fic: hey, i heard you were a wild one [exo; krislay; nc-17]
hey, i heard you were a wild one
exo; krislay; nc-17; 2200
wu fan’s always liked a quick blowjob. besides, fundraising galas were boring anyways. pwp.
( 'I thought I was getting a present for getting us out of there so early,' Wu Fan comments, eyebrow raised just slightly in Yixing's direction. )
exo; krislay; nc-17; 2200
wu fan’s always liked a quick blowjob. besides, fundraising galas were boring anyways. pwp.
( 'I thought I was getting a present for getting us out of there so early,' Wu Fan comments, eyebrow raised just slightly in Yixing's direction. )
""Baby, you can't take promises of blowjobs back,"" - ugh, ain't that the truth, sister.
""You're always the whore,"" xDDDDDDDD I LOVE THEIR BADINAGE.
"Jongin would say yes, if only because Wu Fan still had those nudes from college and he was never above blackmailing." xDDDDDD WU FAN IS A LEGEND. LEG. END.
"He chuckles as he undoes his belt" - third o' the way doon. find a different verb. chuckling is always associated with middle-aged men in my mind and has undertones of seediness D8
"too soft hair" - too-soft hair. general rule of thumb: if the adverb (which can describe either a verb or another adjective) doesn't end in -ly or -ally, hyphenate it to the following adjective.
"It didn’t help that his legs were so fucking long." - BRO. WHAT IS WITH YOUR LOVE OF THE PAST TENSE? EVEN WHEN WRITING IN THE PRESENT TENSE, THERE'S ALWAYS A CHEEKY LITTLE SENTENCE'LL SLIP ITSELF IN THERE ALL 'I AM A REBEL AND A BRO'. NO. it doesn't** help that his legs are** so fucking long
"far more concerned about getting off then all this teasing " - than** you've got a comparative sentence coming up, so it's definitely than.
"Yixing had glared at him, finally kicking him when Wu Fan’s foot had gone a little too high.
He was always such a killjoy" - xDDDDDDDD ILUR CHARACTERS, BB. THEY'RE ALWAYS SO RIDICULOUSLY RANDY.
"Yixing always pulled suits off a little too well, if anyone asked Wu Fan." - meh. rephrase to: If anyone had ever asked Wu Fan, he would've said Yixing always pulled off suits [just] a little /too/ well. (maybe italicise the 'too'?)
"even making a little small talk before leaning up to Wu Fan’s ear." - next para. change 'leaning up to' to 'leaning into'.
"Come on ge, this is boring. You can fuck my mouth, come all over my face.”
Yixing had never been particularly good at dirty talk but Wu Fan would forgive him that" - I AM DYING, NAVNEET. DYING XDDDDDDDDDD WHAT. WHAT.
"headed for the coat check." - bb, what is a coat check? is that the same thing as a cloakroom?
"Wu Fan had felt the earlier pang of regret when they’d been leaving his apartment for the fundraiser return, wishing he’d taken the time to strip Yixing out of his suit and fuck him against the kitchen table." - ok, bb, there are many past tenses in english, but this one you're writing in is kind of the...more definite past? as in referring to an event that is finished and finished for EVER. idk. there's nothing wrong with that sentence, it's just a bit starchy, i feel. change first part to: 'Wu Fan felt the same pang of regret he'd felt earlier when...'
"Now, as Yixing’s head bobs up and down" - dinna like. change to 'now, with yixing's head bobbing up and down...'. and also, the final part of that sentence: "Wu Fan bites on his lower lip to hold back a moan" - change to 'Wu Fan can't help biting his lower lip...'. you can include the 'on' in there if you like. i write too much like i speak nowadays and i drop prepositions like nobody's business, but i'm guessing that isn't standard in canadian english?
"The sensation sends a tingle of pleasure coursing through his thighs, satisfied sigh escaping him." - add an 'a' before 'satisfied'
"He digs a finger between Yixing’s crack, dragging it up as he kneads the muscle of his ass" - i, what? what? nav, i...i am kind of dying. ok. ok. so you can be creative in porn, but KNEADING THE MUSCLE OF HIS ARSE? IT'S LIKE HE'S TRYING TO MAKE BREAD. GOOD GRIEF I AM DYING.
Reply
"Wu Fan scraps nails against the front of Yixing’s underwear" - he scraps nails, huh? he literally turns solid metal nails into scrap? inside someone else's undies? well that is a gift, tbh, nav. and one i fear is being misused.
"his boyfriend easily deep throating him after years of practise." - practice*
"He’s on the verge of coming but he wants to coat Yixing inside out, fill him up until his eyes roll back into his head." - i liked this sentence!! mostly because it is very realistic. not all men become violent when they're having sex [acts performed upon them], but they do tend to become more aggressive, and i felt that was very in line with how he would've felt.
"“Let me just open you up,” he murmurs and Yixing bites his lip, eyes closing, as Wu Fan readies him for a second finger." - this, however, the sentence before that last, i wasn't such a fan of. especially since, in the next paragraph, you've written, "Yixing’s easy to prepare". if he was easy to prepare, presumably because it's not the first time he's been fingered/fucked, i doubt he'd be biting his lip, because tbh, once you've lost your anal virginity, it doesn't become tight again x3 it stays reasonably loose (depending on how you lost it/how often you do it/the size of the object[s]), and two fingers wouldn't be any more painful to him than one. three would be difficult to do anything with, and four and above is just being greedy.
"the bitterness of his own come swirling into his mouth" - i'm not sure bitterness is the adjective you're looking for, bb. unpleasant? maybe even salty a bit? idk. but not bitter. not unless he's been eating lemons for months.
"crescent shaped bruises" - 3/5ths the way down. crescent-shaped*
"he slips a third finger into Yixing, who hisses" - is this a 'gun make erotic noises for erotic reasons' hiss or a 'oh god that hurts DDDDDDDD8' hiss? 'cause, as explained above, 3 fingers would not hurt him, not after having been rogered before. besides, the angle of it, shape of the hand, and disparity in length between the 3 fingers would make it hard to do much, tbh, which is why most people stick to one or two?
should also add that someone told me before that it's hard to just...get a hole in one, if you see what i'm talking about. you've usually got to guide the thing in there and hold it steady until it starts going in.
" He hears the slapping noise his balls make as Yixing meets him halfway" - yes! I JUST AGREE IN GENERAL WITH THAT SENTENCE.
"Wu Fan fucks Yixing that much deeper, finally hitting his sweet spot" - x33 it sounds a bit like the quest for the holy grail. BUT I AM DOWN WITH THIS SHIZ X3 <3
"headrest" - near the very bottom. should be head-rest *sniffy sniff*
THAT DID END PRETTY SWEETLY, YOU'RE RIGHT. but it was a nice sweet ending and >>>: it is just nice that they love each other that much, you know? i mean, not enough to try reverse cowboy, but, you know, *holds hands in air* just sayin'. NO, BUT FOR SERIOUS, BB, your writing is becoming a lot smoother, i think. you're using more -ing verbs and less 'and then he did this and that and the other' and it adds a more lyrical and literary feel to your writing, and i like it, mmk? there were also surprisingly few tense errors in here. like, only one major fail. THAT'S GOT TO BE A RECORD FOR YOU ;D i love their chemistry though :3 your characters usually have very amusing mindsets or their way of speaking to one another is just hilarious and x3 well done, bb! AND NOW YOU HAVE SOME NON-PORN TO WRITE FOR ME, I BELIEVE?
Reply
and " i'm not sure bitterness is the adjective you're looking for, bb. unpleasant? maybe even salty a bit? idk. but not bitter. not unless he's been eating lemons for months."
cackled endlessly.
thankyou for catching the mistakes bb ♥ and thankyou for reading my stuff, even though kpop isn't even your thing. you're too good to me ♥♥♥
Reply
See for me chuckling is associated with Edward Cullen because he did it so often in Twilight. Still pretty seedy though.
"He digs a finger between Yixing’s crack, dragging it up as he kneads the muscle of his ass" - i, what? what? nav, i...i am kind of dying. ok. ok. so you can be creative in porn, but KNEADING THE MUSCLE OF HIS ARSE? IT'S LIKE HE'S TRYING TO MAKE BREAD. GOOD GRIEF I AM DYING.
That's AMAZING. :D I was thinking of it as a really weird sort of massage but now I am always going to see the bread imagery. I feel like the sequel should feature sudden onset cannibalism so you can say you were clever and caught the foreshadowing.
"the bitterness of his own come swirling into his mouth" - i'm not sure bitterness is the adjective you're looking for, bb. unpleasant? maybe even salty a bit? idk. but not bitter. not unless he's been eating lemons for months.
maybe he really likes lemonade! you don't know wu fan's life! it's delicious and refreshing!
wow it's so much easier to come up with stuff to say in comments when i just pirate on over someone else's! :D pirate is definitely not the exact word i want here but i cannot think what it is right now. it's cool though, i will leave the writing concerns to nav. we all have our strengths.
my insightful and original contribution to this discussion will be: nice title! i like that song too. :D
Reply
i'm glad you like the title, ms. original. ♥
Reply
actually that reminds me of something! i'm taking this course on literary non-fiction and one of the requirements is that everyone in the class has to pick one of the authors on the syllabus to do a presentation on him. so one of our authors is lars eighner who wrote this piece on dumpster diving as part of a book he published about the year he spent being homeless. one of the guys picks him to present and he starts off his presentation all so i did research to find out more of eighner's writing and it turns out he primarily writes hardcore gay porn. that was unexpected. and i laughed and laughed because his FACE nav. you should have seen it, it was beautiful. :D i like to imagine variations on the awkwardness that may have ensued. maybe he was researching on a public library computer! maybe he was home and his parents were in the room! maybe he did that frantic quickly opening up a second tab thing i do everytime someone in my family wanders by when i'm reading fanfic!
what i'm saying here is perhaps one day you will be some unsuspecting student's lars eighner. and truly then you will know you have achieved success. :D
Reply
Leave a comment