something random and long overdue.
TINA: It has to do with her attitude.
DANA: I've got attitude!
MARINA: It's because she's so withholding.
TINA: No. It's because she's so confident.
DANA: No, it's because she's so stupid and stupid people are too dumb to be insecure.
ALICE: Dana. She's your friend.
TINA: It's confidence okay? I'm telling you... it's because of her nipples.
DANA: What do you mean it's because of her nipples?
TINA: She has the best nipples in town and she knows it.
Look at me, I'm the center of the universe.
SHANE: Liquor in the front, poker in the rear!
ALICE: Do you have to make that joke every time we play this game?
SHANE: Yes, I do.
(re: Shane)
The four Fs: she finds them, feels them, fucks them and forgets them!
ALICE: Did you see those boots? Hot hot hot!
SHANE: Alice, you get with her and I'll kill you. She'll step all over your dignity in those boots.
ALICE: (singing) Hey, Gabby, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind -
SHANE: Easy with the 80's pop this early in the morning.
You're beautiful and I like you a lot, but I like a lot of people.
(to Shane)
I don't want a relationship with you,
I just want to be with you all the time.
Guys, there's a giant billboard of Shane on Sunset! Just kidding.
(Dana)
Don't cry. I hate it when girls cry.
Sexuality is fluid. Whether you're gay or straight
or you're bisexual, you just go with the flow.
Look. When I say I've been with people, I don't mean 20 or 30.
Somewhere between 950 and 1200 since I was 14.
CLIVE: Shane is...
HARRY Shane is... what? An ex-con? A murderer? Oh God, please don't tell me you're heterosexual.
SHANE: I'm a girl. Female. Harry.
HARRY: My my my. Androgyny confounds.
Shane? Where are you? It is really really lonely here at The Planet and your roommates
are over here saying TWAT like they have Tourette's syndrome. And Dana and Lara left
and all they were giving me was the "we fucked all night and no one else in the world
matters" vibe. It was gross. Anyway, I wish you'd come be surly and cynical with me.
(Alice)
ALICE: The reason we've gathered here, your friends and family, because we really do consider you guys our family, that's why we were at that ritual thing, is to perform an intervention.
SHANE: Look guys, my cousins did this for my uncle Bill and he hasn't had a drop to drink since they put him in a straight jacket and hauled him off to rehab. I swear.
ALICE: Thank you for that, Shane.
SHANE: Sure.
You know, my entire life people have said that...
I would become a psychopath if I don't learn how to feel. But I wanna know, Cherie,
what the fuck is so great about feeling? Because I finally let myself and I feel like
my heart's been completely ripped out.
Tiffany Gardner. She was this gorgeous blonde who lived down the street. And one day I
thought, 'You know what? Fuck this. Enough's enough. I'm gonna meet this chick.' So I
pack up my Sunshine Meal and I walk over to her and she's just sitting in the sandbox,
playing hard to get. And I knew I was fucked. That girl took my Sunshine Meal toy,
then she took my heart.
ALICE: Hey guys, where are Bette and Tina? Boring.
DANA: Yeah, so boring.
SHANE: I don't know. When you think about what's more boring, right? You make
endless lists, you blow your head off and puke over the side of the boat, or you get
to go home and fall asleep with the same person you've been in love with for seven
years. I don't know.
Love's a bitch. I'd rather just have a good time and move on.
I think it's, I dunno, the unattainable, right?
'Cause, I think that most people want what they can't have.
(Jenny)
SHANE: Alice, it's karmically wrong. It's gonna come back at you if you and Dana end up together.
ALICE: Alright, Yoda needs to give me some better advice or Yoda needs to shut the fuck up.
I don't have a plan. That's the point.
I don't know, you just sometimes remind me of guys I used to date in high school.
(Jenny, to Shane)
CASHIER: Any flavoring?
SHANE: What. In my coffee? What the fuck is he talking about, the flavoring?
ALICE: A fairy godmother comes to visit. She tells you she's gonna give you a
penis. You can only get it for 24 hours, and then it disappears. What do you do with
that penis for 24 hours?
SHANE: I would pee standing up on every bush I could find.
JENNY: You wouldn't try to fuck a lot of girls?
SHANE: I don't need a dick to do that.
I'd fuck myself, but I wouldn't date myself.
CARMEN: I know how hard you work to keep yourself at a distance from everyone else on the planet, but it's not working for you anymore.
SHANE: It's working fine.
CARMEN: No, it's not, because of this. (puts Shane's hand on her heart, then puts her hand on Shane's heart) Okay? Do you feel this? Most people don't have this. This is rare.
SHANE: So what?
CARMEN: That's right. So what? So what if nothing ever comes out of this? So what, if you'll never act on it? You are so convinced that having a relationship near you is going to kill you.
SHANE: Because it will.
CARMEN: And that's why I'm with Jenny. It works because she and I are both biding our time, waiting for the real deal to come along.
SHANE: You don't think you and Jenny are the real deal?
CARMEN: Jenny wouldn't know what the real deal was if it bit her in the ass. She is so lost in her own darkness, I think she likes it in there. But do you know what's fucked up? Is that you and I know what the real deal is. We saw it the first time we laid eyes on each other. You're not living your life, Shane. And if you don't take any risks, then you might as well be dead.
Don't hurt her or I'll fucking cut your tits off.
SHANE: (in a fluffy dress): I feel like a piñata.
CARMEN: You're too small to be a piñata, but how 'bout the top of a tranny wedding cake?
SHANE: You're not helping me.
PAPI: You're just a skinny little white girl.
SHANE: Yeah, I guess I am.
ALICE: Shane, this is Papi. Papi, Shane.
SHANE: So what?
PAPI: So, I'm your competition.
SHANE: Oh! Oh. Well, I don't know exactly what we're competing for. So uh, you win.
CARMEN: (reading from a dictionary) OK, we're talking monogamy: it is a noun and it is the tradition or practice of having a single mate during a period of time.
SHANE: I get it, Carmen.
CARMEN: Wait a minute, I just want to make sure that you and I both know what we're talking about here. Oh, listen to this, monogamy is common among birds.
SHANE: That's great, because I love birds.
CARMEN: It is the practice of having a single mate during a period of time, does that mean anything to you?
SHANE: I'm willing to try, is that not enough? I'm willing to try something that doesn't come naturally to me and that I don't understand but that I'm willing to try.
CARMEN: Birds, Shane, I'm talking about a goddamn fucking bird. I'm talking about asking you to be as civilized as a goddamn fucking bird.
PAPI: Nice job, Rodeo. But I will still kick your white-girl ass.
SHANE: Yeah, okay, Dad.
VERONICA: Why do people always let you down? No matter how much you have done for them. Don't you find that to be true?
SHANE: That's why I try not to need anything from anyone.
Everyone...wants something from me, and... I don't feel like I have anything left to give.
This is my home, Jenny. And, I don't know, it's... for the first time, I...I actually
have a room of my own. That's a huge thing for me. And I'm sorry. I am, I am sorry
about what you saw on that tape. But...I like living with you. I love it. I think we
have a great time. Alright? It's just - I don't... I just don't want to lose it.
You're not scary.
(Jenny)
I never had a hamster but I had a dog and her name was Remy. I... I have a
brother, but I never met him, because we never grew up together. And my mom put
me in foster care when I was nine...but I still love her very much.
Caps.
This kind of put me in the mood to make a Shane/Jenny friendship spam. But who's got the energy, lol.