the price we must pay for the privelege of living in a world with so many things worth believing in
Well. I put on some Anything Music here at Ben's, and after awhile I started actually listening to it. A certain song came on, the lyrics of which I will post below. ... It's just been an emotional week and more, and yet I haven't emoted in so long. (The most I've done is draw in the back of a van.)
** So I shouldn't have been so surprised when this song brought me to sobs immediately. **
~~~
First, it was the music that made me feel. ... Then it was the lyrics (specifically the second verse / fourth stanza about the mother, which brought me to thoughts of my amazing sister and her two babies who mean more to me than anything in the world [if you know me at all, you know that]).
{You know, looking back rationally, that part was really only a metaphor,
and if I should be crying at all, it should be because of literal relevance and the tears I should have but never actually cried
the summer after freshman year.}
Then--- the beautiful wording and soft singing and being over here made me think of not having Ben, once we go to different colleges in different directions.
~~~
And, well, with all those awful thoughts coupled together?
I lost it.
...
I guess everyone is affected in their own ways for their own reasons, and this has just been one of those songs/experiences/days.
~~~
she went over to his apartment
clutching her decision
and he said, did you come here to tell me goodbye?
so she built a skyscraper of procrastination
and then she leaned out the twenty-fifth floor window
of her reply
and she felt like an actress
just reading her lines
when she finally said
yes. it's really goodbye this time
and far below was the blacktop
and the tiny toy cars
and it all fell so fast
and it all fell so far
and she said:
you are a miracle but that is not all
you are also a stiff drink and i am on call
you are a party and i am a school night
and i'm lookin' for my door key
but you are my porch light
and you'll never know, dear
just how much i loved you
you'll probably think this was
just my big excuse
but i stand committed
to a love that came before you
and the fact that i adore you
is but one of my truths
what of the mother
whose house is in flames,
and both of her children
are in their beds crying?
and she loves them both
with the whole of her heart,
but she knows she can only
carry one at a time?
she's choking on the smoke
of unthinkable choices
she is haunted by the voices
of so many desires
she's bent over from the business
of begging forgiveness
while frantically running around
putting out fires
but then what kind of scale
compares the weight of two beauties
the gravity of duties
or the ground speed of joy?
tell me what kind of gauge
can quantify elation?
what kind of equation
could i possibly employ?
and you'll never know, dear
just how much i loved you
you probably think this was
just my big excuse
but i stand committed
to a love that came before you
and the fact that i adore you
is just one of my truths
so i
i'm goin' home
to please the one i so love pleasing
and i don't expect
he'll have much sympathy for my grieving
but i guess that this is the price
that we pay for the privilege
of living for even a day
in a world with so many things
worth believing
in
~~~
& I guess I love that my feelings are so close to the surface, that I'm so passionately dramatic, that I am so maudlin-emotional... because, in a way, it helps me as a musician in a way, and it sort of adds character.
{But as much as I love it,
sometimes I wish I could sit down and
listen to *one* fucking song
without crying a river.}
~~~
ETA:
In case anyone is interested in just quickly hearing this song, it's available here, as the background music for a modern dance troupe's gorgeous interpretation. (The actual song comes in at 04:44 after Damien Rice's "The Blower's Daughter.")
Or, if you actually want to have the mp3, I've uploaded it here.
Enjoy, y'all. ♥
~~~