Well, the rant finally came...
So here's the rant that's been building up for a while, was posted on my myspace blog first, but it seemed fitting for here. Enjoy.
Okay, so I feel it's finally time I got some stuff off my chest. Basically, I'm sick of life right now. Don't get me wrong, there's been a lot of good. But when the FUCK is Karma finally going to play into my hand?! I guess I'm ranting because after a pretty fun night I came home and checked the usual stuff, myspace, facebook, email, all that fun jazz. And right now, damn facebook for their stupid ass bulletins that let you know what EVERYONE is doing... because sometimes not knowing things isn't a bad thing. Unfortunately, that isn't the case anymore so I suppose I gotta deal, hence the blogging. I guess my former woman is getting something together for New Years, once again, with the group that basically I got together initially for her that she so eloquently threw back in my face, lovely.
And I guess I shouldn't worry about it, I KNOW I shouldn't worry about it, but DEAR FUCKING GOD. I'm tired of being selfless and mature about things, I'll just be honest, I hate and DESPISE the fact that she's fan fuckin' tastic about life and everything, and I'm still feeling like my world has crashed and burned. And it's not just her, if this were one instance I suppose I'd not be so irate. But this seems to happen ALL THE TIME. Everytime I get close to someone, it somehow seems to come back and bite me in the ass tenfold.
Just, WHAT THE FUCK?! I feel like I give, and give, and GIVE to people, and no one ever gives back! Instances, before our relationship, I'd have done anything for my friends. And not to rag on you, because you've been pretty cool as of late, but like as soon as I get something that I think is for me, JUST ME, they get pissy over the fact that I wanted to take some time to have something for myself. In every band I've been in, I always seem to give 110% (not including most recent ventures, but they haven't gotten up off the ground yet to count too much so far), and I just end up in last place. The people I went after before, I gave completely and selflessly, and never got anything in return. Even in my last thing, it seemed like I gave way more than I got. It's like dear god, what the fuck is good enough? I'm the first person to rush to someone's aid whenever it seems like they have a problem. But when I'm the one suffering, who's there for me? Yeah, no one. Pretty much it, I always get the "you should be tougher than this suck it up and quit being such a pussy" treatment.
And to my friends that have helped, please realize this isn't about you, you've been probably the only thing keeping me from going insane. But I refuse to rely completely on a handful of friends for all my needs, it's not fair to them. Just... I don't get it anymore. I guess this really boils down to the fact that I've come to the conclusion that my last relationship meant absolutely nothing to the other person. And that hurts. That REALLY hurts. Especially when they have the audacity to hook up w/the one person they KNOW you will hate completely, don't tell you about it just so you'll still be their friend, and even afterwards have the audacity to include the one person they KNOW you can't stand in the one thing you were still trying to do to help them out. And even after all of this, after ALL of this, I STILL care. WTF?
I'm not a drama queen I don't think, I've just been hurt both by women and friends alike and don't like getting the shit end of the stick. which it seems that no matter what I do, I always get. I mean, with my friends and significant others I give EVERYTHING I can, does that not seem to matter to people? I just wish someone would find me important for who I am just being myself, I guess that hasn't been good enough so far. I mean, I don't think there's anything wrong with me, I think I'm a perfectly normal guy with both his good and bad qualities like everybody else. But yet, it seems no one ever seems to pay attention to that, and then they wonder why the hell I get pissed off.
God, I'm just tired of feeling like I'm overlooked, like I'm a second class person in comparison to everyone else. I'm sick of people taking advantage of me for their own ends. I'm sick of feeling like with most people I'm just a means to an end. I want to feel like there's someone out there who honestly gives a damn about me, who actually stops and thinks to themselves "huh, wonder what's Rick's up to" or something!
Ugh, I suppose this just sounds like a rant for attention. Maybe it is, I don't even know at this point. All I know is that I'm sick of feeling like everyone uses me for a little bit and then gets rid of me when they feel they don't need me anymore, and doesn't even think twice about it. That sucks, that just really REALLY sucks. I just feel so... isolated and cut off sometimes really.
So yeah, I've had my piece, if anyone thinks I'm crazy, fine, have your fun about me. Again, I can't stress enough, this isn't directed towards everyone, a select few of you have actually done at least a little something here and there to help, and I appreciate that, but I can't put the burden of this all on 3-5 people. I guess just enough is enough sometimes... anyways, I'm goin' to bed. I'll be curious to see who, if anyone, gives responses to this. later.