(no subject)
I keep punishing myself. Can't stop it, don't know how. Drives my therapist bonkers.
Even when I'm not doing it conciously, I'm doing it reflexively, like "remember that time in sixth grade when you said the really dumb and embarassing thing?!"
Drives me bonkers, now that i think about it.
Mistakes of youth can be forgiven because you are a youth and you don't know better.... but I don't know how to forgive myself.
Actually, I really can't forgive myself. I don't actually know how. It seems that one of the guiding principles of my life is that "you have to be harder, crueller, meaner, and less forgiving than anyone else." The reason being is that it's easier to deal with dressing yourself down than enduring the humiliation of getting dressed down by someone else.
In some ways it's not a bad thing. It's self-discipline. It's personal accountability. The problem is that I apparently have cranked it up to eleven. I am my own abuser. That's not a pleasant thought.
Let's move on to more pleasant thoughts: My writing is going well. I feel like I'm on the threshold of becoming a better author, but I can't figure out how to trigger that change. It's like having 3999 XP and you just need that ONE FUCKING POINT to ding to the next level. I think I actually had a DM in the past that was like that. He'd keep track of the party's XP and intentionally leave you a few points shy of gaining a level just to fuck with you.
Dick move, bro.
Not much else to say.