(no subject)
I realise it's been forever since I posted here, and I hate to add to the reputation that LJ is nothing more than an angsty rant site, but, alas, I can't seem to find the blog button on facebook.
I realised something last night after band practice ended. By ended, I mean trickled out into conversation and no productivity. I was left, after practice, feeling underwhellemed and frustrated with the seeming lack of passion and disinterest in the group. I was hurt when no one seemed to remember or care about Rising of the Moon, confused and annoyed when Amanda declared once and for all that she didn't like Courtin' in the Kitchen, and swallowed my anger when Breanna refused to attempt to sing while playing the Bodhran....and insisted that she did not have the time (ten days) to learn they lyrics to one new song that Amanda and I arranged for her. Scott had a great attitude, but needed constant reminders one what to do on most songs.
I stewed on this for a while, through the night and into the next morning, when I realised something on my drive to work: Being in a band has never made me happy. Like, ever.
I can rant about every band member I've ever attempted to make music with and point out faultes in commitment level and maturity, but that's just the point. EVERY band I've ever been in has always brought me more frustration and heart ache than joy.
Which begs the question, why do I do it? After 15 years of moving from band to band, each one existing with me hoping for some degree of success, all of them bringing with them a great deal of stress and disapointment, only to end anticlimaticlly, why do I keep trying thinking the next one will be different?
More importanlty, I should be asking, what am I doing wrong? I am the one constant in all these past ensembles. For that matter, twice now I've had bands break up only to have the additional members regroup without me. I've been the band mom, as well as just the fill in guy, and they all end the same. Am I pushing too hard? Am I not pushing hard enough? Am I unreasonable? Unreliable? Am I careless? Or am I behaving in some pernicious way that I'm completely unaware of?
I ask myself if I'm the kind of band member that I'd like to be in a band with and, honestly.....well, yes. I make it a point to encourage my band members to try new things, to believe that they are capable of things they never thought they could be, and to contribute creatively. I never say no to and idea, I never turn down a song, and I try to make everything we do rewarding. Hell, I even make sure we get paid! All of this is intentional by the way. I've been in bands where I was told not to sing. I've been in bands where the other members would lambast the lyrics and riffs I'd bring to the table. I've been told I suck, honestly. It hurt. A lot. That's why I don't do it to other people. I choose my words carefully. I encourage. I do my best to be as reasonable as possible while believing that anything is possible. Maybe other people don't feel the way I do.
Which brings me to my ultimate confusion: I don't understand why no one else seems to love the music they way I do. Every band I have ever contributied to musically (Lactose, Wearing Black, East Wind, Divided By Zero) I have found myself, at times, absolutly in love with our songs. I look foward not only to the next show, but the next practice just for a chance to hear those harmonies, that drum beat, that bass line, those lyrics, whatever. I get them stuck in my head for days at a time. I practice not just to improve my abilities, but just for a chance to hear the song again. But no one seems as interested in any of those things as me. Why is that? Why is it that the songs I remember most fondly, no one else seems to remember at all? Why does nobody else seem to feel the emence feeling of satisfaction from learing a new skill that I do everytime I nail a riff that I couldn't get a few days ago. I know is sounds lame but, well, where's the love?
I don't get it. I'm not being facious here, I honestly don't get it. And while I am upset with my band mates....I'm more concerned with this sudden realisation of bands never making me happy. Why not? What am I doing wrong? Should I just give up? Honestly, I DON'T KNOW. If you have thoughts, I'd like to hear them.
I realised something last night after band practice ended. By ended, I mean trickled out into conversation and no productivity. I was left, after practice, feeling underwhellemed and frustrated with the seeming lack of passion and disinterest in the group. I was hurt when no one seemed to remember or care about Rising of the Moon, confused and annoyed when Amanda declared once and for all that she didn't like Courtin' in the Kitchen, and swallowed my anger when Breanna refused to attempt to sing while playing the Bodhran....and insisted that she did not have the time (ten days) to learn they lyrics to one new song that Amanda and I arranged for her. Scott had a great attitude, but needed constant reminders one what to do on most songs.
I stewed on this for a while, through the night and into the next morning, when I realised something on my drive to work: Being in a band has never made me happy. Like, ever.
I can rant about every band member I've ever attempted to make music with and point out faultes in commitment level and maturity, but that's just the point. EVERY band I've ever been in has always brought me more frustration and heart ache than joy.
Which begs the question, why do I do it? After 15 years of moving from band to band, each one existing with me hoping for some degree of success, all of them bringing with them a great deal of stress and disapointment, only to end anticlimaticlly, why do I keep trying thinking the next one will be different?
More importanlty, I should be asking, what am I doing wrong? I am the one constant in all these past ensembles. For that matter, twice now I've had bands break up only to have the additional members regroup without me. I've been the band mom, as well as just the fill in guy, and they all end the same. Am I pushing too hard? Am I not pushing hard enough? Am I unreasonable? Unreliable? Am I careless? Or am I behaving in some pernicious way that I'm completely unaware of?
I ask myself if I'm the kind of band member that I'd like to be in a band with and, honestly.....well, yes. I make it a point to encourage my band members to try new things, to believe that they are capable of things they never thought they could be, and to contribute creatively. I never say no to and idea, I never turn down a song, and I try to make everything we do rewarding. Hell, I even make sure we get paid! All of this is intentional by the way. I've been in bands where I was told not to sing. I've been in bands where the other members would lambast the lyrics and riffs I'd bring to the table. I've been told I suck, honestly. It hurt. A lot. That's why I don't do it to other people. I choose my words carefully. I encourage. I do my best to be as reasonable as possible while believing that anything is possible. Maybe other people don't feel the way I do.
Which brings me to my ultimate confusion: I don't understand why no one else seems to love the music they way I do. Every band I have ever contributied to musically (Lactose, Wearing Black, East Wind, Divided By Zero) I have found myself, at times, absolutly in love with our songs. I look foward not only to the next show, but the next practice just for a chance to hear those harmonies, that drum beat, that bass line, those lyrics, whatever. I get them stuck in my head for days at a time. I practice not just to improve my abilities, but just for a chance to hear the song again. But no one seems as interested in any of those things as me. Why is that? Why is it that the songs I remember most fondly, no one else seems to remember at all? Why does nobody else seem to feel the emence feeling of satisfaction from learing a new skill that I do everytime I nail a riff that I couldn't get a few days ago. I know is sounds lame but, well, where's the love?
I don't get it. I'm not being facious here, I honestly don't get it. And while I am upset with my band mates....I'm more concerned with this sudden realisation of bands never making me happy. Why not? What am I doing wrong? Should I just give up? Honestly, I DON'T KNOW. If you have thoughts, I'd like to hear them.