To stay or to go?
8 times... 8 times in 6 years is how often i have moved since beginning my tour of the country at the age of 20. 0 is the number of places I could call home. Why? acceptance. Rejection all too often. Weakness... lack of any kind of bonds. I don't know what is with me, but it feels like i am way too worried about people rejecting me so any time i feel like someone doesn't want me around or a group of "friends" i end up leaving again. Tucson was a trainwreck and I experienced true loneliness. Where I had no one to help me, it was an incredibly empty feeling and sadly it hasnt left. Martin... hmm. I think he did the most damage of anyone in terms of rejecting me... so let me tell the story.
I met Martin the day after I came home from my virginia trip in october '10... where my family said i wasn't welcome at home. Ouch.. that leaves a mark. So i decided to go out that night. I met martin and woke up at his place after having a great after party. We begun to hang out and his exact words were "I like you because you let me be myself" and I liked him because he dealt with my intracacies and oddities. Little did I know he was alluding to the fact there was his ex... that made him be someone else. Fast forward to January 2011 he asked me out... I thought "Great... finally someone actually wants me and I want them back!" A few days later... he changed his number and moved out of his place and deleted his facebook... What?! Well, turns out his ex-well.. now his boyfriend made him do it... I gave up and moved on... fast forward to july of 2011.. i get a facebook message from him, saying he needed to talk to me. I never say no to someone when they need help, so I did... turns out he caught his boyfriend cheating on him and wanted to go back on the right track and move away. We begun to hang out again. This time, I foolishly got excited.. I tend to get excited and then let down. A lot. We hung out and did dinner and dates and it was actually an amazing feeling... Cause I can open up to him, he knew everything about me, including my biggest secret. He then wanted me to meet his family and his closest friends. back home... in mexico. I took him up on his offer and went. It was yet again another amazing weekend. We had so much fun. And again, my fondness for him grew. Then a storm hit. I got my sentencing for my DUI... 30 days in jail. I needed anyone I could find to be around me. He was the only one I knew who could get me through this without me falling apart. Yes I made a mistake but I needed someone to help me. My family again stated they didn't want to talk to me. though my mom would still call to make sure i was alive but our conversations were forced, my roommate had a girlfriend she focused solely on and i was always the third wheel.My sister and I thought are very close... but she moved to Belgium in the summer and I barely got to talk to her. So here I am, weighing my hopes on him to help me keep it together when i have to go away for 30 days. That week, i decided to keep that info to myself, this was the week before labor day, so we could have a great weekend that i planned for him. He originally had tickets to go to boston to meet his ex's family that weekend and he was a little torn up about it, so I wanted to make that weekend all about him and focused on not having issues and be happy with the one guy he said makes him happiest. That wednesday he took me out to dinner and it turned into a 3 hour meal where he cried about how much he liked having me when he needed me the most. He needed me to get through this point in his life. He sent me a song on my way home, "then there was you" by jesse y joy... listen to it. He said i was there when he needed me. That friday he was supposed to fly out, (note: every day in the morning we would hit the gym before we went to work) I woke up that friday and texted him, "hey! good morning see you at the gym!" I went to the gym like I would and when I got there, he wasn't there. No text back either. I decided to head home as I could still hit the gym before work. I waited till around 9, and then i got a text. "Going to boston. Don't text back. Sorry. I know you hate me." Instant... tears. He left again. Just like that. Now... I was alone. With a weekend alone. Vanessa was with her girlfriend. My friends were with their friends(note: Due to my DUI i was in a random drawing to be tested for alcohol, so i could not drink, thus my "friends" didn't want me around) . My family didn't want me. I was alone. An hour later, I got a phone call from a manager at my job's district in phoenix. Offering me a job, relocate to phoenix. YES. I took it without hesitation. I went to work that night... and ended up being sent home when my boss found out what happened. He cared about me as a person and didn't want me to lose it at work. I went home, and was completely numb and empty. It was a painful feeling. That sunday night. I had planned to take him to my "spot" a place where I lose myself to the ocean of stars and contemplate life and just generally get away. I ended up going alone. I did not shed a tear... i instead i just stayed numb. Later that week, I surrendered myself to custody of the jail system and said bye to my normal life. Martin is now out of the picture. I have no one... I am truly alone. The next thirty days go by and I barely get any calls from my "friends" and I move... without saying goodbye to anyone. Thus closing my chapter in tucson on a bad note.
I still go back to this one month period, where I had what I say the worst rejection ever. I did not know how to feel other than numb, cold and empty. This furthered my descent into hating life.
I met Martin the day after I came home from my virginia trip in october '10... where my family said i wasn't welcome at home. Ouch.. that leaves a mark. So i decided to go out that night. I met martin and woke up at his place after having a great after party. We begun to hang out and his exact words were "I like you because you let me be myself" and I liked him because he dealt with my intracacies and oddities. Little did I know he was alluding to the fact there was his ex... that made him be someone else. Fast forward to January 2011 he asked me out... I thought "Great... finally someone actually wants me and I want them back!" A few days later... he changed his number and moved out of his place and deleted his facebook... What?! Well, turns out his ex-well.. now his boyfriend made him do it... I gave up and moved on... fast forward to july of 2011.. i get a facebook message from him, saying he needed to talk to me. I never say no to someone when they need help, so I did... turns out he caught his boyfriend cheating on him and wanted to go back on the right track and move away. We begun to hang out again. This time, I foolishly got excited.. I tend to get excited and then let down. A lot. We hung out and did dinner and dates and it was actually an amazing feeling... Cause I can open up to him, he knew everything about me, including my biggest secret. He then wanted me to meet his family and his closest friends. back home... in mexico. I took him up on his offer and went. It was yet again another amazing weekend. We had so much fun. And again, my fondness for him grew. Then a storm hit. I got my sentencing for my DUI... 30 days in jail. I needed anyone I could find to be around me. He was the only one I knew who could get me through this without me falling apart. Yes I made a mistake but I needed someone to help me. My family again stated they didn't want to talk to me. though my mom would still call to make sure i was alive but our conversations were forced, my roommate had a girlfriend she focused solely on and i was always the third wheel.My sister and I thought are very close... but she moved to Belgium in the summer and I barely got to talk to her. So here I am, weighing my hopes on him to help me keep it together when i have to go away for 30 days. That week, i decided to keep that info to myself, this was the week before labor day, so we could have a great weekend that i planned for him. He originally had tickets to go to boston to meet his ex's family that weekend and he was a little torn up about it, so I wanted to make that weekend all about him and focused on not having issues and be happy with the one guy he said makes him happiest. That wednesday he took me out to dinner and it turned into a 3 hour meal where he cried about how much he liked having me when he needed me the most. He needed me to get through this point in his life. He sent me a song on my way home, "then there was you" by jesse y joy... listen to it. He said i was there when he needed me. That friday he was supposed to fly out, (note: every day in the morning we would hit the gym before we went to work) I woke up that friday and texted him, "hey! good morning see you at the gym!" I went to the gym like I would and when I got there, he wasn't there. No text back either. I decided to head home as I could still hit the gym before work. I waited till around 9, and then i got a text. "Going to boston. Don't text back. Sorry. I know you hate me." Instant... tears. He left again. Just like that. Now... I was alone. With a weekend alone. Vanessa was with her girlfriend. My friends were with their friends(note: Due to my DUI i was in a random drawing to be tested for alcohol, so i could not drink, thus my "friends" didn't want me around) . My family didn't want me. I was alone. An hour later, I got a phone call from a manager at my job's district in phoenix. Offering me a job, relocate to phoenix. YES. I took it without hesitation. I went to work that night... and ended up being sent home when my boss found out what happened. He cared about me as a person and didn't want me to lose it at work. I went home, and was completely numb and empty. It was a painful feeling. That sunday night. I had planned to take him to my "spot" a place where I lose myself to the ocean of stars and contemplate life and just generally get away. I ended up going alone. I did not shed a tear... i instead i just stayed numb. Later that week, I surrendered myself to custody of the jail system and said bye to my normal life. Martin is now out of the picture. I have no one... I am truly alone. The next thirty days go by and I barely get any calls from my "friends" and I move... without saying goodbye to anyone. Thus closing my chapter in tucson on a bad note.
I still go back to this one month period, where I had what I say the worst rejection ever. I did not know how to feel other than numb, cold and empty. This furthered my descent into hating life.