so long, lj. we had some good times.
I've been really just going through the motions at this point, keeping entries going and all... nobody reads and nobody posts. it's done. dead. it was a nice outlet for me and I'm grateful, but public journals are uncool like baloney sandwiches. I guess i just outgrew them. anyways, just for old-time's sake, here we go.
09-03-09. 3:19 AM. THURSDAY. MY LIFE.
things seem to be getting back to normal with my life a bit. and by that i mean i actually am gaining positive structure of my own free will that i have not had in, what, ten or eleven years? that's like half my life, guys. I'm pretty happy with this. actual happiness. i managed to dodge my teenage depression, too, or at least learn to live without it crippling me, even finding strength in it at times. nothing can be more humbling when you're acting like an asshole than realizing how little it would matter if you actually won that argument and so on and so on, making me, i think, a more caring person than i would if i were full of myself. perspective is the key here, and i don't think many have what i do, though they might, and probably do... you see what i did there? huh?? hah??? sometimes confidence needs to be put in check, i think, so we can continue to be ourselves.
anyways, I'm happy blah blah. even my panic attacks are dead. yes, fear still comes to me, but i realized (quite recently, actually) that the unending struggle for meaning and knowledge in myself, that answer which always eludes me every time, for which i will spend hours, no, days contemplating over and over in perpetual fear for ANY sort of resolve. you know the one. existence, more than that...just, all of everything and the lack there of, and the place in between and opposite. what would be there if it were not. we all need to find our place in it, and find out if we will be safe when or if we were taken out of it. it's hard for someone like myself, who found it almost impossible to hold on to the idea of gods and high power resembling ourselves, the great golden mirror, to not fear an end. and so i struggled. for years. finally, i came to the only conclusion i could come to, and i searched inside myself. i stopped looking outside and i just listened to myself. it was easy after that.
those of you who really know me have a basic understanding of my "religion" if that's what you would call it, and very few know more than others. to sum it all up, inter-connectivity of all things on the planet and beyond. the everything is everything else argument. anyways, I'm going to stop there with all that, I'm not here to attempt to preach my views or anything. i was actually trying to lead up to a much greater problem. one that scared the hell out of me, and that came to me in stages. i don't expect it to be done yet, as i dare not hold myself that high as to think i could come to a conclusion. BUT, nonetheless, i may as well describe my "answer" as it is now. I'm comfortable at the moment with it, and don't think I'll be reassessing it for some time. it will sound a bit fucked at first, but bear with me.
it started after my dad died, and i was sad that i wouldn't see him in the flesh, or exactly how he was, but i in no way felt i had lost him. i don't even feel like i have to wait, in my opinion this is even better than paradise-based religions, but i digress.... ANYways, a few months passed by, more and more time. i realized my relationships with friends and family were really in red zones, some of them especially bad, and things finally started to happen. some of them hurt at first, but they were changes for the better. for example, pand and i separating. we had lost touch with ourselves and each other, and i have no way of explaining how much better things are now between us. its pretty amazing, actually. and the same for all the others, like my mom, sister, friends, just about everybody felt the positive impact that my father's message had on my relationships with them.
but it looks like i again drifted off track. what i want to talk about is that new question. here it is. now, lets say i were wrong in my assesment, and there were some afterlife. or that i were right, and everything just transferred into somthing else. now, what would that all lead up to? what would the purpose be? or the reason for the process? big bang this and that, what was there before? i would try my best putting myself in wider and wider perspectives, creating scenario after scenario. and thats when it hit me, the pure, cold fear of it all. there was no end. i couldn't come to one. even if i knew it all, became a "god" of creation, reached the highest level, i wouldn't be satisfied with it. oh, what a pain i began to feel. yes, this is all pointless contimplation of the unknown and all, but i had realised i wouldn't be happy with ultimate discovery, knowledge, and creation. and it had nothing to do with intimidation. yes, if most people were asked to take up the mantle of the stars, many would deny based on "who am i to bear this", but i honestly would not be satisfied? why!?!? my search would never end. all my energy and existence would be dashed to meaninglessness. how could i have will if i knew it would lead to nothing?
then, enlightenment hit. it was an alternate conversation about other universes and my state of mind i was having with someone special to me, and they said what i had been needing to hear. it was somthing along the lines of "you can't honestly think of yourself being able to contimlate somthing outside the box when you yourself were created in this box. you will always be a part of this box, including your ideas of otherboxiness". i wrote that all childlike and cute, but it was actually all in intelligespeak, for the record. so yeah, that was the seed that made me transition into the most recent stage of confusion i found myself in, and i am so greatful for that, i still havent found the way to express my gratitude to this person. anyways, on to the next stage?
(weird, firefox's auto spell-punctu-checker seems to have died a little. i guess you all get to deal with my mistakes as they are. sorry.) OK, so i was able to more or less lay that to rest as trying to hard to think, and i needed to pull myself back a bit and be more reasonable in my self-discovery. now, when i get lost in thought, i think big, and i probably always will, meaning what got me was still quite a bastard of a problem. OK, this had gotten me my whole life, and actually tied in to each other problem. it gets almost everyone, regardless of who they are or what they believe. its that old dick, what happens after i die. it might seem like i went over this already, but the thing is, in my beliefs i have on life, death, existence, energy, and nothingness, i also most-definitely believe i can be wrong. this presented a problem. well, what the fuck happens if against all odds we just stop existing after we die, or other horrible scenarios like that. the nothingness thing. yep, this actually caused me to have a panic attack. pretty bad one considering what I've been used to in the past few years, though still nothing like my original, my blood still froze. like an ice-cream headache of the soul....
heres the fucked up part. i actually found an answer i like to this one. it seems so simple it's almost as if its a cop out. but jesus christ i like it. it works for me like how a lady satisfies me needing to see somthing pretty (that was a stretch but you probably get the idea...oh...haHA...nevermind). anyways, here we go. ending your existence is good. yeah, fuck me i said it. not existing can be a good thing. listen, after you work at your shitty job all day, or after an amazing day full of wonder and excitement, what do you want to do? rest. now can you possibly imagine the ultimate in rest not being would be? it might be scary to you, but deadlines, no fears, nothing at all. yes, i understand that there isn't the good things either, but what does it matter? you won't know, you won't anything. you simply wont be. true, ultimate rest from existance. peace. i found that if that were the case, i would almost look forward to it. not enough to rush it along and miss everything, all things should take the own course that they choose, and i choose to experience as much as i can, and have no regrets.
see, how the fuck can i be unhappy with this. i have absolutely nothing to lose in the grand scheme of things. even sadness and fear and pain are all emotions and substantial and therefore i consider them all gifts, and I'm simply happy and satisfied. i finally feel i can begin to move on with my life, and start the kind of life that all these other jerks around me seem to be having, with schools and careers and families and life goals. i can actually start to really be not only self-serving but a part of something greater. contribute to these people of my same species along with all other life and this earth and beyond. i really want to be a part of the puzzle, not only for others, but finally for myself as well. blah blah good for me yippee hurray.
OK, so there's all that, and now i can write about all the real things that have happened recently in my life to finish things up. here we go. it looks like my hair may be thinning and even though I'm not going out like my dear old dad did, I'm still going. but i have a lot of options here, one being the hat fallback. i just purchased a neat top hat and i don't give a fuck what prudes think of it, i look fantastic and if you pair it with my muttonchops and ponytail, i look like i just stepped out of classic literature. I've survived the scruples of societies opinions of my other expressions of appearance, ones that were more extreme and without the self confidence that i have now, so i think I'll be fine. next, I'm going back to school. starting my first class in eleven days to be exact. I'm pretty excited about it. i don't even really give a fuck what class it is...anything to get my foot in the door. and to help me out with that and warm the cold-fear of debt regarding it, I'm finally getting my inheritance from my amazing uncle. with the way those jokers handling things messed things up with delay after delay, i thought it would never come to pass, but it did!
so what am i going to do with the money? well, there are tons of ideas but the ones i like the most are ones i think my uncle would more that approve of. I'm going to better my self in almost every conceivable way (that i could with cash). opening a savings account. see, i never did this before or at least seriously, because i had no care for a future, but fuck me did that point of view change. not only that, but i will use that saving to start my financial journey leading to a trip abroad. i need to see this amazing world. and to be able to get to and from my bank to the airport and school, I'm finally going to go after that dreaded skill known as driving. it's been much too long and the best way i can think to finally get my license is to dive right in to that icy water and buy a car. whee, economic pressure, here i come! it'll be cool, though. I'm really excited, actually. and i keep talking journeys, but i cant forget journeys of emotion and sound. so that's why I'm going to follow my dreams and go buy a drum set. I'm doing my homework and i have a great deal lined up, too. not only that, i know exactly how I'll go about practicing. its going to be amazing. and i can't spend money without buying something entirely useless, so guess what? I'm gonna buy a goddamn ps3, assholes! see, i keep making that joke and it's never funny. not only do i feel my uncle would not appreciate his hard earned money spent on garbage like that, i for once am in complete agreement. and i feel good about myself in that regard.
other things going on are ranging from opening up myself to new friends and experiences to finding that going for a bike ride might be cooler than playing a mundane rpg. also, man, i get hit on a lot and i think i might actually start to do something about that, if not just for the experience and possible just friendships. listen, friends are great and you can never have enough real friends. along with confidence and being true to myself and happiness, there isn't much more to add to this. i started out writing this journal as a depressed kid going through a lot of changes, with tons of regret and feeling like i had to catch up to everyone else, and i think i finally made it. I'm ready.
I'm here.
thanks for reading, whoever.
-RTDIII
(p.s. i just finished snatcher and persona 4. both are/were amazing! and the policenauts translation is finally out!!! yay, videogames.)
09-03-09. 3:19 AM. THURSDAY. MY LIFE.
things seem to be getting back to normal with my life a bit. and by that i mean i actually am gaining positive structure of my own free will that i have not had in, what, ten or eleven years? that's like half my life, guys. I'm pretty happy with this. actual happiness. i managed to dodge my teenage depression, too, or at least learn to live without it crippling me, even finding strength in it at times. nothing can be more humbling when you're acting like an asshole than realizing how little it would matter if you actually won that argument and so on and so on, making me, i think, a more caring person than i would if i were full of myself. perspective is the key here, and i don't think many have what i do, though they might, and probably do... you see what i did there? huh?? hah??? sometimes confidence needs to be put in check, i think, so we can continue to be ourselves.
anyways, I'm happy blah blah. even my panic attacks are dead. yes, fear still comes to me, but i realized (quite recently, actually) that the unending struggle for meaning and knowledge in myself, that answer which always eludes me every time, for which i will spend hours, no, days contemplating over and over in perpetual fear for ANY sort of resolve. you know the one. existence, more than that...just, all of everything and the lack there of, and the place in between and opposite. what would be there if it were not. we all need to find our place in it, and find out if we will be safe when or if we were taken out of it. it's hard for someone like myself, who found it almost impossible to hold on to the idea of gods and high power resembling ourselves, the great golden mirror, to not fear an end. and so i struggled. for years. finally, i came to the only conclusion i could come to, and i searched inside myself. i stopped looking outside and i just listened to myself. it was easy after that.
those of you who really know me have a basic understanding of my "religion" if that's what you would call it, and very few know more than others. to sum it all up, inter-connectivity of all things on the planet and beyond. the everything is everything else argument. anyways, I'm going to stop there with all that, I'm not here to attempt to preach my views or anything. i was actually trying to lead up to a much greater problem. one that scared the hell out of me, and that came to me in stages. i don't expect it to be done yet, as i dare not hold myself that high as to think i could come to a conclusion. BUT, nonetheless, i may as well describe my "answer" as it is now. I'm comfortable at the moment with it, and don't think I'll be reassessing it for some time. it will sound a bit fucked at first, but bear with me.
it started after my dad died, and i was sad that i wouldn't see him in the flesh, or exactly how he was, but i in no way felt i had lost him. i don't even feel like i have to wait, in my opinion this is even better than paradise-based religions, but i digress.... ANYways, a few months passed by, more and more time. i realized my relationships with friends and family were really in red zones, some of them especially bad, and things finally started to happen. some of them hurt at first, but they were changes for the better. for example, pand and i separating. we had lost touch with ourselves and each other, and i have no way of explaining how much better things are now between us. its pretty amazing, actually. and the same for all the others, like my mom, sister, friends, just about everybody felt the positive impact that my father's message had on my relationships with them.
but it looks like i again drifted off track. what i want to talk about is that new question. here it is. now, lets say i were wrong in my assesment, and there were some afterlife. or that i were right, and everything just transferred into somthing else. now, what would that all lead up to? what would the purpose be? or the reason for the process? big bang this and that, what was there before? i would try my best putting myself in wider and wider perspectives, creating scenario after scenario. and thats when it hit me, the pure, cold fear of it all. there was no end. i couldn't come to one. even if i knew it all, became a "god" of creation, reached the highest level, i wouldn't be satisfied with it. oh, what a pain i began to feel. yes, this is all pointless contimplation of the unknown and all, but i had realised i wouldn't be happy with ultimate discovery, knowledge, and creation. and it had nothing to do with intimidation. yes, if most people were asked to take up the mantle of the stars, many would deny based on "who am i to bear this", but i honestly would not be satisfied? why!?!? my search would never end. all my energy and existence would be dashed to meaninglessness. how could i have will if i knew it would lead to nothing?
then, enlightenment hit. it was an alternate conversation about other universes and my state of mind i was having with someone special to me, and they said what i had been needing to hear. it was somthing along the lines of "you can't honestly think of yourself being able to contimlate somthing outside the box when you yourself were created in this box. you will always be a part of this box, including your ideas of otherboxiness". i wrote that all childlike and cute, but it was actually all in intelligespeak, for the record. so yeah, that was the seed that made me transition into the most recent stage of confusion i found myself in, and i am so greatful for that, i still havent found the way to express my gratitude to this person. anyways, on to the next stage?
(weird, firefox's auto spell-punctu-checker seems to have died a little. i guess you all get to deal with my mistakes as they are. sorry.) OK, so i was able to more or less lay that to rest as trying to hard to think, and i needed to pull myself back a bit and be more reasonable in my self-discovery. now, when i get lost in thought, i think big, and i probably always will, meaning what got me was still quite a bastard of a problem. OK, this had gotten me my whole life, and actually tied in to each other problem. it gets almost everyone, regardless of who they are or what they believe. its that old dick, what happens after i die. it might seem like i went over this already, but the thing is, in my beliefs i have on life, death, existence, energy, and nothingness, i also most-definitely believe i can be wrong. this presented a problem. well, what the fuck happens if against all odds we just stop existing after we die, or other horrible scenarios like that. the nothingness thing. yep, this actually caused me to have a panic attack. pretty bad one considering what I've been used to in the past few years, though still nothing like my original, my blood still froze. like an ice-cream headache of the soul....
heres the fucked up part. i actually found an answer i like to this one. it seems so simple it's almost as if its a cop out. but jesus christ i like it. it works for me like how a lady satisfies me needing to see somthing pretty (that was a stretch but you probably get the idea...oh...haHA...nevermind). anyways, here we go. ending your existence is good. yeah, fuck me i said it. not existing can be a good thing. listen, after you work at your shitty job all day, or after an amazing day full of wonder and excitement, what do you want to do? rest. now can you possibly imagine the ultimate in rest not being would be? it might be scary to you, but deadlines, no fears, nothing at all. yes, i understand that there isn't the good things either, but what does it matter? you won't know, you won't anything. you simply wont be. true, ultimate rest from existance. peace. i found that if that were the case, i would almost look forward to it. not enough to rush it along and miss everything, all things should take the own course that they choose, and i choose to experience as much as i can, and have no regrets.
see, how the fuck can i be unhappy with this. i have absolutely nothing to lose in the grand scheme of things. even sadness and fear and pain are all emotions and substantial and therefore i consider them all gifts, and I'm simply happy and satisfied. i finally feel i can begin to move on with my life, and start the kind of life that all these other jerks around me seem to be having, with schools and careers and families and life goals. i can actually start to really be not only self-serving but a part of something greater. contribute to these people of my same species along with all other life and this earth and beyond. i really want to be a part of the puzzle, not only for others, but finally for myself as well. blah blah good for me yippee hurray.
OK, so there's all that, and now i can write about all the real things that have happened recently in my life to finish things up. here we go. it looks like my hair may be thinning and even though I'm not going out like my dear old dad did, I'm still going. but i have a lot of options here, one being the hat fallback. i just purchased a neat top hat and i don't give a fuck what prudes think of it, i look fantastic and if you pair it with my muttonchops and ponytail, i look like i just stepped out of classic literature. I've survived the scruples of societies opinions of my other expressions of appearance, ones that were more extreme and without the self confidence that i have now, so i think I'll be fine. next, I'm going back to school. starting my first class in eleven days to be exact. I'm pretty excited about it. i don't even really give a fuck what class it is...anything to get my foot in the door. and to help me out with that and warm the cold-fear of debt regarding it, I'm finally getting my inheritance from my amazing uncle. with the way those jokers handling things messed things up with delay after delay, i thought it would never come to pass, but it did!
so what am i going to do with the money? well, there are tons of ideas but the ones i like the most are ones i think my uncle would more that approve of. I'm going to better my self in almost every conceivable way (that i could with cash). opening a savings account. see, i never did this before or at least seriously, because i had no care for a future, but fuck me did that point of view change. not only that, but i will use that saving to start my financial journey leading to a trip abroad. i need to see this amazing world. and to be able to get to and from my bank to the airport and school, I'm finally going to go after that dreaded skill known as driving. it's been much too long and the best way i can think to finally get my license is to dive right in to that icy water and buy a car. whee, economic pressure, here i come! it'll be cool, though. I'm really excited, actually. and i keep talking journeys, but i cant forget journeys of emotion and sound. so that's why I'm going to follow my dreams and go buy a drum set. I'm doing my homework and i have a great deal lined up, too. not only that, i know exactly how I'll go about practicing. its going to be amazing. and i can't spend money without buying something entirely useless, so guess what? I'm gonna buy a goddamn ps3, assholes! see, i keep making that joke and it's never funny. not only do i feel my uncle would not appreciate his hard earned money spent on garbage like that, i for once am in complete agreement. and i feel good about myself in that regard.
other things going on are ranging from opening up myself to new friends and experiences to finding that going for a bike ride might be cooler than playing a mundane rpg. also, man, i get hit on a lot and i think i might actually start to do something about that, if not just for the experience and possible just friendships. listen, friends are great and you can never have enough real friends. along with confidence and being true to myself and happiness, there isn't much more to add to this. i started out writing this journal as a depressed kid going through a lot of changes, with tons of regret and feeling like i had to catch up to everyone else, and i think i finally made it. I'm ready.
I'm here.
thanks for reading, whoever.
-RTDIII
(p.s. i just finished snatcher and persona 4. both are/were amazing! and the policenauts translation is finally out!!! yay, videogames.)