(no subject)
I remember now. I have to remember this so that I can bring it up in my next session.
I have a friend I've known since junior high. He was a friend who was from a financially stable family; they bought him his cars, paid for everything he wanted or needed.
Unashamedly admitting this: I went from being a friend who sort of was along for the ride to a friend who took advantage of his kindness and generosity... and he let me.
In a great sort of upheaval in my life I realized that I had been taking advantage of him, and I vowed. I swore that I would do my absolute best to pay him back for everything I had taken advantage of. Every fuckin' dime.
If I couldn't pay him back, then I would not only never, ever do it again to him, but that I would never, ever do it to anyone else ever again.
That's why I have such a horrible fucking time with asking for help- for any help. I am well acquainted with human nature, and I'm worried/ terrified/ scared that I might at some point in time do it again. Greed lives.
The hurtful point was that... a few years ago I ran across him. I told him I'd really realized what I'd done. I dragged it all out of me, like seppuku. I had to get it all out of me. No chance of redemption. No hope for friendship. But it had to be done. Had to. Had to admit guilt, reveal shame, beg forgiveness for the unforgivable.
It has to be done because you're a man. A human being. A creature of nobility and dignity and you owe up to your mistakes, even when it hurts. Most especially when it hurts.
I was on the road to a big fuckin' cry and it was only my absolute staunch refusal that kept it from my face. He just looked at me and was like, "There's nothing to forgive, man. You didn't do anything wrong."
That's actually supposed to be a surprise cathartic revelation, and the heroes of the story come back together in the boundaries of friendship and all is forgiven, but that's fuckin' wrong, asshole- shit doesn't work out that way in real life. Oh, we're still cool, still friends, still awesome, but I still carry that guilt and shame. He doesn't think a wrong was committed, but I do, and that's all that fuckin' matters.
I have a friend I've known since junior high. He was a friend who was from a financially stable family; they bought him his cars, paid for everything he wanted or needed.
Unashamedly admitting this: I went from being a friend who sort of was along for the ride to a friend who took advantage of his kindness and generosity... and he let me.
In a great sort of upheaval in my life I realized that I had been taking advantage of him, and I vowed. I swore that I would do my absolute best to pay him back for everything I had taken advantage of. Every fuckin' dime.
If I couldn't pay him back, then I would not only never, ever do it again to him, but that I would never, ever do it to anyone else ever again.
That's why I have such a horrible fucking time with asking for help- for any help. I am well acquainted with human nature, and I'm worried/ terrified/ scared that I might at some point in time do it again. Greed lives.
The hurtful point was that... a few years ago I ran across him. I told him I'd really realized what I'd done. I dragged it all out of me, like seppuku. I had to get it all out of me. No chance of redemption. No hope for friendship. But it had to be done. Had to. Had to admit guilt, reveal shame, beg forgiveness for the unforgivable.
It has to be done because you're a man. A human being. A creature of nobility and dignity and you owe up to your mistakes, even when it hurts. Most especially when it hurts.
I was on the road to a big fuckin' cry and it was only my absolute staunch refusal that kept it from my face. He just looked at me and was like, "There's nothing to forgive, man. You didn't do anything wrong."
That's actually supposed to be a surprise cathartic revelation, and the heroes of the story come back together in the boundaries of friendship and all is forgiven, but that's fuckin' wrong, asshole- shit doesn't work out that way in real life. Oh, we're still cool, still friends, still awesome, but I still carry that guilt and shame. He doesn't think a wrong was committed, but I do, and that's all that fuckin' matters.