Epiphany
Kinda recent. It was only yesterday.
I love playing with my eye color.
The jagged edges
Of a solemn broken heart
Never are clean cuts
Kinda emo, but yeah, there's another for ya.
Ok so what's that title about.
Well...I've been doing some thinking. About relationships and stuff. I've been single for a while, and I've pretty much hated it.
Until now.
This is not because I've found someone.
I've thought about the way I feel when I'm in a relationship, and how I feel when I'm not. I've also thought about all the different emotions that come with being in a relationship. Sure, you're finally happy because you know that someone loves you. But there will always be that sense of longing when they're not around, that awkwardness when you're around other people together, the worry that you aren't good enough for them, and all that good stuff. Pleasant, isn't it?
I figure, everytime I'm with someone, I feel like I'm embarrassing myself every second I'm around them. I'm always worried about acting the right way, and feeling the need to impress them.
That is torture.
And whenever I start a relationship with someone, I always feel like I've changed somehow. When I'm single,. I feel more...myself, I guess. And I like it that way. I'm not afraid to do anything I want to do when I don't have a guy to worry about calling, or getting a text from. I'm not left waiting by my phone, or spending hours dwelling on some day we spent together, only to be left with a feeling of regret because of something I said, or loneliness because they aren't here.
And another thing, I always wonder if they feel the same way about me as I do about them. I always feel like I'm more infatuated, and they're just kind of into me. That makes me feel like an idiot when I sit staring at my computer waiting for them to get online. And I'll always have that dumb smile on my face when I get a cute message from them, but it's still kind of weird for me. I'll always feel like an idiot at some point in the relationship because of something I do. That happens less often when I'm single, because I don't plan what I do around what someone else is doing. I am free to live my life and do what I want.
Sure, relationships come with a lot of happy memories, but once its over, your feelings toward those change. And I always hate that. I hate regretting ever dating someone, or a memeory of something I did with someone comes back and I'm disgusted. You might think you love someone, but when they break things off, where does that leave you? The truth is you really don't know a lot at this age, and when you come to realize that fact (it's usually too late) it hurts. I realized it a while ago, and I'm glad I caught myself early.
To sum things up, and to get to the point (which you've probably already realized), things are always awkward in a relationship, for me, and there are really more negative emotions than positive. So, to put it simply, I'm staying single for a while. I don't know how long this will last, and I still have my list of standards for a guy, but until I find someone that meets 99.9% of them, I'm single. And by single, I don't just mean no boyfriends for a bit. I mean I'm going to stop worrying about guys altogether. No more complaining about how "no one cares for me" and "I'm not good enough", and I won't feel the need to look good for some dumb guy. I'll do things for myself and because I want to, not because I want some idiot to notice me.
Who knows how long this phase will last, or if its even a phase. All I know is that until I find someone that I KNOW I love, and I have no second thoughts or doubts, there will be no guy in my life.
Staying single,
Trina <3