theatrical_muse 209 - Afraid
What are you afraid of?
Throwing all caution to the wind, and completely making myself vulnerable with my answer .. well, I'm most afraid of myself.
Stupid, right? Let me explain.
Who knows you better than yourself? Sure, there's the cliché that a significant other knows you better and in more ways than you could ever know yourself, but .. there are things that other people will never know. There are things that are solely for your knowledge and your knowledge alone. And it's those types of things that I'm afraid of.
I'm the only person who knows my first thought waking up in the morning, whether it be with the sun or before the sun. I'm the only person who knows my last thought before going to bed at night. I'm the only person who knows my deepest desires, my deepest anxieties, my deepest everythings. And having that sort of power freaks me out, to be honest.
I'm the only person who's in complete control of where my life will lead me. I'm the only person who can make the conscious decision of, "Yes, I want to do that," or "No, I don't want to do this," and that sort of thing. Something I do today can affect my years down the road.
Take typical rock stars, for instance. They get caught up in drugs and the booze and the sex. And while all of that can be fun (and insane if done at the same time), how is that going to affect them later on in life? Is someone going to have cirrhosis later on in life because he or she hit the bottle one too many times? Is someone going to die of a heart attack because of the years of drug use? I distance myself from behaviors like that because I don't want those sort of repercussions. I don't want to worry about liver diseases or heart diseases, unless I absolutely have to.
I guess, in a way, I'm more afraid of the things I can't control about myself. I'm afraid of the fact that I control my destiny. There's no doubt about that. But what I'm so much more concerned about is the stuff that will or will not happen, no matter what I do.
Like whoever I'm meant to marry. If I'm meant to marry. If, for instance, Kelly and I were meant to get married, and no matter what I did, I still ended up with her, I'd get pretty God damned freaked out. But I guess not knowing what's meant to be is part of what keeps things exciting. Part of what keeps me sane. Not knowing whether Kelly and I will end up together, maybe some time in the future, is what keeps me going day-to-day. I want to find out how this book ends, but I can't skip ahead and read the last pages. I have to write all of the events beforehand first.
So, what's the point of this rant? Well, to be honest, now I'm not sure. Initially, I was afraid of myself. And that's still true, just .. after writing all of this, I realize that I'm a lot more afraid of the things I don't know about myself. I guess it's just a constant state of fear that no one can escape. At least, not on their own. The journey's half the fun, right? So, I'll keep travelling down this path, hoping that, in the end, the fear will have been worth it.
Muse l Adam Levine
Fandom l Real Person Fiction
Word Count l 582
Throwing all caution to the wind, and completely making myself vulnerable with my answer .. well, I'm most afraid of myself.
Stupid, right? Let me explain.
Who knows you better than yourself? Sure, there's the cliché that a significant other knows you better and in more ways than you could ever know yourself, but .. there are things that other people will never know. There are things that are solely for your knowledge and your knowledge alone. And it's those types of things that I'm afraid of.
I'm the only person who knows my first thought waking up in the morning, whether it be with the sun or before the sun. I'm the only person who knows my last thought before going to bed at night. I'm the only person who knows my deepest desires, my deepest anxieties, my deepest everythings. And having that sort of power freaks me out, to be honest.
I'm the only person who's in complete control of where my life will lead me. I'm the only person who can make the conscious decision of, "Yes, I want to do that," or "No, I don't want to do this," and that sort of thing. Something I do today can affect my years down the road.
Take typical rock stars, for instance. They get caught up in drugs and the booze and the sex. And while all of that can be fun (and insane if done at the same time), how is that going to affect them later on in life? Is someone going to have cirrhosis later on in life because he or she hit the bottle one too many times? Is someone going to die of a heart attack because of the years of drug use? I distance myself from behaviors like that because I don't want those sort of repercussions. I don't want to worry about liver diseases or heart diseases, unless I absolutely have to.
I guess, in a way, I'm more afraid of the things I can't control about myself. I'm afraid of the fact that I control my destiny. There's no doubt about that. But what I'm so much more concerned about is the stuff that will or will not happen, no matter what I do.
Like whoever I'm meant to marry. If I'm meant to marry. If, for instance, Kelly and I were meant to get married, and no matter what I did, I still ended up with her, I'd get pretty God damned freaked out. But I guess not knowing what's meant to be is part of what keeps things exciting. Part of what keeps me sane. Not knowing whether Kelly and I will end up together, maybe some time in the future, is what keeps me going day-to-day. I want to find out how this book ends, but I can't skip ahead and read the last pages. I have to write all of the events beforehand first.
So, what's the point of this rant? Well, to be honest, now I'm not sure. Initially, I was afraid of myself. And that's still true, just .. after writing all of this, I realize that I'm a lot more afraid of the things I don't know about myself. I guess it's just a constant state of fear that no one can escape. At least, not on their own. The journey's half the fun, right? So, I'll keep travelling down this path, hoping that, in the end, the fear will have been worth it.
Muse l Adam Levine
Fandom l Real Person Fiction
Word Count l 582