit in silence a few minutes longer.
“Why’d you come to me? I mean, why not one of his other friends? Hayner, Pence…” I trail off. She looks at me, straight in the eyes. It’s creepy. “Because he talks about you. He talks about you all the time, and he hasn’t talked the same way to me since…” She trails off, but we both know what she means to say. “Oh.” My head hurts… my chest hurts. I thought he’d forget about me.
So with the renewed sense of determination of a guy who just found out the ex-boyfriend he’s been pinning over still missed him and was in need of his help, Axel resumed thinking about the note. ‘Calendar Girl’… ‘Calendar Girl’! “Wait right here.” He told his two “guests” as he ran into the next room.
He came out with a cardboard box so full it looked like it was going to fall apart very soon. With an “umph”, he dropped the box on the table, not caring about the lighter or cigarettes underneath it. He got a confused look from the mother, and answered her unspoken question. “It’s my Roxas-box.”
He didn’t notice the startled look on either her or the cop’s face, because of the pain in his chest. Just saying the kid’s name physically hurt him. “Yeah. Anyway, that ‘Calendar Girl’ thing sounds oddly familiar.” She nodded.
Axel began looking through the box for clues. Movie stubs, bus tickets, books, CD’s, comic books… he skimmed book summaries, read track names, tried to remember things about plotless films they had seen together… Looking at all the items he had collected just made him want to curl up in a ball and scream, or cry, or do anything but continue this masochistic search, but he persisted. He didn’t find anything until he was almost at the bottom.
“Yes!” Everyone looked at him in shock. In his hands, he held a CD: ‘Set Yourself On Fire’, by Stars. “It’s that CD of fairy-music he gave me once. Never my thing you see, but he was trying to convince me…” He stopped talking when he saw the looks he was getting. Instead, he just handed the lady the CD.
1. Your Ex-Lover Is Dead
2. Set Yourself On Fire
3. Ageless Beauty
4. Reunion
5. The Big Fight
6. What I’m Trying To Say
7. One More Night(Your Ex-Lover Remains Dead)
8. Sleep Tonight
9. The First Five Times
10. He Lied About Death
11. Celebration Guns
12. Soft Revolution
13. Calendar Girl
She handed the CD back to him with an expectant look on her face, and he dug his laptop out from under a heap of dirty laundry. The time it took to boot-up and load the CD passed by agonizingly slowly, but soon Amy Millan’s voice flooded the space.
If I am lost for a day; try to find me
But if I don't come back, then I won't look behind me
All of the things that I thought were so easy
Just got harder and harder each day
December is darkest and June is the light
But this empty bedroom won't make anything right
While out on the landing a friend I forgot to send home
Who waits up for me all through the night.
When the first verse finished, Axel hit the space bar to pause the music. The kid’s mom wasn’t the only one about to cry. You have to wait forty-eight hours before filing a missing persons report with the police, don’t you?
He broke the silence. “How long?” She thinks, checks her watch, thinks again. “Eleven and a half hours.” I look at her, slightly confused, and wondering when the whole forty eight-hour policy had gone out of style. She seemed to understand. “This is Adam, my neighbor. He insisted on coming with me for… safety reasons.” Adam, as I now knew he was called, gave me a hard look. I see, I thought to myself. She’s afraid or me or something, so she brought muscle-head to keep me in line. My dislike for her grows. I put the music back on.
Calendar girl who's in love with the world Stay alive
Calendar Girl who's in love with the world Stay alive
I dreamed I was dying; as I so often do
And when I awoke I was sure it was true
I ran to the window; threw my head to the sky
And said whoever is up there, please don't let me die.
But I can't live forever, I can't always be
One day I'll be sand on a beach by a sea
The pages keep turning, I'll mark off each day with a cross
And I'll laugh about all that we've lost.
The song continues on in the background, but we start talking over it. This time it’s the cop who speaks first. He’s looking at me: “What do you think it means?” Well, that’s the million-dollar question, isn’t it? Through the whole song, I’ve been picking up on things, and stringing them together. Nothing definite though.
“Hear me out until the end, okay?” They both nod. “I think…” I take a deep breath. “I think Roxas is gone because he’s trying to get over… me.” She opens her mouth to speak, but I speak sooner. “I think he thought it would be easier to forget me than it turned out to be,” Yeah, that’s what I thought too, kid. “And I think he wants you to know he’ll be okay. Like, he’s not going to kill himself or anything stupid like that.” The officer’s face darkens, but hers looks as though a huge weight was just taken off her shoulders.
“They mentioned the beach in the song.” She says. “Do you think he’s there?” No, no I don’t. “Maybe.” I shrug. “I’ll go there now.” I just nod. I’m extremely relieved to see her and her burly friend walk out and rive off.
As soon as I lose sight of their taillights, I slump down on the floor and let out a huge breath I didn’t know I was holding. It’s just a little past two a.m., and I’m just wondering how. the. fuck. I got dragged into something like this already. And what his mom had said about… about him missing me. About him talking about me. God, did I ever miss that kid.
I collected myself as quickly as I could; I hate being a blubbery mess. Not that I cried, mind you. No, I didn’t cry. But I was about to.
I put on some decent pants, and grabbed a shirt out of the Roxas-box. Taking the CD with me, I set out to go find the kid. “I’m coming for you, Roxas.” I whispered into the darkness.
I sat in my car, thinking about where I was most likely to find him, playing the song on repeat, and sniffing the musty box-scent of my fairly neglected Foo Fighters T-shirt. The song talked about the beach. Well, that ruled out the actual beach, towards which his mother was now speeding. Too obvious.
So then I started thinking about everything he had ever told me about the beach. He loved it there. I can’t count the number of times I brought him… There were probably only two places he liked more. Well, it used to be three. The clock tower, his grandparent’s place in France, and my apartment. Be sand on a beach by the sea. I decide that these are my best bets. Now, I can rule off one, maybe two of them, because I know he’s not at my place, and I don’t see how he could manage to get to France without anyone finding out. Then again, he was a pretty damn clever kid.
Clock tower. It’s this huge clock in the center of town, and the two of us used hang out up there a lot. He liked the view. It was pretty amazing. You could see the whole town, the tram making its never-ending rounds, all the way up to the water he so loved. The sunsets were pretty breathtaking too.
I drive way too fast through the small streets to get there, and when I do, I leave my car - still idling - “parked” on the sidewalk. My lungs are burning ‘cause I’m a smoker, and smokers were never meant to sprint up so many stairs, but I keep going. I just have this feeling like he’ll be up there. I’m not thinking about what I’ll do if I find him or what I’ll say, I’m just concentrated on getting there, and getting the kid.
When I got up there and realized he wasn’t there, I was just about ready to fling myself off that fucking tower.
Honestly, you have no. clue. how it felt to realize he wasn’t actually there. I was so sure he’d be there. Just… I wanted to lie down and not get back up. I wanted to give up.
And then it started to rain.
Oh yeah, that was the icing on top of the cake. So who can blame me? I gave up. I got in the car and headed towards home. That boy had broken my heart one too many times, and at the time, it didn’t look like he wanted me to find him. Fine by me.
It was pouring, and I wondered briefly how his mom was doing out on the beach with muscle-head Adam, or if maybe she had given up on him too. In the time it takes to get from parking lot to door, I’m drenched.
_________________________________________________________________________________________
Calendar Girl - Chapter 2
It was pouring, and I wondered briefly how his mom was doing out on the beach with muscle-head Adam, or if maybe she’s given up on him too. In the time it takes to get from parking lot to door, I’m drenched.
So I’m pushing open the door to my apartment, which I apparently forgot to lock in my haste to get out, when I hear some kind of noise inside. I don’t see any odd cars in the lot, so either Demyx actually did show up, or someone from the building broke in. Wouldn’t really surprise me; this place is filled with whack jobs.
I feel pretty safe going in. I’m strong enough, and my umbrella’s leaning on the wall right next to the door. If need be, I have that as a weapon. Call me reckless.
Well… nothing could have prepared me for this.
He’s sitting on my fucking couch. Roxas. He’s just… there! As if nothing had ever happened. As if this was just any one of those days when he’d come over unannounced. Like… nothing had ever changed between us.
“You kept all the stuff.” He says calmly, motioning towards the empty box surrounded by its former contents. I don’t even know what to say to that. He’s actually… here. Right. Here.
“R… Roxas.” I whisper, still not sure if this is all entirely real. If it isn’t, then I’d sure as hell like to live in the dream a bit longer.
You know… for the first time in a long time, it’s not hurting me to say that name.
“Roxas. Roxas, Roxas, Roxas, Roxas…” I repeat it over and over again, like a mantra. He just gives me a bemused little smirk. God. I missed him.
He comes over and kisses me, and my eyes fall shut and my fingers snake into his hair, and I’m just pulling him closer, closer, closer, because this is real. Real.
“Missed me?” He whispers, out foreheads pressed together. I don’t even know how to answer that. I remember every agonizing second of my two months sans-Roxas all too well. “Only if you did.” I whisper back. He looks at my eyes and knows what I mean, because the next kiss is like an apology.
“Calendar girl?” I ask the next time he pulls back. He smiles. “You found me, didn’t you?” I swallow the growing lump in my throat as I think about how I found him after abandoning my search. “You left too quickly though. I was waiting for my mom to leave, but you were gone before I could even climb all the stairs up to this dump.” He flops back down on my ancient couch and sighs. “Man, I missed it here.”
For some reason, this makes me thing of his mother, and I frown. “Call your mom. She’s probably still combing the beach for you.” I toss my cell phone at him. He looks angry, betrayed. Like he wasn’t expecting me to say any of that. Probably wasn’t. “What?” I ask. “Did you honestly think I’d keep you here and leave your poor mother to think she drove off her only son?” He scowls. “She did.” Man, I even missed that naïve, childish behavior of his.
“Don’t care. Call.” I join him on the couch, and he leans against me, looking at my phone with hatred. I grab it from him and dial. I had him put his mom’s cell number in my phone, so I’d be able to screen her angry hate calls telling me to bring her kid home. He looks at me in disbelief. “If you don’t tell her, I will.” I threaten.
He looks really panicked. I feel back doing this to him, but had his mom found out first, I would have wanted her to call me. I doubt she would have, but it’s always worth trying to be the better person. When he hears the ringing noise, he actually tries to bolt, but I’m faster than him, and stronger too. I’ve got him pinned in my lap with my arms wrapped around his waist, phone balancing in the crook of my neck.
“Hello? Yes, it’s Axel. He’s here.” Roxas blanched and went still when she said she would be right over. I hung up, and Roxas looked up at me pleadingly, begging me with his eyes to do something. This time, it’s my turn to give the apology kiss. He rejects it by turning his face sideways, and giving me a mouthful of hair.
“Why’d you leave?” I asked. I had to know. “I missed you, you jerk.” My heart skips a beat. “You’re almost eighteen. Couldn’t you have waited?” That had been bugging me. “No.” He says simply. I give him a little squeeze-hug to show my appreciation. “She was sending me to college in Radiant Garden.” He adds. My heart plummets to my stomach, and for a moment, I regret having called his mother.
He’s looking up at me again, like he’s trying to tell me that there’s still time to run. But there isn’t, and I know that. He does too. I hold him tight, and kiss the top of his head. Don’t worry.” I whisper into his hair. “Don’t worry.” I wish I was more convinced myself. “Yeah.” He whispers back.
“God, this is one hell of a day, huh?” I check my watch. “And it’s not even three a.m. yet.” I shove him off me, and he falls sideways on the cushions. “I need a smoke.” I offer in way of excuse. He pouts. Fucking adorable. My cigarettes and lighter are still under the mostly emptied Roxas-box. I put all the stuff back in, then drop it to the floor.
I light up and head back to the couch, and Roxas gives me this look that I’ve so missed. I know exactly what he wants. Taking a deep drag of my cigarette, I hold it far enough away from me for him to lean in and kiss me. He always had a thing for getting shotguns, and I wasn’t averse to giving them. Not to him, anyway. We leaned back and just sat there quietly, waiting for whatever was coming.
I almost inhaled a mouthful of smoke when I heard the manic knocking on my door.
Roxas looked at me, I looked at him. We shared a brief kiss, then I got up to open the door. He stayed where he was. When I opened the door and she saw him just sitting there all nonchalant and what, she reacted kinda like I did. She just stood there, staring at him. Much quicker recovery time than mine though.
“Roxas! Oh my God, Roxas! My baby!” She ran forward and hugged him so hard I’m pretty sure I heard some of his bones snap. She was about as hysterical as she had been when she first showed up at my door.
She finally let him go, and held him at arms length from herself, inspecting him. She frowned. “You smell like smoke.” She turns an angry glare in my direction. Jeez, thanks for the gratitude, lady. Roxas just shrugs. “Shotgun.” Her eyes go wide, like she’s coming up with all the worst-case scenarios for what that could mean.
She grabs his hand, sends one more nasty look my way, and starts pulling him towards the door. He resists, digging his heels into my dirty, threadbare carpet. “No.” He says simply. She turns, looking at him in disbelief. I kind of pity her, actually. She honestly didn’t seem to get why he wouldn’t want to go. This must be tough on her.
“Rox…” The name dies in her throat. “No.” He repeats, more forceful this time. He pulls his hand away from her. She looks to be on the verge of tears again. He takes a step back and grabs my hand. I have no clue where he’s going with this. “I’m staying here, mom.” He says. That sends her over the edge, crying all over again.
“Roxas… why?” She pleads, grabbing his other hand with hers, and pressing it against her cheek. His stern face falters for a moment, and I wonder how much longer he can keep doing this to her. Breaking her heart, I mean. I know firsthand that he’s pretty damn good at it, and that it’s fucking painful. He squeezes my hand, and I squeeze back. “I’m sorry, Mom.” He says gently, but he doesn’t sound like he means it.
She steps closer, hugging him desperately. He doesn’t drop my hand, but his other arm slowly wraps around her back. She sobs into his shoulder. “Please,” She chokes out. “Don’t do this. Just come home, Roxas.” He lifts her away from him slowly, looking her straight in the eye. “You did this. We did this.” She looks at him, completely broken now.
I need to do something.
“Go with her, Rox.” The two of them turn on me. One wears a mixed look of surprise, confusion, and gratitude, the other a mask of pain, betrayal, and hurt. “We’ll go back to how things used to be.” I squeeze his hand.
He doesn’t squeeze back.
I step forward and hold him close to me, my chin resting on the crown of his head. His mother steps back and stares at us. “It’s okay, Rox. Don’t worry. I’ll always be here for you, but you can’t do this to her. She’s your mom. There’s always space for you here, you know that, but I can share.” He relaxes a little against me. “You can stay here a few days to cool off, how’s that?” He stiffens again, then relaxes. “You have the key to this dump, come over whenever for however long. Open invite, but you can’t not go home, Rox. It’s still your family.” I look him in the eyes now. “How’s that?” He swallows heavily and nods.
I step back, and he hugs his mom, placing a quick kiss on her tear-stained cheek. “I’ll come back.” He promises. She nods, and walks off without another word. I don’t think she has any words left in her.
The silence stretches between us, but it’s not an angry silence, or an uncomfortable one. It’s soft. It’s natural. I break it with a heavy yawn.
“Dammit Rox, it’s three a.m. I’m going to bed. Join or not, but keep quiet about it, would you?” I shoot him a smile, because he knows I’m not angry. Just sleepy. He smiles back, taking my hand and joining me. This is how it’s supposed to be, I think. This is right.
There was a bag with clothes for him and a toothbrush in it at my door by the time we woke up.
______________________________________________________________________________
20 Things
20 Things That Remind Me Way Too Much Of Roxas:
1- Fresh-cut grass (he said he liked the way it smelled once)
2- Keys (well, isn’t that obvious?)
3- The number 13 (again, very obvious)
4- Large bodies of water (they’re like the color of his eyes
5- The sky (Sora…)
6- Sand (he always loved the beach)
7- Gel pens (now there’s a funny story…)
8- Chocolate bars with almonds (those were his favorites)
9- Coffee (he always said that stuff was disgusting)
10- Hotel elevators (they always skip from floors 12 to 14)
11- Popsicles (like that gross sea-salt stuff we always ate together)
12- Fire (which sucks, seeing as how that stuff’s a big part of my life…)
13- I was tempted to hotel elevator this number
14- Birds (they’re so free he used to say. But still confined to the sky. See above)
15- Flutes (One time at band camp…)
16- Marbles (like that shiny blue bauble he had)
17- Trains and trolleys (I know all about the wonders of Twilight Town)
18- Lists (he used to make one for everything in his head)
19- Arguments (we never got into a serious one)
20- Hearts (he took mine with him.)
________________________________________________________________________-
How Beautiful You Are(warning: depressing)
His skin looks so beautiful in the moonlight, drenched in its own blood.
I would attack him time again, cut him open, strip his flesh to ribbons every night just to see him like this. Gorgeous. His cloak is already gone, I ripped that off long ago, and down his chest run rivers of life, life, life.
“Why, Roxas?” He pants out, and oh, how I love the sound of his labored breathing in the still night. So finite. So beautiful.
“Axel.” I loathe the sound of my voice but beg for the sound of your name; what a contradiction I am. You don’t seem to register anything anymore. You reach for me, a blind man reaching for the sun, not knowing that it’s already night.
My weapons stay firm in my grasp, but I allow myself to fall into yours, feeling the blood I so adore soaking into my shirt and sticking to my skin. My clean, unmarred skin. I wonder if you still know who I am, lost as you are.
Your weak hands claw their way up my back and into my hair, staining it, matting it down, desperately grasping for purchase on your slippery slope. You find none with me. Not anymore.
“Roxas.” It’s more of a choke than a whisper. I so loathe the sound of my name but beg for the sound of your voice.
“Roxas.” Your words are blood to my shoulder, you bleed all over me, staining me with yourself in a way so intimate and so unfamiliar I almost fear it.
I kiss the blood off your mouth, clean your throat and neck with long, languid strokes of my tongue, spread the mess over your torso like a second shirt with my hands. You will never know how beautiful you are to me.
As you fall, I watch the light fade from your eyes and the darkness spiral around you, pulling you away, fading you away.
You will never know how beautiful you are to me.
__________________________________________________________________________
I Never Forgot(warning: semi-depressing)
“You told me you’d remember, Rox. You told me. You promised.” Axel is sobbing, but the boy is unconscious. He hears nothing. “You… you said… you said that even if you forgot everything, everything, Rox… you said you’d remember me. Remember… remember my name, and… and the way I kissed you and the way I felt against you… you promised me, Rox.” He breathed heavily, watching it come out as steam.
“Roxas.” At the sound of his name, the blonde’s eyelids flutter. Axel’s breath catches.
“A… Axel?” His voice is small and quiet, breaking at his first attempt at speech. Axel looks down on him expectantly. He waits for recognition to flash across those sapphire blue orbs.
“I… I remember you.”
Axel grins spitefully at the boy’s last words, watches like a broken man as the light leaves his eyes.
“I never… forgot.”
_______________________________________________________________
Letters
God, watching you two together, I sometimes wonder how the world was ever able to spin without you in it. It’s like, seeing you with each other makes me believe that we do have hearts. I’m glad for you, Axel. Glad that you found Roxas. You deserve him. I’d say more, but I’m only the first one to sign this card, and I don’t want anyone reading all the embarrassing things I have to say about you. I’m a great friend, right? Haha, I know.
::heart:: Demyx
I’ve gotta say, you and Blondie are pretty cute. Like Fire and the Mouse. Treat him right though, Ax, or I may just make a move on him. Heh, just kidding. He’s not my type, I prefer men over boys. Maybe you’ll join me? Eh, whatever. Flower Power’s threatening to turn my room into a jungle again if I keep at it.
~Savage Nymph ;-*
Axel… Just promise you’ll let me do the flowers at the wedding, alright?
~Marluxia
You’ve done well for yourselves, VIII, XIII. Don’t let it get to your heads. I wish you much “happiness”.
-VI
Be happy.
-Lexeaus
You two make a cute couple. You’re sort of a pedo though, Ax. Can’t say I blame you though dude! Man, if you weren’t with the kid, I swear I’d make a move on him myself. Too bad you are…
-Freeshootah
I’d love to see what all the fuss you make over him is about, VIII. Strip poker at seven?
~Luxord
Perhaps now you see what drives us to do the things we do? You should well be able to see that it isn’t emotion, but it’s certainly something. Don’t let that something get away from you.
-Xaldin
This is foolishness. I simply comply with your demands because the Superior has agreed to also. Your “relationship” with XIII is pointless, and doomed to failure.
-Saïx
Though I do not believe that we have hearts, I also do not believe that emotions are solely tied to the heart. They have strong roots within the mind.
~Vexen
You two are the perfect example of why we strive towards Kingdom Hearts.
-Superior
So when I open the door - shirtless, might I add - expecting Demyx, you can’t blame me for yelling ‘Fuck!’ and practically falling over when I see some lady in hysterics with a police officer behind her. I’m not a criminal or anything, but I’m a twenty one year old living in a total shithole. Yes, I’ve got one or two reasons to fear the cops at my door.
The sobbing lady lunges forward and grabs me by the shoulders before I even have time to say anything. The officer makes a motion to try and pull her off me, but she swats him away. I recognize her now, and I’m overcome with an urge to shove her off me and slam the door in her face. And I would have done it too, if not for what she said next.
“He’s gone! Roxas… he’s… my baby… he’s gone!” She bursts into a fresh round of tears, and my heart stops.
It doesn’t restart again until she starts weakly hitting my chest with her balled-up fists. “Give… give him back.” She mutters. “GIVE HIM BACK!”
Alright, so freeze-frame for a second, and let me tell you what I know. Roxas used to be my boyfriend, until his mom, the hysterical lady currently intent on waking up the whole building, forbid him to see me. The kid was only seventeen, and she said I was a dirty, gay, pedophile-rapist or something like that. She hates me, and I haven’t seen Roxas since. That was two months ago.
So anyway, hit ‘PLAY’ again, and this lady is still screaming at me to “give him back”, and I can only assume she means Roxas.
I pull her off me. Even at this hour of the day, I’m stronger than a hysterical woman. Not to mention that the very act of her saying his name jolted me completely awake. I look her straight in the eye. “Look, lady, I don’t have Ro… your kid.” She just looks at me blankly.
“‘Calendar Girl’.” She says. Man, this lady is just crazy! I have no clue where she’s trying to go with any of this, and it’s way too early for crazy shit like this to be happening to me anyway. I need a smoke.
So I tell her so. I tell her “Hold on, I need a smoke.” And she just gives me this look like I slapped her in the face or something. We’re both quiet for a few seconds, then she snaps again. “My son, my only son is missing, and all you can think about is smoking? That’s it?!”
Woah.
Something kinda just… clicked in my head when she said that. My mouth got all dried up, and my chest felt really constricted. Like I couldn’t breathe, or swallow. “He’s missing?” I whisper. She nods slowly, as if she were just realizing it too. Dazed silence.
She’s pushed me back into my apartment by now, but the cop is still standing outside the doorway. I motion for them to come in and sit at the scratched up card table I call a dinning table. They guy looks around once or twice, but the lady just flops into the folding chair like a broken rag-doll. I grab the lighter and packet of cigarettes off the counter, lighting up before dropping them on the table. I have to stand, because I only have two chairs.
So there we are, me and my ex-boyfriend’s mother who hates me smoking, sitting in silence with an uncomfortable-looking armed officer when I remember something she said. “‘Calendar Girl’?” I ask. She nods, digging into her pocket and pulling out a carefully folded piece of notebook paper. Written on it in all-too familiar handwriting are the words ‘Calendar Girl’. That’s it. “This is all?” She nods. “That’s all he left me.”
It sounds vaguely familiar to me, but I can’t place it. Like when you’ve got a word right on the tip of your tongue, but you just don’t know what it is. “Do you know what it means?” I shake my head ‘no’. She looks disappointed. We sit in silence a few minutes longer.
“Why’d you come to me? I mean, why not one of his other friends? Hayner, Pence…” I trail off. She looks at me, straight in the eyes. It’s creepy. “Because he talks about you. He talks about you all the time, and he hasn’t talked the same way to me since…” She trails off, but we both know what she means to say. “Oh.” My head hurts… my chest hurts. I thought he’d forget about me.
So with the renewed sense of determination of a guy who just found out the ex-boyfriend he’s been pinning over still missed him and was in need of his help, Axel resumed thinking about the note. ‘Calendar Girl’… ‘Calendar Girl’! “Wait right here.” He told his two “guests” as he ran into the next room.
He came out with a cardboard box so full it looked like it was going to fall apart very soon. With an “umph”, he dropped the box on the table, not caring about the lighter or cigarettes underneath it. He got a confused look from the mother, and answered her unspoken question. “It’s my Roxas-box.”
He didn’t notice the startled look on either her or the cop’s face, because of the pain in his chest. Just saying the kid’s name physically hurt him. “Yeah. Anyway, that ‘Calendar Girl’ thing sounds oddly familiar.” She nodded.
Axel began looking through the box for clues. Movie stubs, bus tickets, books, CD’s, comic books… he skimmed book summaries, read track names, tried to remember things about plotless films they had seen together… Looking at all the items he had collected just made him want to curl up in a ball and scream, or cry, or do anything but continue this masochistic search, but he persisted. He didn’t find anything until he was almost at the bottom.
“Yes!” Everyone looked at him in shock. In his hands, he held a CD: ‘Set Yourself On Fire’, by Stars. “It’s that CD of fairy-music he gave me once. Never my thing you see, but he was trying to convince me…” He stopped talking when he saw the looks he was getting. Instead, he just handed the lady the CD.
1. Your Ex-Lover Is Dead
2. Set Yourself On Fire
3. Ageless Beauty
4. Reunion
5. The Big Fight
6. What I’m Trying To Say
7. One More Night(Your Ex-Lover Remains Dead)
8. Sleep Tonight
9. The First Five Times
10. He Lied About Death
11. Celebration Guns
12. Soft Revolution
13. Calendar Girl
She handed the CD back to him with an expectant look on her face, and he dug his laptop out from under a heap of dirty laundry. The time it took to boot-up and load the CD passed by agonizingly slowly, but soon Amy Millan’s voice flooded the space.
If I am lost for a day; try to find me
But if I don't come back, then I won't look behind me
All of the things that I thought were so easy
Just got harder and harder each day
December is darkest and June is the light
But this empty bedroom won't make anything right
While out on the landing a friend I forgot to send home
Who waits up for me all through the night.
When the first verse finished, Axel hit the space bar to pause the music. The kid’s mom wasn’t the only one about to cry. You have to wait forty-eight hours before filing a missing persons report with the police, don’t you?
He broke the silence. “How long?” She thinks, checks her watch, thinks again. “Eleven and a half hours.” I look at her, slightly confused, and wondering when the whole forty eight-hour policy had gone out of style. She seemed to understand. “This is Adam, my neighbor. He insisted on coming with me for… safety reasons.” Adam, as I now knew he was called, gave me a hard look. I see, I thought to myself. She’s afraid or me or something, so she brought muscle-head to keep me in line. My dislike for her grows. I put the music back on.
Calendar girl who's in love with the world Stay alive
Calendar Girl who's in love with the world Stay alive
I dreamed I was dying; as I so often do
And when I awoke I was sure it was true
I ran to the window; threw my head to the sky
And said whoever is up there, please don't let me die.
But I can't live forever, I can't always be
One day I'll be sand on a beach by a sea
The pages keep turning, I'll mark off each day with a cross
And I'll laugh about all that we've lost.
The song continues on in the background, but we start talking over it. This time it’s the cop who speaks first. He’s looking at me: “What do you think it means?” Well, that’s the million-dollar question, isn’t it? Through the whole song, I’ve been picking up on things, and stringing them together. Nothing definite though.
“Hear me out until the end, okay?” They both nod. “I think…” I take a deep breath. “I think Roxas is gone because he’s trying to get over… me.” She opens her mouth to speak, but I speak sooner. “I think he thought it would be easier to forget me than it turned out to be,” Yeah, that’s what I thought too, kid. “And I think he wants you to know he’ll be okay. Like, he’s not going to kill himself or anything stupid like that.” The officer’s face darkens, but hers looks as though a huge weight was just taken off her shoulders.
“They mentioned the beach in the song.” She says. “Do you think he’s there?” No, no I don’t. “Maybe.” I shrug. “I’ll go there now.” I just nod. I’m extremely relieved to see her and her burly friend walk out and rive off.
As soon as I lose sight of their taillights, I slump down on the floor and let out a huge breath I didn’t know I was holding. It’s just a little past two a.m., and I’m just wondering how. the. fuck. I got dragged into something like this already. And what his mom had said about… about him missing me. About him talking about me. God, did I ever miss that kid.
I collected myself as quickly as I could; I hate being a blubbery mess. Not that I cried, mind you. No, I didn’t cry. But I was about to.
I put on some decent pants, and grabbed a shirt out of the Roxas-box. Taking the CD with me, I set out to go find the kid. “I’m coming for you, Roxas.” I whispered into the darkness.
I sat in my car, thinking about where I was most likely to find him, playing the song on repeat, and sniffing the musty box-scent of my fairly neglected Foo Fighters T-shirt. The song talked about the beach. Well, that ruled out the actual beach, towards which his mother was now speeding. Too obvious.
So then I started thinking about everything he had ever told me about the beach. He loved it there. I can’t count the number of times I brought him… There were probably only two places he liked more. Well, it used to be three. The clock tower, his grandparent’s place in France, and my apartment. Be sand on a beach by the sea. I decide that these are my best bets. Now, I can rule off one, maybe two of them, because I know he’s not at my place, and I don’t see how he could manage to get to France without anyone finding out. Then again, he was a pretty damn clever kid.
Clock tower. It’s this huge clock in the center of town, and the two of us used hang out up there a lot. He liked the view. It was pretty amazing. You could see the whole town, the tram making its never-ending rounds, all the way up to the water he so loved. The sunsets were pretty breathtaking too.
I drive way too fast through the small streets to get there, and when I do, I leave my car - still idling - “parked” on the sidewalk. My lungs are burning ‘cause I’m a smoker, and smokers were never meant to sprint up so many stairs, but I keep going. I just have this feeling like he’ll be up there. I’m not thinking about what I’ll do if I find him or what I’ll say, I’m just concentrated on getting there, and getting the kid.
When I got up there and realized he wasn’t there, I was just about ready to fling myself off that fucking tower.
Honestly, you have no. clue. how it felt to realize he wasn’t actually there. I was so sure he’d be there. Just… I wanted to lie down and not get back up. I wanted to give up.
And then it started to rain.
Oh yeah, that was the icing on top of the cake. So who can blame me? I gave up. I got in the car and headed towards home. That boy had broken my heart one too many times, and at the time, it didn’t look like he wanted me to find him. Fine by me.
It was pouring, and I wondered briefly how his mom was doing out on the beach with muscle-head Adam, or if maybe she had given up on him too. In the time it takes to get from parking lot to door, I’m drenched.
_________________________________________________________________________________________
Calendar Girl - Chapter 2
It was pouring, and I wondered briefly how his mom was doing out on the beach with muscle-head Adam, or if maybe she’s given up on him too. In the time it takes to get from parking lot to door, I’m drenched.
So I’m pushing open the door to my apartment, which I apparently forgot to lock in my haste to get out, when I hear some kind of noise inside. I don’t see any odd cars in the lot, so either Demyx actually did show up, or someone from the building broke in. Wouldn’t really surprise me; this place is filled with whack jobs.
I feel pretty safe going in. I’m strong enough, and my umbrella’s leaning on the wall right next to the door. If need be, I have that as a weapon. Call me reckless.
Well… nothing could have prepared me for this.
He’s sitting on my fucking couch. Roxas. He’s just… there! As if nothing had ever happened. As if this was just any one of those days when he’d come over unannounced. Like… nothing had ever changed between us.
“You kept all the stuff.” He says calmly, motioning towards the empty box surrounded by its former contents. I don’t even know what to say to that. He’s actually… here. Right. Here.
“R… Roxas.” I whisper, still not sure if this is all entirely real. If it isn’t, then I’d sure as hell like to live in the dream a bit longer.
You know… for the first time in a long time, it’s not hurting me to say that name.
“Roxas. Roxas, Roxas, Roxas, Roxas…” I repeat it over and over again, like a mantra. He just gives me a bemused little smirk. God. I missed him.
He comes over and kisses me, and my eyes fall shut and my fingers snake into his hair, and I’m just pulling him closer, closer, closer, because this is real. Real.
“Missed me?” He whispers, out foreheads pressed together. I don’t even know how to answer that. I remember every agonizing second of my two months sans-Roxas all too well. “Only if you did.” I whisper back. He looks at my eyes and knows what I mean, because the next kiss is like an apology.
“Calendar girl?” I ask the next time he pulls back. He smiles. “You found me, didn’t you?” I swallow the growing lump in my throat as I think about how I found him after abandoning my search. “You left too quickly though. I was waiting for my mom to leave, but you were gone before I could even climb all the stairs up to this dump.” He flops back down on my ancient couch and sighs. “Man, I missed it here.”
For some reason, this makes me thing of his mother, and I frown. “Call your mom. She’s probably still combing the beach for you.” I toss my cell phone at him. He looks angry, betrayed. Like he wasn’t expecting me to say any of that. Probably wasn’t. “What?” I ask. “Did you honestly think I’d keep you here and leave your poor mother to think she drove off her only son?” He scowls. “She did.” Man, I even missed that naïve, childish behavior of his.
“Don’t care. Call.” I join him on the couch, and he leans against me, looking at my phone with hatred. I grab it from him and dial. I had him put his mom’s cell number in my phone, so I’d be able to screen her angry hate calls telling me to bring her kid home. He looks at me in disbelief. “If you don’t tell her, I will.” I threaten.
He looks really panicked. I feel back doing this to him, but had his mom found out first, I would have wanted her to call me. I doubt she would have, but it’s always worth trying to be the better person. When he hears the ringing noise, he actually tries to bolt, but I’m faster than him, and stronger too. I’ve got him pinned in my lap with my arms wrapped around his waist, phone balancing in the crook of my neck.
“Hello? Yes, it’s Axel. He’s here.” Roxas blanched and went still when she said she would be right over. I hung up, and Roxas looked up at me pleadingly, begging me with his eyes to do something. This time, it’s my turn to give the apology kiss. He rejects it by turning his face sideways, and giving me a mouthful of hair.
“Why’d you leave?” I asked. I had to know. “I missed you, you jerk.” My heart skips a beat. “You’re almost eighteen. Couldn’t you have waited?” That had been bugging me. “No.” He says simply. I give him a little squeeze-hug to show my appreciation. “She was sending me to college in Radiant Garden.” He adds. My heart plummets to my stomach, and for a moment, I regret having called his mother.
He’s looking up at me again, like he’s trying to tell me that there’s still time to run. But there isn’t, and I know that. He does too. I hold him tight, and kiss the top of his head. Don’t worry.” I whisper into his hair. “Don’t worry.” I wish I was more convinced myself. “Yeah.” He whispers back.
“God, this is one hell of a day, huh?” I check my watch. “And it’s not even three a.m. yet.” I shove him off me, and he falls sideways on the cushions. “I need a smoke.” I offer in way of excuse. He pouts. Fucking adorable. My cigarettes and lighter are still under the mostly emptied Roxas-box. I put all the stuff back in, then drop it to the floor.
I light up and head back to the couch, and Roxas gives me this look that I’ve so missed. I know exactly what he wants. Taking a deep drag of my cigarette, I hold it far enough away from me for him to lean in and kiss me. He always had a thing for getting shotguns, and I wasn’t averse to giving them. Not to him, anyway. We leaned back and just sat there quietly, waiting for whatever was coming.
I almost inhaled a mouthful of smoke when I heard the manic knocking on my door.
Roxas looked at me, I looked at him. We shared a brief kiss, then I got up to open the door. He stayed where he was. When I opened the door and she saw him just sitting there all nonchalant and what, she reacted kinda like I did. She just stood there, staring at him. Much quicker recovery time than mine though.
“Roxas! Oh my God, Roxas! My baby!” She ran forward and hugged him so hard I’m pretty sure I heard some of his bones snap. She was about as hysterical as she had been when she first showed up at my door.
She finally let him go, and held him at arms length from herself, inspecting him. She frowned. “You smell like smoke.” She turns an angry glare in my direction. Jeez, thanks for the gratitude, lady. Roxas just shrugs. “Shotgun.” Her eyes go wide, like she’s coming up with all the worst-case scenarios for what that could mean.
She grabs his hand, sends one more nasty look my way, and starts pulling him towards the door. He resists, digging his heels into my dirty, threadbare carpet. “No.” He says simply. She turns, looking at him in disbelief. I kind of pity her, actually. She honestly didn’t seem to get why he wouldn’t want to go. This must be tough on her.
“Rox…” The name dies in her throat. “No.” He repeats, more forceful this time. He pulls his hand away from her. She looks to be on the verge of tears again. He takes a step back and grabs my hand. I have no clue where he’s going with this. “I’m staying here, mom.” He says. That sends her over the edge, crying all over again.
“Roxas… why?” She pleads, grabbing his other hand with hers, and pressing it against her cheek. His stern face falters for a moment, and I wonder how much longer he can keep doing this to her. Breaking her heart, I mean. I know firsthand that he’s pretty damn good at it, and that it’s fucking painful. He squeezes my hand, and I squeeze back. “I’m sorry, Mom.” He says gently, but he doesn’t sound like he means it.
She steps closer, hugging him desperately. He doesn’t drop my hand, but his other arm slowly wraps around her back. She sobs into his shoulder. “Please,” She chokes out. “Don’t do this. Just come home, Roxas.” He lifts her away from him slowly, looking her straight in the eye. “You did this. We did this.” She looks at him, completely broken now.
I need to do something.
“Go with her, Rox.” The two of them turn on me. One wears a mixed look of surprise, confusion, and gratitude, the other a mask of pain, betrayal, and hurt. “We’ll go back to how things used to be.” I squeeze his hand.
He doesn’t squeeze back.
I step forward and hold him close to me, my chin resting on the crown of his head. His mother steps back and stares at us. “It’s okay, Rox. Don’t worry. I’ll always be here for you, but you can’t do this to her. She’s your mom. There’s always space for you here, you know that, but I can share.” He relaxes a little against me. “You can stay here a few days to cool off, how’s that?” He stiffens again, then relaxes. “You have the key to this dump, come over whenever for however long. Open invite, but you can’t not go home, Rox. It’s still your family.” I look him in the eyes now. “How’s that?” He swallows heavily and nods.
I step back, and he hugs his mom, placing a quick kiss on her tear-stained cheek. “I’ll come back.” He promises. She nods, and walks off without another word. I don’t think she has any words left in her.
The silence stretches between us, but it’s not an angry silence, or an uncomfortable one. It’s soft. It’s natural. I break it with a heavy yawn.
“Dammit Rox, it’s three a.m. I’m going to bed. Join or not, but keep quiet about it, would you?” I shoot him a smile, because he knows I’m not angry. Just sleepy. He smiles back, taking my hand and joining me. This is how it’s supposed to be, I think. This is right.
There was a bag with clothes for him and a toothbrush in it at my door by the time we woke up.
______________________________________________________________________________
20 Things
20 Things That Remind Me Way Too Much Of Roxas:
1- Fresh-cut grass (he said he liked the way it smelled once)
2- Keys (well, isn’t that obvious?)
3- The number 13 (again, very obvious)
4- Large bodies of water (they’re like the color of his eyes
5- The sky (Sora…)
6- Sand (he always loved the beach)
7- Gel pens (now there’s a funny story…)
8- Chocolate bars with almonds (those were his favorites)
9- Coffee (he always said that stuff was disgusting)
10- Hotel elevators (they always skip from floors 12 to 14)
11- Popsicles (like that gross sea-salt stuff we always ate together)
12- Fire (which sucks, seeing as how that stuff’s a big part of my life…)
13- I was tempted to hotel elevator this number
14- Birds (they’re so free he used to say. But still confined to the sky. See above)
15- Flutes (One time at band camp…)
16- Marbles (like that shiny blue bauble he had)
17- Trains and trolleys (I know all about the wonders of Twilight Town)
18- Lists (he used to make one for everything in his head)
19- Arguments (we never got into a serious one)
20- Hearts (he took mine with him.)
________________________________________________________________________-
How Beautiful You Are(warning: depressing)
His skin looks so beautiful in the moonlight, drenched in its own blood.
I would attack him time again, cut him open, strip his flesh to ribbons every night just to see him like this. Gorgeous. His cloak is already gone, I ripped that off long ago, and down his chest run rivers of life, life, life.
“Why, Roxas?” He pants out, and oh, how I love the sound of his labored breathing in the still night. So finite. So beautiful.
“Axel.” I loathe the sound of my voice but beg for the sound of your name; what a contradiction I am. You don’t seem to register anything anymore. You reach for me, a blind man reaching for the sun, not knowing that it’s already night.
My weapons stay firm in my grasp, but I allow myself to fall into yours, feeling the blood I so adore soaking into my shirt and sticking to my skin. My clean, unmarred skin. I wonder if you still know who I am, lost as you are.
Your weak hands claw their way up my back and into my hair, staining it, matting it down, desperately grasping for purchase on your slippery slope. You find none with me. Not anymore.
“Roxas.” It’s more of a choke than a whisper. I so loathe the sound of my name but beg for the sound of your voice.
“Roxas.” Your words are blood to my shoulder, you bleed all over me, staining me with yourself in a way so intimate and so unfamiliar I almost fear it.
I kiss the blood off your mouth, clean your throat and neck with long, languid strokes of my tongue, spread the mess over your torso like a second shirt with my hands. You will never know how beautiful you are to me.
As you fall, I watch the light fade from your eyes and the darkness spiral around you, pulling you away, fading you away.
You will never know how beautiful you are to me.
__________________________________________________________________________
I Never Forgot(warning: semi-depressing)
“You told me you’d remember, Rox. You told me. You promised.” Axel is sobbing, but the boy is unconscious. He hears nothing. “You… you said… you said that even if you forgot everything, everything, Rox… you said you’d remember me. Remember… remember my name, and… and the way I kissed you and the way I felt against you… you promised me, Rox.” He breathed heavily, watching it come out as steam.
“Roxas.” At the sound of his name, the blonde’s eyelids flutter. Axel’s breath catches.
“A… Axel?” His voice is small and quiet, breaking at his first attempt at speech. Axel looks down on him expectantly. He waits for recognition to flash across those sapphire blue orbs.
“I… I remember you.”
Axel grins spitefully at the boy’s last words, watches like a broken man as the light leaves his eyes.
“I never… forgot.”
_______________________________________________________________
Letters
God, watching you two together, I sometimes wonder how the world was ever able to spin without you in it. It’s like, seeing you with each other makes me believe that we do have hearts. I’m glad for you, Axel. Glad that you found Roxas. You deserve him. I’d say more, but I’m only the first one to sign this card, and I don’t want anyone reading all the embarrassing things I have to say about you. I’m a great friend, right? Haha, I know.
::heart:: Demyx
I’ve gotta say, you and Blondie are pretty cute. Like Fire and the Mouse. Treat him right though, Ax, or I may just make a move on him. Heh, just kidding. He’s not my type, I prefer men over boys. Maybe you’ll join me? Eh, whatever. Flower Power’s threatening to turn my room into a jungle again if I keep at it.
~Savage Nymph ;-*
Axel… Just promise you’ll let me do the flowers at the wedding, alright?
~Marluxia
You’ve done well for yourselves, VIII, XIII. Don’t let it get to your heads. I wish you much “happiness”.
-VI
Be happy.
-Lexeaus
You two make a cute couple. You’re sort of a pedo though, Ax. Can’t say I blame you though dude! Man, if you weren’t with the kid, I swear I’d make a move on him myself. Too bad you are…
-Freeshootah
I’d love to see what all the fuss you make over him is about, VIII. Strip poker at seven?
~Luxord
Perhaps now you see what drives us to do the things we do? You should well be able to see that it isn’t emotion, but it’s certainly something. Don’t let that something get away from you.
-Xaldin
This is foolishness. I simply comply with your demands because the Superior has agreed to also. Your “relationship” with XIII is pointless, and doomed to failure.
-Saïx
Though I do not believe that we have hearts, I also do not believe that emotions are solely tied to the heart. They have strong roots within the mind.
~Vexen
You two are the perfect example of why we strive towards Kingdom Hearts.
-Superior