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so my mom has been in contact with one of my brothers professors and he had mentioned he wanted to do a ceremony for joe in december. nothing was set in stone but he def wanted to do it. so its now set bc something else wound up being cancelled so we took that opening. and the more i hear about it the more i am so proud of my brother. its not every day that they do this. there are goin to be a bunch of school officals and the president there to speak about joe. these arent just people who work there and are gonna talk. most of them knew joe. which i think is really good. we should be gettin his diploma as well. im really glad they are doin this. almost like it needed to be done. i know my mom wanted to do something for the yr anniversary but didnt know what to do. i mean in reality she wanted to have a cry fest. which is i guess understandable. but it doesnt seem right to me to have one day to just to cry about him. i think about him every day. and i cry a lot about it. so to have a designated day to do that is fucked up. and he wouldnt want it like that. but once i knew some details i posted an event on facebook for the ppl in dub-c so they were aware asap. but the more and more i think about it..im scared to do this. to see all these ppl..so far 50 ppl are comin..200 were invited. i asked tim to come as well. he knows only of joe. and i think that him goin to this will be able to see how other people saw him. and for emotional support bc i know its gonna be emotional. i know it. and i am fully expecting that. but its hard for me..cause i look exactly like him. i have no problem with that. but a lot of ppl see me and then see joe. and it makes me stand out more. its just weird. its almost like having a twin that died..i guess. i dunno how to explain it. but i just know ppl see him when they look at me..and more than just a physical apperance. so im scared. and today i was really thinking about it. like how its gonna be. i have such mixed emotions..excited, happy, sad, scared, nervous. the closer it gets i think the more i will be able to calm down. but i think part of being scared is the emotion thats gonna come with it. like this is reality settin in for me. he is gone and we are now honoring him. its just too weird for me. weird is the best way for me to describe it. weird for him not being here. weird to talk about him in past tense. weird not having recent memories. weird not having him to run to for the best advice. i dont think i will ever adjust completely to accepting it.
the dreams have been becoming more real lately. some i cant remember but just feel real. and some i can remember which just really upset me. more and more lately. like it affects my whole days mood. its like an uphill battle for me. and then a monkey wrench gets thrown in the mix to just add to my problems. i wish things would just go back to normal. when joe was alive and taz was alive. things were just easier. but i know i cant go back. i have to go forward. its just hard. like i wanna get another dog but thats just so hard. we grew up with taz. and to get a new dog just seems weird. joe would never meet it. and the dog would never get to meet joe or know who he was. just kinda feels like we would be moving on. i dunno. its just weird to think about. but i want another dog. i miss havin that. i miss taz like wow. i could just sit there for hours with her on the back porch just watchin the birds. man i miss that so much. i miss her greeting me and sayin goodbye. its so hard. sometimes i feel like i dont wanna deal with any of this. its so hard sometimes just to get through the day. it has gotten better but its a battle.
out of all this i got tim. he puts up with me and my crazy moods. sometimes i think he thinks im a crybaby. he has seen me cry more than any of my friends. i cry about a lot of stuff. i just get really emotional and its hard for me to hold the tears back. sometimes i just wish i didnt put him through this. like i was normal. but he takes me for me. hes so supportive as well. he listens to me. gives me advice. and lets me cry. i love him so much and i try to show him the best way i can. sometimes its hard for me. but for our 5 month anniversary i surprised him and took him to high point to watch the sunset. we stopped at dunkin donuts first and headed up there. and afterwards i took him to outback even though i didnt like it..its his favorite. the whole day was just so amazing. and i had such a good time. he told me he hadnt seen me smile that much in a long time. it was true though. but i was just so happy to be with him and to share that. and the following weekends after that we had such good good times. making the absolute most of our time together..even if it was only one weekend day. its rough sometimes. but i know we can make it. we have this bond. this love. and dont think anything can break it. ive been wanting to write about it for some time now..just havin had the time to sit down and put my thoughts together. so thats it for now..
the dreams have been becoming more real lately. some i cant remember but just feel real. and some i can remember which just really upset me. more and more lately. like it affects my whole days mood. its like an uphill battle for me. and then a monkey wrench gets thrown in the mix to just add to my problems. i wish things would just go back to normal. when joe was alive and taz was alive. things were just easier. but i know i cant go back. i have to go forward. its just hard. like i wanna get another dog but thats just so hard. we grew up with taz. and to get a new dog just seems weird. joe would never meet it. and the dog would never get to meet joe or know who he was. just kinda feels like we would be moving on. i dunno. its just weird to think about. but i want another dog. i miss havin that. i miss taz like wow. i could just sit there for hours with her on the back porch just watchin the birds. man i miss that so much. i miss her greeting me and sayin goodbye. its so hard. sometimes i feel like i dont wanna deal with any of this. its so hard sometimes just to get through the day. it has gotten better but its a battle.
out of all this i got tim. he puts up with me and my crazy moods. sometimes i think he thinks im a crybaby. he has seen me cry more than any of my friends. i cry about a lot of stuff. i just get really emotional and its hard for me to hold the tears back. sometimes i just wish i didnt put him through this. like i was normal. but he takes me for me. hes so supportive as well. he listens to me. gives me advice. and lets me cry. i love him so much and i try to show him the best way i can. sometimes its hard for me. but for our 5 month anniversary i surprised him and took him to high point to watch the sunset. we stopped at dunkin donuts first and headed up there. and afterwards i took him to outback even though i didnt like it..its his favorite. the whole day was just so amazing. and i had such a good time. he told me he hadnt seen me smile that much in a long time. it was true though. but i was just so happy to be with him and to share that. and the following weekends after that we had such good good times. making the absolute most of our time together..even if it was only one weekend day. its rough sometimes. but i know we can make it. we have this bond. this love. and dont think anything can break it. ive been wanting to write about it for some time now..just havin had the time to sit down and put my thoughts together. so thats it for now..