unrealized potential
Normalcy, courtesy, and assumption of expectations are the chains. Plain enough to see, but why are they so hard to break? If someone told you untold satisfaction was within your grasp by simply changing your state of mind, why would you not do it?
I'm not sure. I feel like there's a mask of illusion so thick I could never recognize the truth... at times. At other times I feel like part of me is already behind the mask and just trying to persuade the rest of me that it's safe to cross over. It's like I'm drugged, and trying to move my arms but the futility is choking me.
Even when I write things like this I feel a desire to apologize, to make a joke, to 'not be so dramatic.' I feel bound by the social constraint of going with the flow. I feel bound by a desire to not make ripples in my well established existence in the system. Is that smart? Is it silly and futile to disrupt my natural ability to work within that system? Is there somewhere else to exist? Is there really untold satisfaction waiting on the other side of a conscious choice? I don't really expect simplicity of existence, but awareness and understanding hold such an appeal... despite the fact that they often diminish or destroy hope and bliss.
I feel like there are two directions... one is to move freely within my current medium. Even within the system I am restricted by my acceptance of limitations which exist solely because I allow them to. But breaking those bonds only means I move more freely within the system. The other direction involves actually removing myself from the medium... moving into another type of existence entirely. Different rules, different rewards, different reasons for existence. That's what it really comes down to... an assessment of why. If there is no understanding of why, nothing has a basis for comparison. The current existence becomes as valid as any other... and potentially even more so due to my adeptness at dealing with it. It's definable and understood. However if the why of existence is along the lines I suspect, the system is simply a diversion. And the reality is, there is a strong likelihood that there are no answers, or even questions for that matter.... that my own definitions create all of this, and therefore any importance is simply assigned.
Why do I always try to reason the teeth out of everything? Why can't I just pick an anthem and live by it?? I feel like a machine sometimes... well, more like one of asimov's robots... driven to the point of insanity by simple logical interference.
Yes, yes, I realize that I'm overly serious, but what of it. It's me, it's real, and I get tired of not saying things because they seem overly dramatic or cheesy... that's kind of the point.
I'm not sure. I feel like there's a mask of illusion so thick I could never recognize the truth... at times. At other times I feel like part of me is already behind the mask and just trying to persuade the rest of me that it's safe to cross over. It's like I'm drugged, and trying to move my arms but the futility is choking me.
Even when I write things like this I feel a desire to apologize, to make a joke, to 'not be so dramatic.' I feel bound by the social constraint of going with the flow. I feel bound by a desire to not make ripples in my well established existence in the system. Is that smart? Is it silly and futile to disrupt my natural ability to work within that system? Is there somewhere else to exist? Is there really untold satisfaction waiting on the other side of a conscious choice? I don't really expect simplicity of existence, but awareness and understanding hold such an appeal... despite the fact that they often diminish or destroy hope and bliss.
I feel like there are two directions... one is to move freely within my current medium. Even within the system I am restricted by my acceptance of limitations which exist solely because I allow them to. But breaking those bonds only means I move more freely within the system. The other direction involves actually removing myself from the medium... moving into another type of existence entirely. Different rules, different rewards, different reasons for existence. That's what it really comes down to... an assessment of why. If there is no understanding of why, nothing has a basis for comparison. The current existence becomes as valid as any other... and potentially even more so due to my adeptness at dealing with it. It's definable and understood. However if the why of existence is along the lines I suspect, the system is simply a diversion. And the reality is, there is a strong likelihood that there are no answers, or even questions for that matter.... that my own definitions create all of this, and therefore any importance is simply assigned.
Why do I always try to reason the teeth out of everything? Why can't I just pick an anthem and live by it?? I feel like a machine sometimes... well, more like one of asimov's robots... driven to the point of insanity by simple logical interference.
Yes, yes, I realize that I'm overly serious, but what of it. It's me, it's real, and I get tired of not saying things because they seem overly dramatic or cheesy... that's kind of the point.