bitch bitch bitch.
it's 3:33 pm. make a wish.
this is the first time i've written in 1 month, 12 days, 4 hours, and 11 minutes.
this is me right now. ready, go:
i miss everyone. i'm lonely but my problem is i'm antisocial. nothing new. i need a place to vent, but a place where people know i'm venting because i want to feel like i'm part of something. because i feel like i'm nothing when no one knows how i am or that i even exist anymore. which is now.
i am under stress. i have lots of things to be doing so that i can fulfill my dreams but lack the motivation and that makes me very sad. no one knows what to do when i'm sad. even me. and that makes me sadder. i always get into a cycle of sad.
i wish i had more time. i also feel like i do so much for people. i always am too nice about things and let people take things from me and "borrow" things from me and do things for them and give up doing what i want so that they can be happy. i get some happy mood and go out of my way to do something nice for them and no one ever does that for me. never. and the one time i'll say NO things will crash and burn. i really don't understand. this isn't just some people either, this is my acquaintances, my friends, my close friends... i seem fine but i'm really really not. the thing is, no one wants to know about your unhappiness. just how great you are feeling and "hey can i borrow 5 bucks i'll pay you back i promise." i've lost so much money to people who don't care to pay me back. i need this money i want to move out so much. and i'm so stupid and nonconfrontational that i don't even fucking have the nerve to remind them to pay me back. all these things... no one wants to hear them. not even the ones you think are really close to you and that you love so much. no one wants to know any of these things.
my mom took me into her room the other day. she cried at me and yelled at me and told me she just didn't care about me anymore. i've said but 3 words to her since. it was last tuesday. hopefully i'll be able to move out in 2 weeks. i want to move out so much it hurts.
it's so hard having to keep my emotions hidden and secret because if i show them, people get mad at me and i just make them feel bad. i can't do anything to make people happy unless i let them walk all over me or make small talk with them. i guess that's why i've been antisocial.
i don't understand. my life isn't bad. it's probably pretty normal excluding my obsessive tendencies and ADD behavior, or at least it adds up to normal if you consider everything. i don't understand why i'm so sad all the time. i don't understand why i try anti-depressant after anti-depressant after anti-depressant. i've tried 6 now. someone talked to me the other day about how their anti-depressant wasn't working for them and how horrible they were feeling. and i had been feeling those exact things for the past 6 years. 6 years is a long time. i thought it was relatively normal. i thought i was supposed to be sad more often than happy.
my mom has actually said more than 3 words to me. but not much. today she yelled at me and got really mad because i left a blanket outside. it ruined my day. i don't think things like that are supposed to ruin my day. but she did have the last word.
this is the first time i've written in 1 month, 12 days, 4 hours, and 11 minutes.
this is me right now. ready, go:
i miss everyone. i'm lonely but my problem is i'm antisocial. nothing new. i need a place to vent, but a place where people know i'm venting because i want to feel like i'm part of something. because i feel like i'm nothing when no one knows how i am or that i even exist anymore. which is now.
i am under stress. i have lots of things to be doing so that i can fulfill my dreams but lack the motivation and that makes me very sad. no one knows what to do when i'm sad. even me. and that makes me sadder. i always get into a cycle of sad.
i wish i had more time. i also feel like i do so much for people. i always am too nice about things and let people take things from me and "borrow" things from me and do things for them and give up doing what i want so that they can be happy. i get some happy mood and go out of my way to do something nice for them and no one ever does that for me. never. and the one time i'll say NO things will crash and burn. i really don't understand. this isn't just some people either, this is my acquaintances, my friends, my close friends... i seem fine but i'm really really not. the thing is, no one wants to know about your unhappiness. just how great you are feeling and "hey can i borrow 5 bucks i'll pay you back i promise." i've lost so much money to people who don't care to pay me back. i need this money i want to move out so much. and i'm so stupid and nonconfrontational that i don't even fucking have the nerve to remind them to pay me back. all these things... no one wants to hear them. not even the ones you think are really close to you and that you love so much. no one wants to know any of these things.
my mom took me into her room the other day. she cried at me and yelled at me and told me she just didn't care about me anymore. i've said but 3 words to her since. it was last tuesday. hopefully i'll be able to move out in 2 weeks. i want to move out so much it hurts.
it's so hard having to keep my emotions hidden and secret because if i show them, people get mad at me and i just make them feel bad. i can't do anything to make people happy unless i let them walk all over me or make small talk with them. i guess that's why i've been antisocial.
i don't understand. my life isn't bad. it's probably pretty normal excluding my obsessive tendencies and ADD behavior, or at least it adds up to normal if you consider everything. i don't understand why i'm so sad all the time. i don't understand why i try anti-depressant after anti-depressant after anti-depressant. i've tried 6 now. someone talked to me the other day about how their anti-depressant wasn't working for them and how horrible they were feeling. and i had been feeling those exact things for the past 6 years. 6 years is a long time. i thought it was relatively normal. i thought i was supposed to be sad more often than happy.
my mom has actually said more than 3 words to me. but not much. today she yelled at me and got really mad because i left a blanket outside. it ruined my day. i don't think things like that are supposed to ruin my day. but she did have the last word.