January 11 :: Haunted
Tramatic memories haunt even the strongest of souls.
My body refuses to cooperate. I can't seem to get my body to rest, even though I'm tired. Very tired.
Every since my sister passed away in 2OO2, it's been hard for me to sleep. It may sound like it was a while ago, but it doesn't feel that way. It will be two years on May 16, 2OO4 -- it hurts because the date is two days after her birthday. She was 16.
Here's the entry from my old journal, that I only had the heart to write after the funeral:
The Explanation [28 May 2002|08:22pm]
[ mood | drained ]
[ music | Quit Playing Games w/ my heart - BSB ]
So, here's a girl who's never been sick more than a day. A girl that wanted to go to school during snow storms, who would drug her self with medicine to get better, and even then would not miss a day of school. Never had anything like the Flu or a stomach virus.
A few weeks ago she got the sniffles and a little headache. Even then she continued going to school, but would sleep from the moment she got in until the next morning. A few days after that she stayed home for two days and slept straight through. She couldn't hold her food down and was running a 102 fever. Me and my mom were teasing her: "Wow, you really got the FLU! Now you know how we feel!" Ha ha.
She and I were wrestleing the day before she came down with the 'flu', and so when she told me she felt like she'd been kicked in the chest I apologized.
Her fever broke ("Thank God," My mother had said; she'd fail to notice that she was now extremely cold to the touch)and she was holding down her food. It looked like she was getting better. I went out and bought her a birthday cake and card so we could celebrate her birthday on the weekend. [Her birthday was on May 14th] My mom bought her some clothes for her birthday.
She was getting better, but she had problems breathing. It went to the point that when she breathed all the muscles in her neck was strained and her eyes were big. She told me she wasn't getting enough oxygen to her body and I laughed and said, "If you weren't getting enough oxygen you'd be dead."
My grandmother, who'd been watching her for the week while everyone else was at work, called my mom to tell her about how my sister was breathing. My mom came home and took her to the ER.
They tried to force her to take deep breaths but she fought them; even then she was strong...
Finally (after they found out that she really wasn't getting enough oxygen in her blood) they set her up to get an X-ray. They left her w/ my mom in the room so she could put on her gown. She got the gown on, and then she was gone.
They sent her body to do an autopsy and found she had walking pneumonia for about 3 weeks before she got sick, and she either didn't say anything or she didn't know. By the time she started complaining of breathing her left lung was completely calcified. Or, to put it simply, hard as a rock with no space for air. Also her fight with the doctor could have brought on a heart attack.
Her cake is still in the freezer, her card is still on the dining table. She didn't even enjoy the two days she lived after her sixteenth birthday. I feel so lost; I've haven't done anything without her. She's everywhere and at the same time she's
gone.
It's hard to cope. That was my best friend....We were inseperable.
Until Now.
1
Hard, yes. Especially when we had most the same teachers for a while, and we were the same age for a month, and she was just there for me, and not because we lived in the same house, but...because. That's how it's supposed to be. And my depression keeps me up at night, and makes me kinda hysterical. Joel tried rocking me, holding me, trying to talk me down, but all I know is she's not here with me, and it's not fair.
My body refuses to cooperate. I can't seem to get my body to rest, even though I'm tired. Very tired.
Every since my sister passed away in 2OO2, it's been hard for me to sleep. It may sound like it was a while ago, but it doesn't feel that way. It will be two years on May 16, 2OO4 -- it hurts because the date is two days after her birthday. She was 16.
Here's the entry from my old journal, that I only had the heart to write after the funeral:
The Explanation [28 May 2002|08:22pm]
[ mood | drained ]
[ music | Quit Playing Games w/ my heart - BSB ]
So, here's a girl who's never been sick more than a day. A girl that wanted to go to school during snow storms, who would drug her self with medicine to get better, and even then would not miss a day of school. Never had anything like the Flu or a stomach virus.
A few weeks ago she got the sniffles and a little headache. Even then she continued going to school, but would sleep from the moment she got in until the next morning. A few days after that she stayed home for two days and slept straight through. She couldn't hold her food down and was running a 102 fever. Me and my mom were teasing her: "Wow, you really got the FLU! Now you know how we feel!" Ha ha.
She and I were wrestleing the day before she came down with the 'flu', and so when she told me she felt like she'd been kicked in the chest I apologized.
Her fever broke ("Thank God," My mother had said; she'd fail to notice that she was now extremely cold to the touch)and she was holding down her food. It looked like she was getting better. I went out and bought her a birthday cake and card so we could celebrate her birthday on the weekend. [Her birthday was on May 14th] My mom bought her some clothes for her birthday.
She was getting better, but she had problems breathing. It went to the point that when she breathed all the muscles in her neck was strained and her eyes were big. She told me she wasn't getting enough oxygen to her body and I laughed and said, "If you weren't getting enough oxygen you'd be dead."
My grandmother, who'd been watching her for the week while everyone else was at work, called my mom to tell her about how my sister was breathing. My mom came home and took her to the ER.
They tried to force her to take deep breaths but she fought them; even then she was strong...
Finally (after they found out that she really wasn't getting enough oxygen in her blood) they set her up to get an X-ray. They left her w/ my mom in the room so she could put on her gown. She got the gown on, and then she was gone.
They sent her body to do an autopsy and found she had walking pneumonia for about 3 weeks before she got sick, and she either didn't say anything or she didn't know. By the time she started complaining of breathing her left lung was completely calcified. Or, to put it simply, hard as a rock with no space for air. Also her fight with the doctor could have brought on a heart attack.
Her cake is still in the freezer, her card is still on the dining table. She didn't even enjoy the two days she lived after her sixteenth birthday. I feel so lost; I've haven't done anything without her. She's everywhere and at the same time she's
gone.
It's hard to cope. That was my best friend....We were inseperable.
Until Now.
1
Hard, yes. Especially when we had most the same teachers for a while, and we were the same age for a month, and she was just there for me, and not because we lived in the same house, but...because. That's how it's supposed to be. And my depression keeps me up at night, and makes me kinda hysterical. Joel tried rocking me, holding me, trying to talk me down, but all I know is she's not here with me, and it's not fair.