Egress
How do I start this? Oh man, do I hurt. It shouldn't but I do.
So, the last few years have been quite an interesting journey. Baby number 3, Andrew Scott Cano my little boy. My last name will carry on with this handsome little man. But at what cost? I left my wife, my partner. She told me, when she found out she was pregnant that she was "going to live her best life". I had no idea at the time what was going to happen. She became more obsessed, aggressive, and disconnected from our family. I moved out from our home that we built together. I bought a everything I could think of to make her love me more.
But, it didn't work. With my ignorance and acceptance, I made it worse. I just wanted to make her love me, but with that she hurt me more. Black eyes, bruises, scars and bites she wouldn't love me till I left her. Now she is scrambling to keep me. We are losing everything we worked so hard to build.
My children love me, and my son adores me. I am scarred and broken. But my kin keeps me going. I don't know where I will be in the next year, but as long as I have my children I know I will be okay. I tell myself "egress" and that my family supports me in my choices. The bruises on my body will heal, my scars will remind me of the abuse I have endured.
But just look at this handsome boy. He is one and full of light. Just like his sisters that watch over him. The girls love him so much. I just want to live a simple life. I want a woman who loves me, cares for me, appreciates how much I love her. I have terrible taste in women, sad but true. My shoulder hurts, my body hurts, maybe I'll write a book. I just want to make it through the week. Diet Mountain Dew and Nicotine push me along. Weight loss, disjointed thoughts and nightmares are all I have now. I hope the next woman I have doesn't judge me by the scars on my body from women that didn't appreciate me. Women that decided to hurt me because I am kind and gracious. I'm over being hurt, I am too old to deal with this.
I know the next few months are going to hurt, and I handle trauma well. I just want to be happy. Lying to myself about my happiness isn't working anymore. Drinking to numb my pain won't work forever. I don't want to force myself to be happy. I can't be comfortably numb anymore. Pray for me.
-Tomas
