(no subject)
I don't mean to sound melodramatic when I don't intend to but sometimes it just comes out that way.
A few weeks ago I made a post referencing to a conversation I had with a good friend of mine in which we were referring to Jeremy and his various boyish mannerisms. I was speculating at the time about why he checks his email every chance he gets and why he keeps the window so small that only the most persistant person could read it much less him (note: I chose not to devote that much persistance to be that most persistant person to it because I feel that if someone wants to hide what they're typing that bad then they shouldn't be typing it in public but I wont agrivate it that much). But anyways, yesterday in econ Skiddles was gone and Belen was sick (as I was later told she was on her 'death bed' only to be seen picking up homework as I was leaving later that day) so it was just me and Jeremy to work in a group in econ. I tried to start some pleasant conversation here and there. He was a little more open than usual but then again I talk to him so rarely that there is no usual. But I did hear some interesting things from him. Going back to the conversation with my friend
Him: (not really paying attention)To tell the truth he probably doesn't even know you exist. He's been
so wrapped up on the computer lately that he doesn't notice much else. He probaly has a girlfriend
online or something.
Apparently he does. She used to live in Santa Rosa, now she lives in Canada and he is worried about how they'll be able to carry on the relationship because things haven't been very smooth lately. I commented to him that long-distance relationships don't work out very well and then I referred back to Gianni and our thing and how he reminded me like every day that he was 625 miles away from me or that I was 625 miles away from him. Either way. I realize after the fact that what I said wasn't very supportive and could have been construed as sabotague (I've never had an occation to spell that word so I am frightened of how off I am in the spelling). I know that I not-so-secretly hope that he will break up with her and be free to notice me but I'm somehow doubting that he would look up from the ground for anyone considering that barely anyone knows him at this school because he pretty much acts like he still goes to his old school that he left 2 years ago. I don't know. But my point is that I am disappointed at learning how things really are. I didn't even ask him about it, he just sort of brought it up (he was on the computer at the time). I am disappointed and very discouraged for him and for other prospective people. I read one of those forwards today the one about how many people love you and think about you before they go to sleep, one person would die for you etc and I wonder how true it really is. I always used to view it from who I would die for and who I think about before I fall asleep/pass out but now from a different perspective it seems unlikely. Especially considering that more than a couple guys think I'm a lesbian because I am the president of the GSA. And because I'm the girl who welded 3 saw blades together into a deadly weapon and wants to be a veterinarian and has witnessed horribly ungirly things having to do with horses and the such. Basically they think I'm too intense and butch and that scares them. I wish I wasn't so scary. I'm not trying to scare people away. I just want someone to love who will love me back. But no one will ever approach me because I scare them away. They never give me a chance to open up to them. I tried wearing skirts and nice tops that were low cut to school so that it would remind people that I was indeed a woman who was capable of being somewhat girly. I don't usually dress that way since it's impractical for weldign and makes it so I have to wear way more leather just to keep from getting burned by flying metal spatter. But if everyone is afraid of me they wont want to know anything about me. Even the jazz choir people don't care to ask back and we're supposed to be family after the retreats but with them I feel farther from them now that we're a family. Another problem with scaring people is that none of the men see me as a lady in distress of if I am they don't care to assist me. I got laughed at more in welding last year by Jeremy and David when I got burned and sparked and dropped and broke stuff than assistance from them until Snowden told me when no one was around that I really shouldn't ask them for help because they'd do more damage them aid. At least as far as the actual welding went... I don't know. I try to not be scary but nothing works. So when everyone else runs to be in someone's arms I have to hug myself since no one wants to touch me. Maybe they think it would burn them.
A few weeks ago I made a post referencing to a conversation I had with a good friend of mine in which we were referring to Jeremy and his various boyish mannerisms. I was speculating at the time about why he checks his email every chance he gets and why he keeps the window so small that only the most persistant person could read it much less him (note: I chose not to devote that much persistance to be that most persistant person to it because I feel that if someone wants to hide what they're typing that bad then they shouldn't be typing it in public but I wont agrivate it that much). But anyways, yesterday in econ Skiddles was gone and Belen was sick (as I was later told she was on her 'death bed' only to be seen picking up homework as I was leaving later that day) so it was just me and Jeremy to work in a group in econ. I tried to start some pleasant conversation here and there. He was a little more open than usual but then again I talk to him so rarely that there is no usual. But I did hear some interesting things from him. Going back to the conversation with my friend
Him: (not really paying attention)To tell the truth he probably doesn't even know you exist. He's been
so wrapped up on the computer lately that he doesn't notice much else. He probaly has a girlfriend
online or something.
Apparently he does. She used to live in Santa Rosa, now she lives in Canada and he is worried about how they'll be able to carry on the relationship because things haven't been very smooth lately. I commented to him that long-distance relationships don't work out very well and then I referred back to Gianni and our thing and how he reminded me like every day that he was 625 miles away from me or that I was 625 miles away from him. Either way. I realize after the fact that what I said wasn't very supportive and could have been construed as sabotague (I've never had an occation to spell that word so I am frightened of how off I am in the spelling). I know that I not-so-secretly hope that he will break up with her and be free to notice me but I'm somehow doubting that he would look up from the ground for anyone considering that barely anyone knows him at this school because he pretty much acts like he still goes to his old school that he left 2 years ago. I don't know. But my point is that I am disappointed at learning how things really are. I didn't even ask him about it, he just sort of brought it up (he was on the computer at the time). I am disappointed and very discouraged for him and for other prospective people. I read one of those forwards today the one about how many people love you and think about you before they go to sleep, one person would die for you etc and I wonder how true it really is. I always used to view it from who I would die for and who I think about before I fall asleep/pass out but now from a different perspective it seems unlikely. Especially considering that more than a couple guys think I'm a lesbian because I am the president of the GSA. And because I'm the girl who welded 3 saw blades together into a deadly weapon and wants to be a veterinarian and has witnessed horribly ungirly things having to do with horses and the such. Basically they think I'm too intense and butch and that scares them. I wish I wasn't so scary. I'm not trying to scare people away. I just want someone to love who will love me back. But no one will ever approach me because I scare them away. They never give me a chance to open up to them. I tried wearing skirts and nice tops that were low cut to school so that it would remind people that I was indeed a woman who was capable of being somewhat girly. I don't usually dress that way since it's impractical for weldign and makes it so I have to wear way more leather just to keep from getting burned by flying metal spatter. But if everyone is afraid of me they wont want to know anything about me. Even the jazz choir people don't care to ask back and we're supposed to be family after the retreats but with them I feel farther from them now that we're a family. Another problem with scaring people is that none of the men see me as a lady in distress of if I am they don't care to assist me. I got laughed at more in welding last year by Jeremy and David when I got burned and sparked and dropped and broke stuff than assistance from them until Snowden told me when no one was around that I really shouldn't ask them for help because they'd do more damage them aid. At least as far as the actual welding went... I don't know. I try to not be scary but nothing works. So when everyone else runs to be in someone's arms I have to hug myself since no one wants to touch me. Maybe they think it would burn them.