lots of things I could be

Aug 04, 2005 23:56

I am a complete jumble of emotions. I want to cry, scream, laugh, tear the world apart and fix it at the same time ( Read more... )

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stephanova August 5 2005, 21:13:45 UTC
I'm struggling with a lot of this stuff too, right now. I feel a bit trapped, and yet unable to get out.

There's a big rift in who I wish to be/who I try to project to the world and even internally to myself vs. the person I actually am underneath all those good intentions. I've been realizing that I've been living under the assumpition that being kind to people and cutting off cruel/angry/etc. thoughts in my head before they even form completely ultimately makes me and the world happier. I'm not so sure anymore. I know that in the past I've also been cruel to good people without intending to. I think I've cut myself off from feeling to a certain extent and that's being manifested in weird ways that I don't really like right now. It also makes me want to completely act out in angry and sometimes even violent ways. Those thoughts, of course, I try to douse before they're even complete, but so it is. Yay, repression!

I also used to think I was a very aware and open person... now I think maybe I just wanted to be and so I act that way well enough that I even fooled myself. I know the words to say, I understand the theory, but do I live it? Not always. I'm not saying this because I think one way or the other about you, but are you sure you're actually as aware as you think you are? From what you've said it seems like you're isolated from your feelings. You can experience the art of feeling, but maybe not the heart. (I just re-read that and it sounds sappy, but I don't care.) To me, it seems like you can't actually be THAT aware if you're not actually aware of how to integrate the various parts that make up You.

All that being said, I love you no matter what. Promise.

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thatmikeguy August 8 2005, 08:34:55 UTC
Yeah, I think there are a time and a place for all thoughts and feelings. I do still sincerely believe that people should think about the impact of their words before saying them for the most part though. I don't think it's necessary to say everything in order to validate it. Sometimes it's important to accept that you can have your opinions and feelings without sharing them, and that they are still just as real and valid.

All that being said, I definitely don't follow through on all of the things I think are important, and I definitely have a long way to go before I am even fully aware of my motivations. I do think that I am learning every day though, and that I'm not afraid to find out, and that makes me feel very alive.

One thing I do think is a big part of what I'm experiencing right now is an appreciation for the range of my emotions. I don't really think I feel things less (not to dismiss the comment "art of feeling vs. heart"), but I definitely feel like I probably repress my exertion of any of my strong emotional states more than I should. I also think the things that I react to seem to be a little unusual, so I have a tendency to seem unreactive in situations that most people would expect me to be emotional in.

That one is hard to understand completely, but I basically have a tendency to react to the spirit behind things instead of the specific incarnations of things. That often means that my reaction is actually to my internalization, not to the actual event. Sometimes that internalization happens immediately, but much of the time it doesn't. Usually when it doesn't, it's because I'm worrying about the situation or the other people involved. Instead of reacting to the underlying complexities of the situation, I record the info and process it later. It's kind of bizarre, but I see myself do it a lot.

As for whether that is a 'better' or 'worse' way to experience things, I'm not sure. It definitely has aspects that I find very appealing, but I can see the value of reacting more viscerally in a lot of situations.

Anyway -- lotostuff. In short though -- I'm pretty psyched about how tumultuous the last week was. Later the day I wrote this, I actually stormed out of the office, and felt good about it (it was VERY justified). I also took yesterday off and didn't feel the slightest bit bad about it :)

Overall I think I might finally be learning not to let people walk all over me, but still maintaining my sense of accomodation for the people who deserve it. I think my problem has always been universally applying my nice filter... heh.

Anyway, thanks for the comments. I miss you :)

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