(no subject)
So it's been a while since I've said anything about what's going on in my corner.
In my defense, I think that there's only so many ways I can try to explain crippling depression and paralyzing anxiety.
What it does to me.
What my meds do to me.
Eventually, unintentionally, people just stop listening. It happens.
Well, I personally feel like that. So I've kept my mouth shut.
Posted Weird Sun witticisms and Random Shower Thoughts and regurgitated old Facebook Memories.
I can try and try, but never find the right words to really make anyone understand how it isolates me, how it makes me feel isolated, and that in turn makes me feel like retreating further back from the world. I'll talk more about this in a bit.
I've been reading, which in some cases is fun but also it's sort of "homework" because after ... fuck knows how many years I've finally put an ending on "Katarina the Witch Hunter". You know, it took 11 books. Not too bad. I'll talk more about this in a bit.
I discovered a book series that's fun to read, so I've been reading it for entertainment. I'm also simultaneously reading a completely different series of books as "homework" because I've finally started "Seventh Seal" more or less in earnest. "Seventh Seal" has a particular feel to it that I need to connect with, and I do this by reading similar works. Homework.
So this part might upset people, and maybe that's okay. I don't know. I'm figuring shit out as I go along. Maybe you'll understand, maybe you won't.
First, when I finish writing a story, there's a glorious catharsis. IT'S DONE! YES! GREAT! There's no real way I could explain to you how great a feeling it is. You either get it or you don't.
...and there's also a sense of loss. It no longer lives in my heart; it's there, on the page.
Second, I've been delaying and delaying finishing "Katarina" for literally years because I ... just didn't want to let the story go. It was a great world to write in.
...also, I promised myself that I wouldn't kill myself until I had finished writing "Katarina The Witch Hunter".
I feel mostly useless and worthhless as a human being. I'm not particularly attached to the idea of living. That's depression talking. I'm terrified of .... there's no way to explain how everything is just FEAR FEAR FEAR. Either you know it or you don't.
Growing up as a kid, I didn't mind so much getting into fights. Bullying happened, but I didn't much care about that, either. Whatever they did, whatever bruises or scars they left on my body, it wouldn't hurt my mind. My mind was my most prized possession. Sure they could kick my ass, but could they surpass me intellectually? Creatively? Logically? They couldn't do that. buuuuuuuuuuut now my mind it seems has turned cannibal. it preys on itself. I'm afraid of everything. I'm terrified of everything. Everything is a Worst Case Scenario, everything is a Setup for Failure. That's anxiety talking.
My friends have helped me through so many things. There's been so many times that I've felt like "I can't do this" and my friends have been there and reassured me and calmed my irrational fears.
I don't have a lot of courage left in me. I'm saving it, you know. Hoarding it. Some people have courage to face every single day and the unrelenting shit-shower of life. The courage to keep going, in spite of all adversity. Some people only have enough courage to pull the trigger.
So I've heard that people are worried because I have a gun. Reasonable.
I mean, who in their right mind would trust a suicidal person with a loaded gun?
Strangely, it's actually a comfort to have. You won't understand it when I say it, but having the feeling of "It's okay, you can pull the trigger whenever you feel like it" actually ... keeps me from doing it. Doesn't make sense at all to you, does it? But to me, having the freedom to Alt+F4 my life at any moment also allows me the freedom to choose not to do it.