Fuck.
I need to talk to someone or I feel like I'm gonna explode.
If only it were that fucking easy.
Okay. This'll jump around a lot.
It doesn't make any fucking sense but it does. Just bear with me.
So last year, right now, I was in the hospital because my lungs decided to blargh. Like, a year ago today, I was unconcious and "intubated" and all that shit.
because of the fucking flu. flu turned into pneumonia, pneumonia turned into sepsis and I guess I almost died.
So since january I've been thinking aobut this last year and what a fucking shit show it's been. I should have just fucking died.
But then- No, wait.
So... after the hospital and the fucking embarassing fucking rehabilitation and all that shit
I got this fucking job offer that was super sweet. unfuckingbelievable sweet.
okay, so my last job I was making almost $50,000 USD a year
And I had these fucking TERRIFYING AS FUCK interviews
over and over and over
and the dude was like CONGRATULATIONS YOU PASSED and I was all Great! When do I start?
He never contacted me again.
Nowadays when you don't get contacted back, that's the implicit GUESS WHAT FUCK YOU.
That job was going to be so sweet. Doing the exact same thing I was doing before.
But $90,000 a year. NINTEY THOUSAND.
Didn't get anything back at all. And the thing is, ettiquette. you can't seem like a thirsty bitch or they'll be all WHOA, MAN and back off.
Car accident.
Car is a useless paperweight
driver's license suspended.
$400 in court fines
It's coming due and I have no money.
Like, it's coming due in JUST SEVEN DAYS
So I'm like
Fuck it.
I've been putting it off and putting it off and putting it off for no good reason.
just pull the fucking trigger, man
STOP FUCKING HOPING FOR A FUCKING MIRACLE
There are no miracles, love is statistically false and you're just some insignificant decaying lump in an indifferent universe.
I have to pay.
I have to pay or I go to jail.
That's it, that's all there is, no take-backs. Pay money or go to jail.
But I can't.
BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE
I got a text message from that guy tonight.
"So, hey, we got a position that just opened up, and we wanted to talk to you and see if you're still interested."
And all I can think about is I'm fucking getting jerked around by a carrot and stick god
but I can't fucking calm down
my drugs aren't working
I'm crying and everything is all fucked
I hurt all over.
Chest and gut and head hurt from crying
Christ, even my eyeballs hurt from crying.