I was just about to go to sleep, and I realized that I never use my journals for what I want to use them for. Discourse. Venting through the never-ending sequence of internal discussions I have
( Read more... )
I think I have a more zen approach to death than a lot of people, myself. I don't get upset about the death itself unless it was forced on the person by the decisions of another person (i.e. murder), but I grieve for the loss of immediate contact with that person. As for my own death, I only worry that I might not have time to say what I need to to the people I love before I go. I had one near-death experience (my heart was in fibrillation and I was only breathing about once every 30 seconds or so, if that) and from that understood how much the dynamic that is me is a persistent one due to my own choosing to remain so, and that I am here with my body largely as an act of will. I had a pretty decent glimpse of what I was aiming for, and although at the moment when I understood I might be dying I felt terribly alone, I could see beyond the loneliness to something absolutely fascinating beyond that was infinitely comforting. I fought to keep my body going, and the only reason I did was because of the continued work of one nurse who kept
( ... )
Hadn't heard that before. Yeah, that kind of thing has a pretty major influence on your mentality on the subject I'm sure. Sounds like you came out of it with some ambivalence as well though. Some fear, some comfort, overall acceptance of it's reality.
I like long replies. I actually have some time to read and type this week :) Of course, that will probably end next week, but it's good for the moment.
Re: wow...athenah2so4December 30 2004, 03:46:30 UTC
The comfort and acceptance are stronger than the fear, luckily...and it also made me realise that the only thing that matters enough to transcend death is love, whether personal or impersonal. I also got a very clear idea of how we may appear to be very small in the universe, but are ultimately so much a part of it that we each are infinite in all directions and that the self is more a place and a dynamic than a thing. It's very hard to describe what I "saw", but imagine suddenly seeing yourself as both discrete and ultimately diffuse at the same time. In some ways I think a lot of people would benefit from having a near-death experience, but it's a tad risky to recommend. :) The experience obviously didn't make me continuously serene or well-adjusted afterward, but it changed me in ways that I think have helped me to become a better and healthier person. I think it may have helped me become very zen; it's okay to not be okay because everything is ultimately okay and you'll eventually get there or maybe not. :)
Re: wow...thatmikeguyDecember 30 2004, 07:25:49 UTC
Yeah, a lot of this is in the next one I'm typing up. I went on even more of a ramble last night when I was talking about this. Mainly the simultaneous reality of us being infantessimal (sp?) and all encompassing/omnipresent (two similar concepts, which seem to meet on the other side of understanding ;) ).
I definitely feel like we would probably all benefit from a near-death experience... although I think that may be like taking a peek at the end of the book. It may be just better to learn to appreciate the mystery, and not have such weighted expectations... just enjoy the ride :)
Re: wow...athenah2so4December 30 2004, 07:52:39 UTC
Yeah...although for me, I can enjoy the ride more because I now feel that there isn't an end to reach. In some way the state I saw at that moment is actually this moment all the time. One of the huge epiphanies I had recently was that the personality I had constructed over the course of my life lived in the present to a pathological degree (e.g. absolutism, intolerance, bridge-burning &etc.) due to a lack of faith in the future. I've been working to undo that construct and live in the knowledge that I can live in the moment in a way that is much fuller because it accepts the reality of a future, and some of the insights I gained through my experience have helped with that. I still slip up occasionally, but I'm doing a lot better. It's sort of the understanding that everything I am then is everything I am now, and so don't need to expect anything and can focus on creating myself as I want to be.
Re: wow...thatmikeguyDecember 30 2004, 08:53:18 UTC
Definitely... I was more saying that the lack of any expectation is why you can enjoy the ride. I agree with you on all points.
An acceptance of a future is the only way to function with the toolset we have. People just don't work well when they can't build a full spectrum of past/present/future. You can exist, but you can't really comprehend and make conscious choices. You just react. Anyway... yeah, kind of goes along with the next stupidly verbose entry ;)
Re: wow...athenah2so4December 30 2004, 09:51:56 UTC
Yeah...it's not as easy to really live as it is to just exist, but it's certainly worth it. There are risks I take now that I never would have before, emotional investments that would once have been anathema to me, and a gradual removal of defenses that once seemed very necessary. I no longer feel as driven by needs and impulses, which is wonderful. I can want things and even hope for them, but I rarely expect anything anymore and tend to spend a lot less time disappointed than a lot of people I see. I still get sad and grieve when things go very much against the way I hope for and want (see sad Christmas entry), but I overall tend to get disappointed less.
Reply
I like long replies. I actually have some time to read and type this week :) Of course, that will probably end next week, but it's good for the moment.
Reply
The experience obviously didn't make me continuously serene or well-adjusted afterward, but it changed me in ways that I think have helped me to become a better and healthier person. I think it may have helped me become very zen; it's okay to not be okay because everything is ultimately okay and you'll eventually get there or maybe not. :)
Reply
I definitely feel like we would probably all benefit from a near-death experience... although I think that may be like taking a peek at the end of the book. It may be just better to learn to appreciate the mystery, and not have such weighted expectations... just enjoy the ride :)
Reply
Reply
An acceptance of a future is the only way to function with the toolset we have. People just don't work well when they can't build a full spectrum of past/present/future. You can exist, but you can't really comprehend and make conscious choices. You just react. Anyway... yeah, kind of goes along with the next stupidly verbose entry ;)
Reply
Reply
Leave a comment