who am I?
Have you ever done something you know you shouldnt do? Read something you shouldnt read? Looked at somthing you KNOW you should just turn away from and let all the emotions attatched with thatparticular object, be it touchable or not. But you just didn't? I just found something like that. Something I KNEW I should have walked away from, but I didn't. I looked into it anyways, and when I saw what I saw, I started to cry. I thought my chest was going to explode cuz it hurt so bad. I know I need to let it go. But something just keeps pulling me back like a tractor beam. Why cant I let it go? Ive tried so hard to, and just when I think I've let it go, I seem to stumble across it again. Why does it keep being thrown in front of me like this? Im losing grip, I tell you this. Does anybody even read this? Do I even care if they do? Am I crying out for help? Or am I just crying like a little girl. Whatever it is, this whole thing is just tearing me apart. I cant let go, and sometimes, I'm happy I cant let go, theres a part of me that wants this to stay with me forever. I honestly dont even know who I am anymore. I love it, and hate it at the same time. I admire it, and despise it, I loathe it, yet cherish it, I want to let it go, yet want to keep it forever. I want it to go away, yet I want it to stay. I want it to disappear, yet never want to lose sight of it. Man I hate it when this happens because I never ever know what to do. And you always know that youre damned no matter what you do. God I hate losing so much sleep over this. But there is a part of me that wouldnt have it any other way. Uch, I wish I had just turned away. But, I'm also happy I looked into it, cuz it satisfied a certain hunger, a certain itch inside me. I dont know what the hell to think, say or do anymore. I just either want this to completely overcome me, or completely disappear. Its like being teased with food, and a gun while youre about to die of starvation. Either give me the food so I can live, or give me the gun so I can just get it all over with. Either way that pain is gonna go away. But which outcome will you be happier with? I really dont know anymore. . .